“Well, well,” returned Gideon, a little pacified, as well as elated, by the thought that there was one who really did think that he was able to turn the devil into a goose, “sweep away your tears. You’ll find the table cloth near you. Use the dirty corner twice, and Nelly wont need to wash it.”
Jeremiah followed his brother’s directions, carefully passed the cloth over his face, and once more fixed his eyes upon the book. Gideon laid aside a pair of gaiters, which he was making for the comfort of his wife. The winter was severe—and the doctor, it seems, had said at the house of some wealthy person that there would be a great mortality that season, should females not keep their feet properly warm, and the report had spread through all the town, and had been pretty well circulated, both by the tailors and shoemakers. In fact, shoes and gaiters had been exhibited under the imposing titles of life-preservers. Towards evening the sexton had been known to look suspiciously upon them, and even openly to condemn the traffic; but the articles were still in great demand.
Mrs. Gideon’s gaiters being, as we have said, thrown aside, the tailor settled himself into the posture which was most becoming the spirit of the reply, which he intended to make to the proposition now to be propounded, and Jeremiah commenced reading—
“About midnight, let him go out into a wood, wherein there be divers kinds of trees; let him stand behind a yew, and clapping his hands together, cry out, come here, James, (such being the endearing name by which he is known to his friends,) come here. He shall then perceive a whisper from the top of the tree. Let him instantly draw around him a magic circle, with the forefinger of his right hand, lest his devilship, being angry, pettish, or mischievous, may enter unawares, and suffocate him with his breath. He must next name the conditions, upon the fulfilment of which, he surrenders himself as a slave, then and for ever. He may ask any thing, and his master is bound to perform it, or break the league, and allow his hoof to be scratched with six pins or needles.”
“I have it!” exclaimed Gideon, “the agreement shall be made this very night,” and he looked terrible things to a portrait of Apollyon, which he had torn out of “Pilgrim’s Progress,” and plastered over the mantel-piece.
But not contented with this manner of defiance, he sprung upon his toes, hastily drew a needle from his waistcoat, and pinked the enemy through and through the breast, in spite of scales and hellish armour. Jeremiah, upon this, could not refrain from weeping, and cried out, “poor dragon! poor dragon!”
“Poor dragon! Poor, indeed!” returned the doughty conqueror. “But see, how fierce he looks! The longer I strike, his eyes become larger, and expand with rage.”
When this announcement was made, Jeremiah quickly drew a circle around him. This caution was unnecessary; for Gideon, seizing the picture, threw it to the door, which Mrs. Chiselwig, at that moment opening, received it full in her face. With a loud shout, the enraged wife flew at her husband—we cannot say like a dove to its mate. Nelly had a singular fancy and propensity for squinting; and her visual organs seemed always, as if chiding nature for the place which she had given them to occupy, and were just upon the eve of taking their departure to some back settlements on the head, as sentinels to guard a large neck-covering, which she wore with some degree of pride. Jeremiah, who had a mixture of shrewdness with all his simplicity, had long been of opinion, after careful observation, comparison, and induction of facts, that squinting was the property of old maids, and very philosophically, as well as categorically, gave the following reasons. First—since they always look back upon age, and, in their own calculations, never become older, but sometimes younger; why should not their eyes be in the posterior of their head? Secondly—female eyes ought always to be in front, when their lips are in danger of being saluted; but as old maids are not exposed to this danger, such a situation is not necessary. But be this as it may, there could be no doubt of the fact, that Mrs. Gideon Chiselwig did squint, and viewed every thing at right angles. Perhaps she wished to avoid the labour of her eyes travelling over a large nose. Still, squinting as she did, she took a tolerably correct aim at the shoulders of her spouse. In vain did he look pale, in vain did he attempt to kiss her, and excuse the deed, by affirming that it was purely accidental: all these circumstances did not stay the uplifted hand, or take away a grain from its weight. She had frequently complained of being very delicate, and when the doctor had been called in to feel her pulse with his finger, poor Gideon wished that he could only feel her fist with his head, as he must then have come to a very different conclusion. She could faint, go vulgarly into hysterics, look as pale as a drooping lily, and speak of consumption:—ah! Gideon knew that she could likewise strike hard. It was not the mere “ego,” tripping on his tongue, which said so: every rib, every bone, every member told the same tale. On this occasion, Nelly did not abate any of her strength.
“Angel of my life!” Gideon cried out, “desist, oh! Nelly desist!”