“You treat me as an angel, eh? Doff your nightcap then, in an angel’s presence, and make your lowest bow of reverence.”
Gideon silently obeyed, and very soon had his head scratched to his wife’s content. We omitted to mention that Nelly’s figure rather came under the definition of dumpy; so that had Gideon only been able to read the classics, and to know that the face of man was made to look towards the skies, or the ceiling, she could not, without the labour of mounting a high stool, have reached him, so as to inflict capital punishment.
Meanwhile, Jeremiah’s eyes were moist enough. We have our suspicion that a wave of Mrs. Chiselwig’s hand deposited a few tears there. Still, as this phenomenon was by no means unusual, the Chronicler leaves the point without any further investigation.
After “wholesome severities” had been administered to Gideon by his wife, she dragged him to a seat beside the fire, where she also seated herself, and began to examine the evidence of an exculpatory nature, which the offender had to produce; and to the furtherance of the ends of justice, called his brother to be jury in the case. Jeremiah, in his own mind, had some doubts as to the equity of this course of proceeding: but he was too wise to allow any private opinion of his to contradict the wish of the judge. He thought, too, that his brother’s heroism was much too pure and exalted, since it led him to be passively submissive to the treatment of his wife, lest he might use his weapons ingloriously, when their edge was to be turned against Satan; and as he rose from the table to occupy the jury-box, he was almost tempted to tell both parties that he would be their mutual second, in a fair combat, and then strength would be both jury and judge, and fists would pronounce guilty or not guilty, and register the doom or acquittal accordingly. But Jeremiah shewed his prudence by being silent. Mrs. Chiselwig motioned him to his seat, when her eyes fell upon the gaiters, lying unfinished on the floor.
“So,” she began, “you thought I should not require gaiters after you had killed me, and had resolved to be thrifty, that you might tempt some other person to be your wife?”
Gideon, in reply, raised his eyes. We have some doubt as to whether this movement was expressive of his calling Heaven to witness that he was innocent of any such design; or of his chiding Heaven, for not having brought accidents to such a desirable issue.
Mrs. Gideon’s head began to incline a little to her left hand, which was opened to support it; her breast was heaving against her right hand; her eyes were rolling in an interesting lack-lustre; and her face, with the exception of the nose, was pale. These were symptoms of hysterics. She seemed about to fall from her seat, and Gideon once thought of helping her to her wish, by removing the chair from under her, but when he thought over the matter twice, the idea was abandoned, for Nelly had been known to recover in a wondrously short time, from her fainting fits. On this occasion she contented herself with bursting into tears.
“Oh! cruel brute, to be yoked to such a delicate little heart! Why did I leave the holy state of single life. I might now have been seated, eating gingerbread as I was when the wretch came with his proposals!”
Gideon gave a sigh, and thought that even Ormskirk gingerbread should not tempt him, were he free, to bear her company.