Division of Time.—"Tempus fugit," and therefore the due systematic and proper division of time, in a rational manner, is the bounden duty of every "beardling." All philosophers and some kings, whether from Democritus to Tim Bobbin, or from Alfred the Great to that merry old soul, "Old King Cole," have divided their time equitably, according to the maxim of Horace, "Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero." Modern life teaches and exhibits the same necessity for the rigid division of the "stuff life is made of," and the twenty-four hours may be systematically divided, with great advantage, by young men, as follows:—
| HOURS. | |||
| 1. | To yawning, vertigo, head-ache and soda-water, say from one to three, A.M. | 2 | |
| 2. | From pulling off the night-cap to putting the first leg out of bed | 1 | |
| 3. | To "cat-lap," "broiled chickens," Lackadaisical Magazine, "Dry Punch," and Gazette of Fashion | 2 | ½ |
| 4. | To the study of "cash stalking," the art of post-obits, with lessons from Professor Mœshes on the science of "Bondology." (Nocturnâ versate manu, versate diurnâ) | 1 | |
| 5. | To lounging, "dawdling," "muddling," sauntering, losing oneself in "ins and outs," "nowheres," &c. | 1 | ½ |
| 6. | To dressing for dinner, to getting on a pair of boots, half an hour, swearing at coat quarter of an hour, selecting vests half an hour, cursing pantaloons quarter of an hour, shaving, and other unnecessaries | 2 | ½ |
| 7. | To dining, wineing, brighting the eye, doubling the cape, getting half seas over, going into port instead of finding a champaign country | 2 | |
| 8. | To dressing for opera, "titivating," "bear's greasing," curling, barbarizing, scenting, putting on opera countenance, and ogling | 1 | ½ |
| 9. | To tying on stock half an hour, to putting on gloves quarter of an hour, to curling whiskers half an hour, to laying on the rouge, &c. | 1 | ½ |
| 10. | To bowing, scraping, hemming, hawing, yawning, toying, soft-sawdering, salooning, staggering, cigaring, coaching, and finishing | 3 | ½ |
| 11. | To no one knows what—Nisi castè saltem cautè | 5 | |
| 24 | |||
LONG DIVISION.
Long Division is so called when a long time is taken for the division of various sums, as in the case of the Deccan prize-money, or the Duke of York's debts. In these cases, various persons are placed in the state of longing—hence the name of the rule, which is a figurative exemplification of "hope deferred."
Rule I—Teaches to work an expected legacy or an estate in reversion, or a right of entail, with a "post-obit bond," cent. per cent. on a stiff stamen.
Rule II—Teaches how to wait for a living instead of working for one. This is a hungry expectancy: yourself, in a consumption, with an interesting cough, preaching as curate to an admiring congregation principally composed of females, who bring jellies and jams, pitch-plasters, electuaries, and pills, "bosom friends," and other comforters, while the jolly incumbent, with his rosy gills and round paunch, writes you once a quarter to dine with him, to see how well he holds it.
Rule III. Chancery Long Division.—This is an exemplification of the "law's delay," and the rule is to be worked by giving the expectants the "benefit of a doubt," which is not quite so pleasant in Chancery as in criminal practice. The "Bidder" of this rule was John Lord Eldon.