“The killing of chickens is still a great sexual stimulus for me, and especially holding them, during which I have palpitation of the heart and precordial oppression. It is of interest that my father had a passion for binding together the hands of girls and young women.
“I think that another of my sexual abnormalities is attributable to this strain of cruelty. As I shall clearly describe later, one of my favorite games was that of an improvised doll-theatre, where I prescribed the parts of my companions. Almost always it was a young girl who, at the command of her papa, whom I represented, had to have a painful operation done on her foot. The more the girl cried, the more satisfaction I had. How I came to hit upon the foot as the constant object of operation will be seen from the following: When a very young boy, I happened to see my eldest sister change her stockings. When she hastily hid her feet, my attention was attracted, and immediately the sight of her bare feet to the ankles came to be the ideal of my longing. Naturally, this made my sister very careful; and thus there was occasioned a constant quarrel, which, on my part, was kept up with all the wiles of cunning and flattery, and with even explosions of anger, until my seventeenth year. In other respects my sister was very indifferent. Indeed, her kiss is repugnant to me. Faute de mieux, I made use of the feet of servants; masculine feet had no effect on me. My greatest desire would have been to cut the nails, or, sit venia verbo, the corns, on the beautiful foot of a woman. My lustful dreams were concerned with these things. Indeed, I applied myself to the study of medicine really in the expectation of gaining an opportunity to satisfy my desires, or cure them. Thank God, I attained the latter. After undertaking the first dissection of the lower extremity of a female, this unhappy desire was removed from me. I was unhappy because I was always deeply ashamed of this impulse. I think I may spare further details concerning it, since this peculiar enthusiasm, which even inspired me to write verses, has been sufficiently described by others.
“Now, concerning the last phase of my sexual errors: I was about thirteen, and had just begun to mature, when a school-mate, who happened to be our guest, teased me one night by kicking me with his bare feet under the covers. I seized his foot, and immediately became greatly excited, and had a pollution after it,—the first that I had. The boy was peculiarly girlish in form, and was also mentally effeminate. Too, another comrade who had very small and delicate hands and feet, whom I once saw in a bath, caused unusual excitement in me. I thought it a great piece of good fortune to be in bed with either of these, though any nearer sexual intercourse than embracing them never came into my mind. Moreover, I always thrust such thoughts aside with aversion. Some years later, when about sixteen or eighteen, I made the acquaintance of two other boys that awakened my sexual feeling. When I played with either of these, I immediately had an erection. Both were very energetic and lively, but delicately formed and child-like. At the occurrence of puberty I lost interest in both of them, though a warm friendship was preserved. I should never have allowed myself to have indulged in vicious practices with them.
“When I went to the University, I forgot completely these errors of my libido sexualis, and from principle I kept from sexual intercourse until I was twenty-four, in spite of the contempt of my companions. When pollutions became too frequent, and I began to fear cerebral neurasthenia ex abstinentia, I gave myself up to normal sexual indulgence, though somewhat mechanically; and it was, of course, very beneficial to me.
“The especial field of work to which I have devoted myself is responsible for the fact that I am almost impotent with puellis publicis, and also for the fact that the naked form of a woman disgusts rather than excites me. The act always satisfies me the most, if, during it, I can keep the vision of the face before me; but since, on the other hand, the idea that the girl near me is enjoyed by another is unbearable, for years I have found it absolutely necessary for my mental comfort, in spite of the pecuniary sacrifice, to keep a mistress, and, indeed, a virgin. Otherwise the most terrible jealousy made me absolutely incapable of work. I must also mention that, at thirteen, I fell in love platonically for the first time; and since then I have often pined in chaste love. What distinguishes my case from all others is the fact that I have never once masturbated in my life.
“Some weeks ago, in sleep, I was frightened by a dream of a naked boy, from which I awoke with an erection. In conclusion, I venture to undertake the difficult task of describing my present condition: Medium height, gracefully formed. Skull dolichocephalic, with prominence in the occipital region; circumference, 59 centimetres; frontal prominence marked; glance somewhat neuropathic; pupils medium; teeth very defective; musculature strong and tense; abundant hair, blonde. Varicocele on the left side; frenulum too short, which hindered me in coitus. I severed it myself three years ago. Since then ejaculation is retarded, and pleasurable feeling much diminished. Temperament choleric. Quick of comprehension; good at drawing conclusions; energetic; for one hereditarily predisposed, very persevering. I learn languages easily, and have a good ear for music, but otherwise I have no talent for the arts. I am always ambitious to do my duty, but I am constantly troubled with tædium vitæ, and only kept from attempts at suicide by my religion and the thought of my mother. Otherwise I am a typical candidate for suicide. I am ambitious, jealous, have a fear of paralysis; left-handed. I am filled with socialistic ideas. I like adventures, and I am courageous. I have decided never to marry.”
Case 109. Psychical Hermaphroditism. Autobiography.—“I was born in 1868. The families of both my parents are healthy; at any rate, mental disease has never occurred in them. My father was a merchant; he is now sixty-five years old, and for years has been nervous and especially inclined to be melancholic. Before his marriage, my father is said to have lived fast. My mother is healthy, though not very strong. There are two other healthy children.
