"Now sinking Rome grows weak with luxury,
To please her appetite cram'd peacocks die:
Their gaudy plumes a modish dress supply.
For her the guinnea hen and capon's drest:
The stork it self for Rome's luxurious taste,
Must in a caldron build its humbl'd nest.
That foreign, friendly, pious, long-leg'd thing,
Grateful, that with shrill sounding notes dost sing
All winter's gone; yet ushers in the spring.
Why in one ring must three rich pearls be worn,
But that your wives th' exhausted seas adorn,
Abroad t' increase their lust, at home their scorn?
Why is the costly emerald so desir'd,
Or richer glittering carbuncle admir'd,
Because they sparkle, is't with that you're fir'd?
Well, honesty's a jewel. Now none knows
A modest bride from a kept whore by 'er cloaths;
For cobweb lawns both spouse and wench expose."
"But, now we talk after the rate of the learned, which," said he, "are the most difficult trades? I think a physician and a banker: a physician, because he know's a man's very heart, and when the fits of an ague will return; tho' by the way, I hate them mortally; for by their good will I should have nothing but slubber-slops: And a banker, because he'll find out a piece of brass money, tho' plated with silver.
"There are also brute beasts, sheep and oxen, laborious in their kind: Oxen, to whom we are beholding for the bread we eat; and sheep, for the wooll, that makes us so fine. But O horrid! we both eat the mutton, and make us warm with the fleece. I take the bees for divine creatures; they give us honey, tho' 'tis said they stole it from Jupiter, and that's the reason why they sting: For where-ever ye meet any thing that's sweet you'll ever find a sting at the end of it."
He also excluded philosophers from business, while the memoirs of the family were carrying round the table, and a boy, set for that purpose, read aloud the names of the presents, appointed for the guests, to carry home with them. Wicked silver, what can it not? Then a gammon of bacon was set on the table, and above that several sharp sauces, a night-cap for himself, pudding-pies, and I know not what kind of birds: There was also brought in a rundlet of wine, boiled off a third part, and kept under ground to preserve its strength: There were also several other things I can give no account of; besides apples, scallions, peaches, a whip, a knife, and what had been sent him; as sparrows, a flye-flap, raisons, Attick honey, night-gowns, judges robes, dry'd paste, table-books, with a pipe and a foot-stool: After which came in an hare and a sole-fish: And there was further sent him a lamprey, a water-rat, with a frog at his tail, and a bundle of beets.
Long time we smiled at these, and five hundred the like, that have now slipt my memory: But now when Ascyltos, who could not moderate hirnself, held up his hands and laught at every thing; nay so downright, that he was ready to cry: A free-man of Trimalchio's that sate next above me, grew hot upon't; and "What," said he, "thou sheep, what dost thou laugh at? does not this sumptuousness of my master please you? you're richer (forsooth) and eat better every day; so may the guardian of this place favour me, as had I sate near him, I'd hit him a box on the ear ere this: A hopeful cullion, that mocks others; some pitiful night-walker, not worth the very urine he makes; and should I throw mine on him, knows not where to dry himself. I am not (so help me Hercules) quickly angry, yet worms are bred even in tender flesh. He laughs! what has he to laugh at? what wooll did his father give for the bantling? Is he a Roman knight? I am the son of a king. How came I then, you'll say, to serve another? I did it of my self, and had rather be a citizen of Rome, than a tributary king, and now hope to live so, as to be no man's jeast. I walk like other men, with an open face, and can shew my head among the best, for I owe no man a groat; I never had an action brought against me, or said to me on the exchange, Pay me what thou owest me. I bought some acres in the country, and have everything suitable to it: I feed twenty mouths, besides dogs: I ransomed my bond-woman, lest another should wipe his hands on her smock; and between our selves, she cost me more than I'll tell ye at present. I was made a captain of horse gratis, and hope so to die, that I shall have no occasion to blush in my grave: But art thou so prying into others, that thou never considerest thy self? Canst thou spy a louse on another man's coat, and not see the tyck on thy own? Your master then is ancienter than your self, and 't please him; but yet thou, whose milk is not yet out of thy nose; that can'st not say boh to a goose; must you be making observations? Are you the wealthier man? If you are, dine twice, and sup twice; for my part, I value my credit more than treasures: Upon the whole matter, where's the man that ever dunn'd me twice? Thou pipkin of a man, more limber, but nothing better than a strap of wet leather, I have served forty years in this house, came into it with my hair full grown; this palace was not then built, yet I made it my business to please my master, a person of honour, the parings of whose nails are more worth than thy whole body. I met several rubs in my way, but by the help of my good angel, I broke through them all: This is truth; it is as easie to make a hunting-horn of a sow's tail, as to get into this company. What make ye in a dump now, like a goat at a heap of stones?"
