"While I was yet a servant we liv'd in a narrow lane, now the house of Gavilla: There, as the gods would have it, I fell in love with Tarentius's wife; he kept an eating-house. Ye all knew Melissa Tarentina, a pretty little punching-block, and withal beautiful; but (so help me Hercules) I minded her not so much for the matter of the point of that, as that she was good-humour'd; if I asked her any thing, she never deny'd me; and what money I had, I trusted her with it; nor did she ever fail me when I'd occasion. It so happened, that a she-companion of hers had dy'd in the country, and she was gone thither; how to come at her I could not tell; but a friend is seen at a dead lift; it also happened my master was gone to Capua to dispatch somewhat or other: I laid hold of the opportunity, and persuaded mine host to take an evenings walk of four or five miles out of town, for he was a stout fellow, and as bold as a devil: The moon shone as bright as day, and about cock-crowing we fell in with a burying-place, and certain monument of the dead: my man loitered behind me a-star-gazing, and I sitting expecting him, fell a singing and numbering them; when looking round me, what should I see but mine host stript stark-naked, and his cloaths lying by the high-wayside. The sight struck me every where, and I stood as if I had been dead; but he piss'd round his cloaths, and of a sudden was turned to a wolf: Don't think I jest; I value no man's estate at that rate, as to tell a lye. But as I was saying, after he was turned to a wolf, he set up a howl, and fled to the woods. At first I knew not where I was, till going to take up his cloaths, I found them also turn'd to stone. Another man would have dy'd for fear, but I drew my sword, and slaying all the ghosts that came in my way, lighted at last on the place where my mistress was: I entered the first door; my eyes were sunk in my head, the sweat ran off me by more streams than one, and I was just breathing my last, without thought of recovery; when my Melissa coming up to me, began to wonder why I'd be walking so late; and 'if,' said she, 'you had come a little sooner, you might have done us a kindness; for a wolf came into the farm, and has made butchers work enough among the cattle; but tho' he got off, he has no reason to laugh, for a servant of ours ran him through the neck with a pitchfork.' As soon as I heard her, I could not hold open my eyes any longer, and ran home by daylight, like a vintner whose house had been robb'd: But coming by the place where the cloaths were turned to stone, I saw nothing but a puddle of blood; and when I got home, found mine host lying a-bed like an oxe in his stall, and a chirurgeon dressing his neck. I understood afterwards he was a fellow that could change his skin; but from that day forward, could never eat a bit of bread with him, no, if you'd have kill'd me. Let them that don't believe me, examine the truth of it; may your good angels plague me as I tell ye a lye."
The company were all wondring, when, "Saving what you have said," quoth Trimalchio, "if there be faith in man, my hair stands on end, because I know Niceros is no trifler; he's sure of what he says, and not given to talking: Nay, I'll tell ye as horrible a thing my self; but see there, what's that behind the hangings?
"When I was yet a long-hair'd boy, for even then I liv'd a pleasant life, I had a minion, and he dy'd: He was (so help me Hercules) a pearl, a paragon, nay perfection it self: But when the poor mother lamented him, and we also were doing the same, some witches got round the house on a sudden, you'd have taken them for hounds hunting a hare. We had then in the house a Cappadocian, a tall fellow, stout and hardy, that would not have stept an inch out of his way for Jupiter. He boldly drew his sword, and wrapping his coat about his left arm, leaped out of the house, and as it might be here, (no hurt to the thing I touch) ran a woman clean through. We heard a pitiful groan, but not to lye, saw none of them. Our champion came in and threw himself on a bed, but all black and blue, so he had been trosh'd with flails; for it seems some ill hand had touched him. We shut the door, and went on with our mourning; but the mother taking her son in her arms, and stroaking him, found nothing but a bolster of straw; it had neither heart, entrals, nor any thing, for the fairies belike had stollen him out of his cradle, and left that of straw instead of him. Give me credit, I beseech ye, women are craftier than we are, play their tricks by night, and turn every thing topsy-turvy. After this our tall fellow never came to his colour again, but in a few days died raving-mad."
We all wondred, as not doubting what he said, and kissing the table in reverence to him, pray'd the privilege of the night, and that our places might be kept till we returned.
And now we thought the lamps look'd double, and the whole room seem'd quite another thing, when Trimalchio again, "I speak to you Plorimus, won't you come in for a share? Will ye entertain us with nothing, thou usedst to be a pleasant companion, couldst sing a song and tell a tale with the best; but alas! alas! the sweetmeats are gone." "My horses," said the other, "ran away with my coach, I have been troubled with the gout ever since. When I was a young fellow, I sung so long I had well nigh brought my self into a consumption. What do ye tell me of songs, tales, or barber shops? Who ever came near me but one, only Apelles;" and with setting his hand to his mouth, whistled out somewhat, I know not what, which afterwards he swore was Greek. Trimalchio also when he mimicked the trumpets, looked on his minion and called him Crœsus: Yet the boy was blear-eye'd, and swathing up a little black bitch with nasty teeth, and over-grown with fat, in green swadlingclouts, he set half a loaf on the table, which she refusing, he cram'd her with it: on which Trimalchio commanded the guardian of his house and family, Scylax, to be brought; when presently was led in a beautiful mastiff in a chain, who having a hint given him by a knock of the porter's foot, lay down before the table: whereupon Trimalchio throwing him a manchet; "There's no one," said he, "in this house of mine, loves me better than this dog." The boy taking it in dudgeon that Scylax should be so commended, laid the bitch on the floor, and challenged the dog to have a rubber with him. On this Scylax, after the manner of dogs, set up such a hideous barking, that it fill'd the room; and snapping at him, almost rent off a brooch that hung on Crœsus's breast; nor did the scuffle end here, for the great candle being overturn'd on the table, broke all the chrystal glasses, and threw the scalding oil on the guests.
Trimalchio, not to seem concerned at the loss, kissed the boy, and commanded him to get on his back; nor was it long e're he was a cock-horse, and slapping his masters shoulders, and laughing, cry'd out, "Fool, fool, and how many of them have we here?"
Trimalchio thus kept under for a while, commanded a bumper to be fill'd and given round to the waiters, with this further, that whosoever refused it should have it poured down his collar. Thus one while we were grave, and other while merry.
After this came junkets and made dishes, the very remembrance of which, if I may be believed, will not yet down with me; for there were several cram'd hens given about under the notion of thrushes, and goose eggs with caps upon them; which Trimalchio, nor without ostentation press'd us to eat; adding withal, that their bones were taken out.
Nor were the words scarce out of his mouth, when a beadle rapp'd at the door, and one in white, with a company of roisters following him, came in upon us: For my part I was not a little surprized; and by his lordliness taking him for the Mayor of a town, and our selves within his liberties, was getting upon my feet. Agamemnon laught to see me so concerned, and bade me sit still; "for," said he, "this Habinas is a captain of horse, a good mason, and has a special faculty in making monuments."
Recovered again with his words, I kept my seat, and wholly fix'd my eye on Habinas: He came in drunk, and lolling on his wife's shoulders, with some garlands about him, his face all trickling down with ointment, he seated himself at the head of the table, and incontinently called for wine and hot water.