London Landlady (to shivering lodger).—No, sir, I don't object to your dining at a restorong, nor to taking an 'apenny paper, but I must resent your constant 'abit of locking up your whiskey, thereby himplying that me, a clergyman's daughter, is prone to larceny.
"Pat," said his young wife, "I wish you wouldn't put your knife in your mouth when you eat." "An' phwere would yez hev me put it," said Pat, in astonishment, "in me eyes?"
First Lady—"What birthday presents are you going to give to your husband?"
Second Lady—"A hundred cigars."
First Lady—"And what did you pay for them?"
Second Lady—"Oh, nothing! For the last few months I have taken one or two out of his box every day. He hasn't noticed it, and will be pleased with my little present and the fine quality of the cigars."