On this Gito, who stood behind him, burst out a laughing; which the other taking notice of, fell upon the boy; and, "Do you," said he, "laugh too, you curl-pated chattering magpye? O the Saturnals! Why how now, sirrah! is it the month of December? When were you twenty, I pray? What would this collop dropt from the gibbet, this crows-meat, be at? I'll find some or other way for Jupiter to plague thee, and him that bred thee no better, or never let me eat a good meals-meat again: I could, sirrah, but for the companies sake, I spare thee; tho' either we understand not aright, or they are sots themselves that carry no better a hand over thee; for without doubt it is true, like master like man. I am hot by nature, and can scarce contain my self; give me but a mess of peaseporridge, and I care not two-pence for my mother. Very well, I shall meet thee abroad, thou mouse; nay, rather mole-hill. May I never thrive more, but I'll drive that master of thine into a blade of rue; nor shalt thou (so help me Hercules) 'scape me, tho' thou couldst call in Jupiter to thy aid: I shall off with those locks, and take thee when that trifling master of thine shall be out of the way; thou wilt certainly fall into my hands, and either I know not my self, or I'll make thee leave that buffoonry: Tho' thy beard were of gold, I'll have thee bruised in a mortar, and him that first taught thee: I never studied geometry, criticism, and meer words without sence, but I understand the fitting of stones for buildings; can run you over a hundred things, as to metal, weight, coin, and that to a tittle; if you have a mind you and I will try it between us: I'll lay thee a wager, thou wizard, and tho' I am wholly ignorant of rhetorick, thou'lt presently see thou hast lost: Let no one run about the bush to me; I come up to him: Resolve me, I say, 'which of us runs, yet stirs not out of his place: which of us grows bigger, and yet is less.' Do you scamper? Can't you tell what to make of it, that you look so like a mouse in a trap? Therefore either hold thy tongue, or don't provoke a better man than thy self, who does not think thee fram'd of nature, unless thou fansiest me taken with those yellow curl'd locks, which thou hast already vowed to some whore or other. O lucky opportunity! Come, let's walk the exchange, and see which of us can take up money: You'll be satisfied then, this iron has credit upon't; a pretty thing, is it not! a drunken fox. So may I gain while I live, and die well; but the people will brain me if I follow not that coat on thy back, which is not for thy wearing, where-ever thou goest: He's a precious tool too, whoever he were, that taught thee; a piece of green cheese, no master. I have learn'd as well as another man, and my master said it would be my own another day. Save your worship! get home as fast as you can, but look well about you, and have a care how you speak irreverently of your betters, or vie estates with them; he that does it, his purse shall feel it: For my self, that you see me as I am, I thank my stars for the art I have."
Ascyltos was making answer to his railing; when Trimalchio, pleased with that good grace of speaking, "Go to," said he, "no more of this wild talk, let us rather be pleasant: And you Hermeros, bear with the young-man, his blood boils; be thou the soberer man; he that is overcome in this matter, goes off conqueror: Even thy self, when thou wert such another capon, hadst nothing but coco, coco, and no heart at all. Let us therefore, which is the better of the two, be heartily merry, and expect some admirers of Homer, that will be here presently."