Of Flat Surfaces.—A plane or flat surface has length and breadth without thickness. Flat surfaces are often made, by some peculiar property of polarized light, to reflect rays which do not belong to them. Thus, flats pass for solids, and "shallows" for "deep-uns."
RULE XVII.
BOOK-KEEPING AND ACCOUNTS.
Book-keeping is not to be understood only as the art of "Book-borrowing," a very good science in its way, but as the highest branch of the science of legerdemain, invented for the express purpose of enabling the speculative to conceal their accounts, just as the use of speech is given to man to enable him to conceal his thoughts.
We have excellent directions given us on this head from very high authority, which is to be understood according to the Benthamite Philosophy. "How much owest thou my lord? And he said, A hundred measures of oil. Take thy bill, and sit down quickly, and write fifty." Hence the children of the philosophers are wiser than the children of light.
In "keeping books" it is not only indispensable that you should keep them, but that they also should "keep you." This is in accordance with the free-trade reciprocity system; and to enable them to do it requires but little tact. For instance, you open a shop—not for the purpose of doing business, but for doing some unfortunate flat, in the very spirit of a "Good-will;" so that when your business is done, your client may find his business done too, and when you have taken yourself off, he may find himself taken in. This example may be repeated any number of times.
Upon entering life, every young man must consider that it will be quite impossible to live without some "cash in hand;"—that he will, at times, be inevitably called upon to "fork out," "dub up," or "come down;"—and that in all transactions, such as swelling and dashing, cutting and flashing, it will be necessary to keep a sharp look-out upon the "blunt," tin, or pewter, as it is variously termed; if not for your own satisfaction, at least for your beloved father's, whom you are in duty bound to bamboozle. There are certain items which never need come into this account; namely, board, lodging, tailor's bills, boots, shoes, linen, horses, and such like necessaries; these belong religiously to the old boy, or are fit and proper matters for "whitewashing."
To fulfil this purpose, open a cash account, putting Dr. in the left hand corner, which signifies Dear Father, in honour of your respected parent, or in testimony that everything is dear; and Cr. on the right hand, which may signify "cruel little I have to spend." This is called the Waste Book. The items introduced are merely hints for the getting and disbursement of Cash.
WASTE-BOOK.
| Simon Sapscull Clutchings, in Account with his Father, from May 1 To May 3. | |||||||
| Dr. | Cr. | ||||||
| £ | s. | d. | £ | s. | d. | ||
| May 1. | May 1. | ||||||
| Out of the old chap, by wheedling and bullying | 50 | 0 | 0 | Paid at Shooting Gallery, and at the Fives' Court | 4 | 16 | 0 |
| Out of the schoolmaster, after being in Whitecross-street two hours | 0 | 3 | 8 | For cigars, riding whip, Sporting Calendar, and Life in London | 2 | 10 | 0 |
| Out of mother, by way of bonus on "good nature." | 10 | 0 | 0 | For salve for the dog's tail, (burnt some time since) | 1 | 10 | 0 |
| Out of father, for charitable purposes | 20 | 0 | 0 | Spent at Divan, Coal Hole, and at various places on stroll | 3 | 0 | 0 |
| Out of sister, to lend a friend in distress | 20 | 0 | 0 | For Covent Garden Oyster Rooms, cigars, brandy, champagne, and various other matters indistinctly remembered | 20 | 0 | 0 |
| Out of mother, another 20l.—having lost the first when carried home drowned, (good idea this,) Mem. to be repeated. | 20 | 0 | 0 | Relief to a poor young widow, soda water, and restorative cordial to the dog | 5 | 0 | 0 |
| Paid Duncombe for books, according to father's direction; Flash Lexicon, ditto Songster, ditto Anecdotes, ditto Morality, ditto Divinity | 4 | 0 | 0 | ||||
| May 2. | May 2. | ||||||
| Out of father, for divinity books, (sorry didn't get more, as the old chap is so pleased to think I am "preserved") | 40 | 0 | 0 | Paid at Westminster pit, and loss on dog Billy | 10 | 0 | 0 |
| Cigars and coachman, for a turn with the ribbands | 3 | 0 | 0 | ||||
| Turn out in post, breaking horses' knees, paid horsekeeper | 15 | 0 | 0 | ||||
| Cigars, sandwich, heavy wet, negus, brandy, brandy-and-water, Welsh-rabbit, port, sherry, waiters | 5 | 0 | 0 | ||||
| At the Lowther—gloves, pumps, supper, bursting waiter's tights, breaking glasses, negus, wine, supper, brandy, soda water, brandy, wine, whisky, brandy, claret | 10 | 0 | 0 | ||||
| Tearing ladies' dress, spoiling gentleman's watch, damaging ladies' false teeth, smashing fiddle, &c. | 26 | 0 | 0 | ||||
| To a destitute mantua-maker | 3 | 0 | 0 | ||||
| Worm pills for the dog | 1 | 10 | 0 | ||||
| May 3. | May 3. | ||||||
| Out of mother, to invest on the sly in the 3½ per cents. for herself | 40 | 0 | 0 | To soda water and brandy, brandy solus, Seidlitz, vinegar and water, cab to Park, ditto to Colonnade | 1 | 15 | 0 |
| Borrowed of Jem | 3 | 0 | 0 | To rouge et noir, bagatelle, breaking cue, and losses on learning French and Hebrew | 50 | 10 | 9 |
| Balance due to me | 56 | 3 | 0 | To "Drury"—cigars, saloon, cab, brandy, Falstaff Drawing Room, music, oysters, champagne, brandy, damaging lady's bonnet, ditto gentleman's glass eye, ditto whiskers, ditto lady's curls, ditto curtains, ditto windows, ditto policeman's nose | 76 | 14 | 10 |
| Relief to a poor servant girl out of place | 1 | 0 | 0 | ||||
| To Mrs. H. for her motherly care for next three days | 15 | 0 | 0 | ||||
| To the pew-opener at church on Sunday | 0 | 0 | 1 | ||||
| £259 | 6 | 8 | £259 | 6 | 8 | ||