“I was very early developed sexually, and in my fourteenth year was so much troubled by pollutions that I was frightened. Under what circumstances they occurred, particularly the nature of the dreams that were connected with them, I am no longer able to state. The fact is, that for years I have only felt myself drawn toward men sexually; and, with every effort and a terrible struggle, I am still unable to overcome this unnatural impulse that is so repugnant to me. It is said that I had many severe illnesses in my childhood, and that my life was often despaired of. To this was probably due the fact that I was spoiled and made very delicate. I was always much in the house, preferred to play with dolls rather than with soldiers, and I liked to play quietly in the house better than to play noisily in the streets. I entered the Gymnasium at the age of ten. Though I was lazy, I was among the best scholars; for I learned very easily, and was the favorite of my teacher. From my earliest childhood (seventh year), I took pleasure in little girls. I remember that, even until my thirteenth year, I had formal love-affairs with them, and was jealous of those who associated with them; that I took pleasure in looking under the petticoats of my sister’s friends and the servants; and that I had erections when touching the persons of my female playmates. I can, however, recall with certainty that boys attracted and excited me sexually just as early and powerfully. I always took great delight in reading and in the theatre. I had a doll-theatre, with which I played by preference. I knew whole pieces by heart, and copied the actors I saw, taking especially the female parts, in which I was delighted to put on female attire.
“As my sexual life became more pronounced, my inclination for boys won the upper hand. I fell completely in love with my companions, and had lustful feeling if one of them who pleased me touched my body. I became very shy, and refused to take gymnastic and swimming lessons. I thought I was different from my comrades, and did not like to undress before them. I liked to look at the penes of my companions, and easily had erections. I masturbated but once, and that in my youth. When a friend told me that one could have pleasure without women, I likewise tried it; but I found no pleasure in it. At that time, also, a book fell in my hands which warned against the effects of onanism. After that one trial I never did it again. In my fourteenth or fifteenth year, I made the acquaintance of two younger boys who excited me sexually to the highest degree. I was especially in love with one of them. I became sexually excited in his presence, and was restless when I did not have him near me. I was jealous of those who associated with him, and embarrassed in his presence. He had no suspicion of my condition. I felt very unhappy, and often wept gladly, feeling then relieved. Yet I could not understand this feeling, and always felt its irregularity. I was also especially unhappy because my ability to work disappeared all at once. I, who before had learned with ease, suddenly had difficulty; my thoughts were never on the subject. Only by straining every nerve could I get anything through my head. I always had to study aloud, in order to keep my attention on the matter in hand. My memory, which was previously excellent, often left me in the lurch. Nevertheless, I continued to be a good scholar, and I still pass for a talented man; but I have terrible difficulty in learning anything. I exerted all my energy to free myself from this sad condition. Daily I went swimming; I practiced turning, rode much, and practiced fencing, in all of which I enjoyed myself very much. I still like to be on a horse’s back, though I know nothing about horses, and have no particular talent for physical exercises. I was never absent from a drinking-party, and I smoked. I was much liked. In cafés I associated much with waitresses, and liked to amuse myself with them, without, however, being sexually excited by them. Among my friends and teachers, I passed for a man who was much with women, and spoiled by them. Unfortunately, this was not true.
“At the age of nineteen I went to the University. My first semester was spent at the University of B., and it is still terrible to recall it. My sexual appetite powerfully excited me, and at night, for hours at a time, I ran about looking for men, especially when I was intoxicated. The next morning I would be crazy about myself. Fortunately, I found no one. In the second semester, I went to M. This was my happiest time. I had pleasant friends, and, for a wonder, took pleasure in women, and was very happy about it. I had a love-affair with a young girl of spoiled character, with whom I spent wild nights. I was extraordinarily virile. I, who had formerly been chaste, also associated with other women, as never before. I felt fresh and well after coitus. I was not charmed so much by the female figure, which was never beautiful to me, as by—I know not what. In short, I knew women whose touch immediately induced erection. This joy and state of delight did not last long. I was so foolish as to take rooms with a friend. We had one sleeping-room. My friend was very talented and amiable, and a favorite with women; and it was by these characteristics that he at first so strongly attracted me. In fact, I love only highly-educated men; uneducated, powerful persons are able to excite me intensely only for the moment, and cannot retain my affections. I soon fell in love with my friend. Then came the terrible time that destroyed my health. I slept in the same room with my friend, and had to see him undress daily; so that it required all my strength to keep from betraying myself. I became nervous, cried easily, and was jealous of those who associated with my friend. I still associated with women; but it was only with difficulty that I could perform coitus, which, like woman, was repugnant to me. The same women who had excited me intensely, no longer had any effect on me. I followed my friend to W., where he met an earlier friend, with whom he associated. I became jealous and sick with love and longing. At the same time, I associated with women again, but seldom, and only with difficulty, indulged in coitus. I became terribly depressed and almost insane. Work was out of the question. I led a foolish, wild life, and spent a great amount of money, almost throwing it away. Then, after six weeks of it, I broke down, and had to visit a water-cure, where I spent many months. There I came to myself again, and soon became much liked; for I can be very gay, and I take great pleasure in the society of educated ladies. In conversation, I prefer married women to younger girls; I am also very gay in the society of gentlemen at the beer-table and bowling-alley.