Never, after she has sung, and with obvious effort, playfully suggest that she has a bellows to mend. To gaze into her eyes lingeringly, and whisper that you did not mean to knock her endwise, would be more considerate and soothing.
Never say, smeller, horn, bugle, or snoot for nose. Never say peepers for eyes, potato-trap for mouth, nor bread-basket for stomach, at least not in the very highest circles. Olfactor, optics and paunch are a choice disguise for the Queen’s English, if that is the end in view.
Never say that a man was “howling mad” or “jumping crazy,” meaning that he was very angry, when you have such tempting morsels as “hopping mad,” “frothing at the mouth,” “mad as a hatter,” and “crazy as a bedbug” at your disposal.
Never say, “Well, I should smile,” meaning that you assent to something said or proposed, when honest old “You can bet your boots I will” is coyly nestling near at hand, craving a caress.
Never ask, “How in —— am I going to do it?” when silvery “Do it youself, and be blowed!” may lend a mingled suavity and conciseness to the situation.
Never say, “busted in the snoot” for “thumped in the proboscis.” This is wholly inexcusable.
Never say “I seed” for “I saw,” “I heerd” for “I heard,” or “I thunk” for “I thought.” Notwithstanding that these gross mistakes may be in vogue among highly-educated men, newspaper editors and professional linguists, erect a standard of your own rather than follow in their unworthy lead.
Never say, “Him an’ me is goin’ to the circus,” when “He and I are going to the circus” is meant. This scarcely perceptible inaccuracy brings many a conscientious student to grief.
Never say, “They is well, but I are not.” Painstaking discernment will enable you to make the correction.
Never say “Between you and I and the pump-handle,” meaning “Between you and me.”