Trimalchio was pleased with the humour, and calling for a bigger glass, asked him what entertainment he had whence he came?
"Every thing," said the other, "but thy self; for my inclination was here; tho' (so help me Hercules) it was all well. Scissa kept a nine-days feast for his servant Miscellus, whom he infranchised after he was dead: It is said he had a round sum in the chequer, for they reckon he died worth 50,000 sesterces; yet this was all done in good order; tho' every one of us were obliged to pour half his drink on the grave."
"But," said Trimalchio, "what had ye to eat?" "I'll tell ye," quoth Habinas, "as near as I can, for my memory is not so good, but that sometimes I forget my own name: However, for the first dish we had a goodly porker, with a garland upon him, and puddings, goose giblets, lamb-stones, sweetbreads, and gizzards round him; there were also beets and houshold-bread of his own baking, for himself, which I would rather have than white; it makes a man strong, and I never complain of what I like. The next was a cold tart, with excellent warm honey, and that Spanish, running upon it. I eat little of the tart, but more of the honey; I tasted also the red pulse, and lupines, by the advice of Calvus, and several apples, of which I took away two in my handkerchief: for if I bring home nothing to my little she slave, I shall have snubs enough: this dame of mine puts me often in mind of her. We had also on a side-table the haunch of a bear, which Scintilla tasting ere she was aware, had like to have thrown up her guts: I on the other hand eat a pound of it or better, for methought it tasted like boars flesh; and said I, if a bear eats a man, why may not a man much more eat a bear? To be short, we had cream cheese, wine boil'd off to a third part, fry'd snails, chitterlings, livers, eggs, turneps, mustard, and a bowl that held a gallon. Don't disturb me, Palamedes; there were also handled about a basket of sugar-cakes, of which we wantonly took some, and sent away the gammon of bacon. But tell me Caius, I beseech you, what's the matter that Fortunata sits not among us?" "How came you to know her?" quoth Trimalchio; "for till she has gotten her plate together, and distributed what we leave among the servants, not a sip of any thing goes into her mouth."
"But unless she sits down," replied Habinas, "I'll be gone"; and was getting up, but that the word being four times given about for her, she came at last in a greenish gown and a cherry-colour'd stomacher, beneath which might be seen her petticoat and embroidered garters; then wiping her hands on her neckcloth, she sate on that bed whereon Scintilla the wife of Habinas was; and having given her a kiss, told her it was in compliment to her that she was there. At length it came to this, that she took off her weighty bracelets, and shewed them to Scintilla, which she admiring, she also unbuckled her garters and a net-work purse, which she said was of the finest gold.
Trimalchio observed it, and commanding all to be laid before him, "See," said he, "this womans finery, and what fools our wives make us; they should be six pound and a half; yet I've another of Mercury's making, that weighs ten": And that he might not be thought to tell a lye, called for his gold scales, and commanded them to be weighed: Nor had Scintilla more wit than t'other, for pulling a golden box out of her bosom, which she called good luck, she took out of it two large pearl pendants, giving them in like manner to Fortunata to view: "See," quoth she, "what 'tis to have a kind husband, I am sure no woman has better." "What," said Habinas, "hast thou put the sham on me? thou toldst me thou couldst be contented with glass beads; and for this trick, if I had a daughter I'd cut off her ears; tho' were there no women what were the rest worth? This is to piss warm and drink cold."
Mean time the women perceiving they were toucht, twitter'd among themselves, and being got drunk, fell to kissing one another; one commended the mistress of the house, t'other the master: when during this chatter, Habinas stealing behind Fortunata, gave her such a toss on the bed, that her heels flew as high as her head, on which she gave a squeak or two, and finding her thighs bare, ran her head under Scintilla's smock.
This held a while, till Trimalchio calling for a second service to entertain his new guests, the servants took away the tables that were before us, and having brought others, strew'd the room with pin-dust, mixt with vermillion and saffron; and what I never saw before, the dust of a looking-glass ground to powder.
When immediately, quoth Trimalchio, "I could have been contented with those first dishes; but since we have got other tables, we must also have another service; and if there be any thing worth our having, bring it."
On which, a spruce boy that served us with warm water, began to imitate a nightingale; till Trimalchio giving the word, a servant that waited on Habinas, set up another humour, and, as I believe, commanded by his master, nois'd out;
"Mean time Æneas had put off to sea."