“At first, when I went to brothels, the sensual pleasure was very slight; only a very few times did I have true lustful feeling (as in kissing previously). Now, on the contrary, for the most part I experience sensual pleasure. The lower houses have a particular charm for me; for of late the coarseness of the women, the dark entrance, the yellow light of the lamps, and all the surroundings, have a peculiar charm for me; probably because my sensuality is unconsciously excited by meeting soldiers, who frequent such places, and who at the same time lend a certain charm to the women. If I but find a woman whose face attracts me, I can have intense lustful pleasure. Besides by prostitutes, my desire can be excited by peasant-girls, servant-girls, working-women, and girls of the lower classes,—in general, by those in common dress. Red cheeks, thick lips, and erect forms please me particularly. I am absolutely indifferent to respectable women and young ladies.
“My pollutions are usually without lustful pleasure, and often occur with dreams of men, but very seldom—almost never—with dreams of women. As is shown by the last circumstance, in spite of regular coitus, my desire is still for young men. Indeed, I may say that it has only increased, and that very markedly. Though immediately after coitus the girls have no charm for me, yet the kiss of a pleasing woman could immediately induce erection again. For the first few days after coitus, young men seem the most attractive to me.
“Sexual congress with women does not satisfy all my sensual desire. I have days when I frequently have erections with an intense desire for young men; then come quieter days, with moments of complete indifference for women and latent desire for men. On the other hand, too great sensual rest makes me melancholy; viz., when such rest follows moments of repressed excitement. Only, then, when the thought of beloved youths again causes erection, do I feel light-hearted again. Then the rest changes to intense nervousness; I feel depressed, and sometimes have headache (after repressed erection). This nervousness often increases to ungovernable restlessness, which I then seek to overcome by coitus.
“Last year an essential change took place in my sexual life, when I dared to enjoy male love for the first time. In spite of pleasurable coitus with women (more correctly, pleasurable kissing with resultant ejaculation), my desire for young men gave me no peace. I determined to go to a brothel much frequented by soldiers, and, in extremity, to buy a soldier for myself. I had the good luck to meet immediately one like myself, who, notwithstanding his much lower station, in character and behavior was not unworthy of me. What I experienced (and still experience) with this young man is something different from what I feel with women. The sensual pleasure is not greater than with prostitutes, whose kisses and embraces excite me extraordinarily; but I can experience lustful pleasure with him at any time, and for him I have a feeling that is wanting for women. Unfortunately, I have been able to embrace and kiss him only about eight times.
“Though we have been separated many months, he having been sent to a garrison in Hungary, we have not forgotten each other, and keep up a regular correspondence. In order to possess him, I dared to go to a brothel and there embrace him, being in danger of being betrayed.
“Early in our acquaintance there came a time when I heard nothing more of him; for he did not think he could trust me. During these weeks I endured anxiety and pain that brought me into a state of depression and anxious restlessness, such as I had never before experienced. Scarcely to have found a lover and then to be compelled to lose him, seemed the greatest misfortune to me. When, thanks to my efforts, we met again, my joy was unbounded; indeed, I was so excited that, in his embrace again for the first time, in spite of my sensual lust, I could not induce ejaculation.
“Usus sexualis in osculis et amplexionibus solis constitit, pene meo ludere ei licebat (while the touch on it of a woman’s hand is unendurable to me, and I never allow it). It is also to be noted that, in the company of my lover, I immediately have an erection; the pressure of his hand, or even his look, is sufficient. Evenings, for hours at a time, I have gone about with him, never tiring of his society for a moment, despite his inferior station. With him I feel happy, and the sexual satisfaction is merely the crowning of our love. Although I had finally found the man like myself, whom I had so long sought, and I could at last enjoy male love, yet I have not become insensitive to women; and I visit brothels when I am too sorely troubled by desire. I had hoped to be able to spend this winter in the city where my lover is; but this is, unfortunately, impossible, and I am now forced to be separated from him for an indefinite period. Nevertheless, we shall try to see each other, if only for a short time, and only once or twice a year; at least, I hope that in the future we may again be together for a longer time. Thus, for this winter, I am again compelled to be without a friend like myself. I had, indeed, resolved, on account of the danger of discovery, never to try to find another urning; but this is impossible. Sexual intercourse with women does not satisfy me, and my desire for young men constantly increases. I am often afraid of myself; afraid that, in asking all prostitutes, as I do, whether they know others like me, I might be discovered. Yet I cannot keep from seeking a youth like myself; indeed, I know that in case of necessity I shall buy a soldier, though I know perfectly well the penalty meted out to one caught in such circumstances.
“I can no longer do without male love; without it I should always be out of harmony with myself. My ideal would be to be associated with a number like myself; but I should be satisfied if I could have unrestrained intercourse with one lover. I could easily dispense with women, if I had regular male satisfaction; but I think that at long intervals I should embrace a woman for the sake of variety, as my nature is absolutely hermaphroditic in a psycho-sexual sense (women I can only desire sensually, but I can love and sensually desire young men). If there were marriage between men, I think I should not avoid a life-long union; while marriage with a woman seems to me something impossible. For, in the first place, though the woman charmed me, the charm would soon be lost in regular intercourse, and then all sexual indulgence, if not impossible, would certainly be devoid of pleasure for me; and, in the second place, true love for the wife would be wanting—the attraction that I feel with young men I love, and which makes the intercourse that is not simply sensual seem desirable to me. The constant association with a youth physically pleasing and in mental harmony with me, and who could understand all my feelings and share my intellectual opinions and desires, would, it seems to me, be the greatest happiness.
“The young men who please me must be between eighteen and twenty-eight. As I have grown older, the limit of age in those pleasing to me has increased; otherwise, I am pleased with the most various forms. The principal rôle, if not the exclusive one, is played by the face. Blondes excite me more than dark persons; they must have no beard, but merely a small moustache that is not too thick, or none at all. As for the rest, the only thing I can say is, that certain kinds of faces please me. Faces with large, straight noses are excluded, as are also pale cheeks; but there are exceptions. I regard soldiers with favor, and many please me when in uniform who do not affect me when in civil dress. Just as in women certain ordinary articles of dress (like light-colored jackets) please me, so the military costume attracts me. To go to dance-halls—usually beer-halls—where there are many soldiers, and mix with the crowd of soldiers and boys that please me, and try to get a kiss and embrace,—this mingling with them would, of course, be an excitant only of sensuality; intellectually and socially, everything common in speech and conduct is repugnant to me.
“With young men of higher position, my sensual desire is less prominent.