I continue to receive from foreign powers the most friendly intercourse, and an assurance that they have unanimously agreed to sink their own national interests in a regard for my welfare; and in this I am certain there is no "gammon."
The Commercial and Mercantile interests are in such a state of convalescent perfection, and gold is so plentiful, that I have ordered a commission to consider of the propriety of paving with it the various thoroughfares of the metropolis, in lieu of Blockheads.
Owing to a great improvement in Benevolent affairs, it is with pleasure I have to inform you that the Public Societies have given up their vested rights, dues, peculations, and pickings, for the benefit of the poor, (should there be any such,) and will henceforth "preach without Profit."
Owing also to the general distribution of wealth among all classes, I have been enabled to divest physic of its fees, and law of its charges; and both these professions will for henceforth be conducted "free gratis" and "for nothing."
Gentlemen of the House of Commons,—Through the practice of the most rigid economy in every branch of my establishment, I have directed to be laid before you an account of the sums paid into the Exchequer, being the surplus of my revenue; and I have further to inform you that taxation being no longer necessary, the expense of a house of commons may be dispensed with, and the large sums usually paid in "bribery at elections," I trust will be left to fructify in the pockets of the members.
This constitutional determination on my part, for the benefit of my people, has arisen from my being called, by Divine Providence, to a sense of my true estate of a State pauper, which has led me to reduce my dietary and that of my household to that of the Poor-Law Unions, and to introduce teatotality into every department; and I have great gratification in being able to announce, that as I have now lost "having a shadow" to my royal personality, I may myself be shortly expected to evaporize, and the expense of a monarchy may be saved for the future.
My Lords and Gentlemen,—With and by the advice of my Privy Council, I have determined upon putting into execution the hydrostatic paradox, or cold water cure, in and upon that part of my dominions called Ireland; and a commission consisting of the Lords Spiritual and Temporal has been issued for laying that "flower of the earth and gem of the sea" "under water" for the space of one month, as the best method of extinguishing the torch of discord, the fire of malevolence, and the smoke of sedition, and of allaying all ferment upon Atlantic if not upon pacific principles.
I rely confidently upon the wisdom of my Parliament to enable me to carry out my beneficent intentions of subjecting all my people to "live upon air," as the symbol of true freedom, and as the most liberal and inexpensive method of obviating the evils which have hitherto surrounded my throne and government; and I would submit to your serious consideration the expediency of establishing a training school at Exeter Hall, for teaching wind instruments to all my subjects, and for the arrangement of airs corresponding to the various meals, feasts, and dishes of every day life; and I indulge the anticipation that the substitution of oxygen for oxen, and gas for Gastronomy, will be conducive to the health, wealth, and prosperity of my empire.