“At this sanitarium I met a man of twenty-nine, who was apparently constituted like myself. The fellow forced himself upon me, and wanted to embrace and kiss me; but he was very repugnant to me, though he excited me, and his touch caused erection, and even ejaculation. One evening he got me to perform mutual onanism. After it I spent a most frightful, sleepless night; I was terribly disgusted with the whole affair, and thought I should never do such a thing with a man again. All day long I could get no rest. It was terrible to me that, in spite of this, and against my will, this man so excited me sexually; yet, on the other hand, it gave me satisfaction that he was in love with me, and apparently had to go through struggles similar to my earlier ones. From that time I was successful in keeping him away from me.
“I again went to various Universities, and also visited many water-cures, with temporary, but never permanent, benefit. I fell in love, too, with many friends, but never so deeply as with the friend at M. I no longer had sexual intercourse, neither with women—I was incapable of it—nor with men; for I had no opportunity for it with the latter, and I forced myself to avoid it. I still often met my friend of M.; we are as good friends as ever, and, much to my delight, he no longer excites me. It is usually so; when for a long time I have not seen a person who excites me, the sexual influence disappears.
“I passed my examinations with distinction. During the last year before they took place,—when I was twenty-three,—I began to practice masturbation; for I could find no other way in which to gratify my burdensome sexual appetite. Still, I did it very infrequently; for after it I was always disgusted, and spent a sleepless night. But when I have drunk much, I lose all strength; and then I run about for hours, seeking men, and finally come to onanism, to awake the next day with a dull head and a horror of myself, and go about all day in a melancholy state. As long as I have control of myself, I use all my strength to combat my nature. It is terrible when one can have no pleasure in associating with friends, and every erect soldier or butcher-boy makes one tremble and throb. It is frightful when night comes, and I watch at the window for some one to urinate against a wall across the way, and give me an opportunity to see his genitals. These thoughts are terrible; and besides, there is the consciousness of the immorality and criminality of my state of mind and my longing. I have a repugnance for myself that I cannot describe. I consider my condition abnormal; I cannot think that it is congenital, but I believe that the impulse was bred in me by faulty education. My suffering makes me reckless and egotistical; it takes away all kindness of disposition, and makes me careless about my family. I am moody, and often almost insane; often I am so depressed that I know not what to do, and then am easily moved to tears. And yet I have a horror of sexual intercourse with men. One evening when I came from a drinking-party, drunk and excited and in a half-conscious state, and, full of desire, was wandering about, I met a young man, who got me to perform mutual masturbation. Though he excited me, after the act I was beside myself. To-day, when I go by the place, I am overcome with horror; and lately, when riding by it, without any cause, I fell from my gentle horse, that I know so well,—I was so overcome by the memory of my unworthy deed.
“I love family life and children, and social intercourse; and, with my position in society, I am suited to have a family. But I must give up all that; and yet, I cannot abandon hope of cure. And so I vacillate between hopeful gaiety and frightful hopelessness, and neglect business and family. Indeed, I do not ask that I may marry and found a family; I wish only to overcome the terrible inclination for the male sex; only to associate quietly with my friends, and to learn to respect myself again.
“No one has any suspicion of my condition; I pass rather for a great roué,—a reputation I try to maintain. I often try to have relations with girls, for which I often have opportunity. I have known many who loved me, and who would have sacrificed their honor for me; but I have no love to offer them, and nothing sexual to give. And yet I can love a man. I am excited only by young men,—i.e., aged from seventeen to twenty-five, without full beards, and preferably with no beards at all. I can love only those that are educated, respectable, and amiable. I am, in short, very proud, and quick; I am also enthusiastic, and easily led by persons who please me. These I try to imitate, but I am very sensitive with them, and easily hurt. I put much value on appearances, love beautiful furniture and dress, and assume a distinguished manner and elegant address. I am unhappy in that my neurasthenic condition keeps me from doing and learning what I should like.”
Last fall I made the patient’s acquaintance. He is destitute of degenerative signs, and of perfectly masculine appearance, even though he is delicately formed and slender. Genitals perfectly normal. Appearance distinguished, with nothing striking. He is much troubled about his sexual perversion, and wishes to be freed from it at any price. In spite of the greatest effort on the part of both physician and patient, only a slight degree of hypnosis, insufficient for suggestive treatment, could be induced.
Case 110. Psychical Hermaphroditism—Mouth-fetichism.—“I am thirty-one years old, and an official in a manufactory. My parents are healthy, and have nothing abnormal about them. My paternal grandfather is said to have had brain disease; my maternal grandmother died melancholic; a cousin of my mother was given to drink; several other blood-relations are abnormal mentally.
“I was four years old when my sexual appetite awoke. A man between twenty and thirty years old, who played with us children, and took us in his arms, excited in me the desire to embrace and kiss him passionately. This desire for sensual kissing on the mouth is characteristic of me, and it still forms the chief charm of my sexual gratification.
“I experienced a similar excitation in about my ninth year. A man who was ugly and dirty, and had a red beard, likewise excited in me this desire for him. Here was manifested, for the first time, a characteristic peculiar to me, which is still present,—i.e., the peculiar stimulus which coarseness—the filthiness of a person in dress and conduct—is to my senses at times.
“While in the Gymnasium, from my eleventh to my fifteenth year, I was affected with a passion for a comrade. In this case, it was also my greatest pleasure to embrace him, and kiss him on the mouth. I was often seized with a desire for him as intense as that I now have for persons I love. I think, however, that I first had erections in my thirteenth year. During these years, as I have said, I had only the desire to embrace and kiss; cupiditas videndi vel tangendi aliorum genitalia mihi plane deerat. I was a perfectly innocent, näive boy, and, until my fifteenth year, did not know the meaning of an erection; indeed, I never once ventured to kiss the beloved person; for I felt that it would be doing something strange. I felt no desire to masturbate, and also had the good fortune not to be seduced to it by older comrades. I have never yet masturbated; I feel a certain repugnance for it.