“In my fourteenth and fifteenth years I was seized with a passion for several young persons, some of whom still attract me. Thus I was very much in love with a boy with whom I had never spoken. It was even a delight to meet him on the street.
“That my passions were of a sensual nature is shown by the fact that, when I pressed and caressed the hands of those I loved, I had powerful erections. But it has always been my greatest pleasure amplecti et os osculari; I desired nothing else.
“I did not know that what I experienced was sexual love; I only said to myself that it was impossible that I alone felt such stimuli.
“Until my fifteenth year a woman had never excited me; but one evening, when I was alone with our servant-girl in a room, I experienced the same desire that I had for many boys. At first I played with her; and, when I found that she liked to be kissed, I covered her with kisses. I felt such sensual pleasure in it as I now seldom experience. Mouth to mouth, we kissed each other, and after about ten minutes ejaculation occurred. Thus I gratified myself two or three times a week. I soon began a similar relation with our cook, and with other servant-girls. Ejaculation always took place after kissing for about ten minutes.
“In the meantime, I had taken dancing-lessons. There I was first charmed by a nice girl; but this love soon disappeared, and I fell in love with another girl, with whom I never became acquainted, but at the sight of whom I felt an attraction like that of boys, and unlike the purely brutal passion I felt for other girls. At this time my impulse for girls was at its acme; I was pleased by about an equal number of girls and boys. As mentioned above, I gratified my sensuality by kissing the servant-girl and inducing ejaculation. Thus I spent the time from my sixteenth to my eighteenth year. The departure of the servant deprived me of opportunity.
“Then came two or three years during which I had to give up sexual pleasure. In general, girls pleased me less; and, too, now that I had grown older, I was ashamed to surrender myself to the servant-girls.
“It was not possible for me to obtain a mistress; for, notwithstanding my years, I was carefully watched by my parents, and associated but little with young men, and thus had but little independence. With the diminution in the desire for women, the attractiveness of youths increased.
“Since I had had, since my sixteenth year, frequent pollutions at night with dreams,—in part of women and in part of men,—which weakened and depressed me exceedingly, I desired to make an end of them by means of normal coitus. But scruples and the belief that prostitutes would have no effect on me, kept me from the brothel until my twenty-first year. For two or three years I went through a daily struggle (if there had been male houses of prostitution, no scruples would have hindered me). Finally I visited a brothel. I could not even induce erection; for one reason because the girl, though she was unusually fresh and pretty for a prostitute, did not affect me; but really because she would not kiss me on the mouth. I was very much depressed, and thought I was impotent. Three weeks afterward I visited another prostitute, and she immediately induced erection by her kiss. She was erect and had thick lips, and was much more sensual than the first one. After only three minutes of simple kissing, mouth to mouth, ejaculation was induced,—of course, ante portam. Thus it was only after I had visited prostitutes about seven times that I was successful in coitus.
“At one time I would have no erection at all, because the girl made no impression on me; again I would ejaculate prematurely. The first times I was reluctant penem introducere; and, too, even after I was successful in normal coitus, I found no pleasure in it. Sensual satisfaction comes with kissing on the mouth; for me this is the principal thing, coitus serving only as something secondary to embracing. Coitus, no matter how much the woman might charm me, would be an indifferent matter without kissing; indeed, erection disappears, or does not occur at all, when the woman will not kiss on the mouth. Yet, I cannot kiss every woman, but only such as have faces pleasing to me; a prostitute, the sight of whom is repugnant to me, with any amount of kissing, which then only disgusts me, cannot excite me.
“Thus, during the last four years, I have visited brothels about every ten days or two weeks. Only seldom does coitus fail; for I have learned my peculiarities, and in the choice of a prostitute know immediately whether she will excite me or have no effect. Of late, however, it has again happened that I thought the woman would stimulate me, and yet no erection occurred. This happened when, the day before, I had to repress too forcibly the desire for men.