Ah, poor my heart what pain thou bearest!"[74]
"At the present day marriage is probably more universal in China than in any other civilized country in the world. It is regarded as something indispensable, and few men pass the age of twenty without taking a wife. Chinese legislators have at all times encouraged early marriages as having a pacifying effect upon the people. A man who has given hostages to fortune in the shape of wife and children has a greater inducement to follow the paths of steady industry, and is less likely to throw in his lot with brigands and rebels, than a man who has but himself to think of, and is without any immediate ties. Besides this the Chinese believe, in common with the ancient Greeks, that the shades of the unburied wander restlessly about without gaining admittance into Hades; so that non-burial came to be considered by them the most deplorable calamity that could befall one, and the discharge of the last service a most holy duty. To die, therefore, without leaving behind a son to perform the burial rites, and to offer up the fixed periodical sacrifices at the tomb, is one of the most direful fates that can overtake a Chinaman, and he seeks to avoid it by an early marriage."[75]
The two young people to a betrothal in China had very little to do with it. This was arranged by means of a go-between, or match-maker. The negotiations generally originated with the family of the boy or young man. A card was made out containing data of the candidate, such as the ancestral name, the hour, day, month, and year of birth of the young candidate. At some time in the proceedings both parties had to make known to each other if there were any bodily or constitutional defect, what the true age of each was, whether born of a wife or a concubine, and whether real offspring or only adopted. Provided with the card, the go-between went to the other family and stated the object of the visit. The parents or guardians of the girl would then make inquiries about the other family, they would consult a fortune-teller to ascertain if it would be fitting and auspicious for the two young people to wed. If the offer was acceptable, then the go-between was furnished with a similar card about the girl to take to the other family. If within three days of the engagement an unlucky thing occurred, as the breaking of a china bowl or the losing of some article in the house, circumstances were considered to be sufficiently unlucky to warrant the instant termination of the negotiations. The betrothal was not binding till certain cards were interchanged between the families. The outside of the cards was covered with red paper, on which was pasted a paper dragon for the one and on the other a paper phœnix. Each card was adorned with two pieces of red silk. The card with the dragon was filled out with particulars relating to the family of the boy and retained by the girl's family, while the one with the phœnix had particulars of the girl's family and it was kept by the family of the boy. At the time of the exchange of cards presents were sent. For the girl was sent a pair of silver or gold wristlets and for her family articles of food, as pigs' feet, fruits, fowls, etc. For the boys' family were sent artificial flowers, bread, cakes, etc.
As usually in a family there was strict separation between the males and females, there was but little opportunity for the bride and groom to meet one another and often they would not have seen one another till the day of the wedding. The difficulty was increased after betrothal, for it was considered quite improper for the girl to be actually seen by the family of the future mother-in-law. The girl had to maintain the strictest seclusion. She must retire to the inner apartments when friends called upon her parents, and when going out she was to use a closed sedan chair. For this reason, most engagements were arranged between parties not living in the same place.
The time which might transpire between betrothal and marriage varied from a month or two to eighteen or twenty years, depending much on the age of the parties. "There are six ceremonies which constitute a regular marriage. 1. The father and elder brother of the young man send a go-between to the father and brother of the girl, to enquire her name and the moment of her birth, that the horoscope of the two may be examined, in order to ascertain whether the proposed alliance will be a happy one. 2. If so, the boy's friends send the go-between back to make an offer of marriage. 3. If that be accepted, the second party is again requested to put their assent in writing. 4. Presents are then sent to the girl's parents according to the means of the parties. 5. The go-between requests them to choose a lucky day for the wedding; and, 6, the preliminaries are concluded by the bridegroom going or sending a party of his friends with music to bring his bride to his own house."[76]
In the spring was considered the most appropriate time for marriage, and the month in which the peach-tree blossomed as the happiest time. The following poem translated from the "Book of Odes," illustrates this:
"Sweet child of spring, the garden's queen,
Yon peach-tree charms the roving sight;
Its fragrant leaves how richly green,
Its blossoms how divinely bright!