Never ask if the railroad has come in, but if the train has come in. The track can no more come and go than can the station itself.
Never pile on the adjectives. A painting may be meritorious without being “stunning;” a handsome wall-paper is not necessarily “excruciating;” and you should hardly call a choice dish of ham and eggs “divine.” Let not your enthusiasm overleap itself.
Never say naw, nixy, not by a blamed sight, nor nary a time, for pure and simple no. Let the negative be swift, clear and decisive, even in declining a drink.
Never say yis, yaw nor ya-as, for yes, unless you swear by the shamrock, the Bologna sausage, or the roast beef of old England.
Never say that you believe you’ll take root or come to anchor, when you intend sitting down, nor say “squatty-vous” to a friend in requesting him to take a seat.
Never, if you must use slang, fail to make a judicious choice of it. Who was it said, “Let me but make the slang of a people, and he who will make their laws?” But no matter; since there is plenty of it ready-made. Never attempt to add thereto, but be content to separate the wheat from the chaff, the fine gold from the dross.
Never speak of a bar-room as “a h’istery,” “a whisky ranch,” “a rum-hole,” or “a jig-water dispensary.” Plain old Anglo-Saxon “gin-mill” must hold its own against the innovations of storming time.
Never, in speaking confidentially to a young lady of her father’s tippling habits, refer to him as “an old soaker,” “a rum-head,” “a guzzler,” “a perambulating beer-keg,” or “a happy-go-lucky old swill-tub.” Far better to slur matters gently by recommending an inebriate asylum, or suggesting that the old gentleman be locked up with a whisky-barrel, with a fair chance of his drinking himself to death.
Never, at social gatherings, speak of elderly ladies as “old hens,” nor of the children of the house as “kids.” But a careful study of the very best society will soon make these pitfalls apparent to you.
Never, in entreating a young lady to sing, ask her if she can’t chirp or twitter a bit.