A man with Polygamy upon his mind was then a creature which I did not understand, and which I had not fully studied. Some years later, when I had a little more experience in Mormonism, I discovered several never-failing signs by which one might know when a man wished to take another wife. He would suddenly “awaken to a sense of his duties;” he would have serious misgivings as to whether the Lord would pardon his neglect in not living up to his privileges; he would become very religious, and would attend to his meetings—his “testimony meetings,” singing meetings, and all sorts of other “meetings,” which seemed just then to be very numerous, and in various other ways he would show his anxiety to live up to his religion. He would thus be frequently absent from home, which, of course, “he deeply regrets,” as “he loves so dearly the society of his wife and children.” The wife, perhaps, poor simple soul! thinks that he is becoming unusually loving and affectionate, for he used not, at one time, to express much sorrow at leaving her alone for a few hours; and she thinks how happy she ought to feel that such a change has come over her husband, although, to be sure, he was always as good as most of the other Mormon men.
My husband was a good and consistent Mormon, and very much like the rest of his brethren in these matters; and the brethren, knowing themselves how he felt, sympathized with him, and urged him on, and, by every means in their power, aided him in his noble attempts to carry out “the commands of God!”
One evening, when he came home, he seemed pre-occupied, as if some matter of importance were troubling his mind. This set me thinking, too. I saw that he wanted to say something to me, and I waited patiently. “I am going to the ball,” he presently remarked, “and I am going alone, for Brother Brigham wishes me to meet him there.” I knew at once what was passing in his mind, and dared not question him. He went and saw Brigham. What passed between them I do not know; but, when my husband returned, he intimated to me that it had been arranged that he should take another wife.
The idea that some day another wife would be added to our household was ever present in my mind, but, somehow, when the fact was placed before me in so many unmistakable words, my heart sank within me, and I shrank from the realization that our home was at last to be desecrated by the foul presence of Polygamy.
Almost fainting, now that the truth came home to me in all its startling reality, I asked my husband when he proposed to take his second wife.
“Immediately,” he replied; “that is to say, as soon as I can.”
We were silent for some time. My mind was troubled. Had I been able to consider the whole affair as an outrage upon humanity in general, and an insult to my sex in particular, I should have replied with scorn and defiance. Had I implicitly believed in the divinity of the Revelation, I should have bowed my head in meek submission. But I did neither of these. The feelings of my heart naturally led me to hate with a most perfect hatred the very mention of the word Polygamy, while at the same time I still believed, or tried to make myself believe, that the Revelation was from God, and must therefore be obeyed. Such was the strange and contradictory position in which I was placed.
“Are you not satisfied that it is right for me to take another wife?” my husband asked.
“I have never yet really doubted that the Revelation was from God,” I replied, “for I cannot believe that any man would be so blasphemous and wicked as to set forth such a revelation in God’s name, unless he received it as he said he did. If it is from God, of course you are right to obey it; but if I were to consult my own feelings I would never consent to live in Polygamy. I would rather risk salvation, and tell the Lord that He had placed upon me a burden heavier that I was able to bear, and that I regarded Him as a hard taskmaster. But when the salvation of my husband and children, to say nothing of my own, is at stake, my wishes and happiness go for nothing, and I can only consent.”
From that moment I felt like a condemned criminal for whom there was not a shadow of hope or a chance of escape. Could I possibly have looked upon the sacred obligations of marriage as lightly as Mormonism taught me to regard them, I believe I should have broken every tie and risked the consequences. But I had vowed to be faithful unto death, and if this second marriage was for my husband’s welfare, and for the salvation of us and of our children, I resolved to make the effort to subdue my rebellious heart, or die in the attempt. For the first time in my life, I thanked God that I was not a man, and that the salvation of my family did not depend upon me; for if fifty revelations had commanded it, I could not have taken the responsibility of withering one loving, trusting heart. I felt that if such laws were given to us, our woman’s nature ought to have been adapted to them, so that submission to them might be as much a pleasure to us as it was to the men, and that we might at least feel that we were justly dealt with.