“What I have said of the attractiveness of certain kinds of dress is not to be understood in the sense that they attract me in themselves. This charm only means that the dress may help to strengthen or make prominent the attraction exerted by the face, when, perhaps, the same face in itself would not attract me to the same extent. I may say the same thing, though with a different meaning, of the odor of lighted cigars. In indifferent persons the odor of cigars is rather repugnant than pleasing to me, but exciting in those sexually attractive. The kiss of a prostitute smelling of cigar-smoke, affords greater pleasure (because, even though in part unconsciously, I am reminded of the kiss of a man). Therefore, I took pleasure in kissing my lover just after he had smoked. (It is to be noted that I myself have never smoked a cigar or cigarette, and have never even tried to smoke.) I am tall and thin; my face is masculine; my eyes are restless; and in my whole form I often have something girlish. My health leaves much to be desired. It is much influenced by my sexual anomaly. As previously mentioned, I am very nervous, and I often have paroxysms of onomatomania. At times, I also have terrible depression and melancholia, when I see the difficulty of gratification corresponding with my male-loving nature; and when I am greatly excited sexually, and have overcome the desire, owing to impossibility of male gratification. In such conditions, often the depression is associated with absolute lack of sexual desire. In work I am industrious, but often too quick; for I am inclined to work too rapidly and violently. I have a lively interest in art and literature. Among poets and writers of fiction, I prefer, for the most part, those who describe refined feelings, peculiar passions, and far-fetched impressions; an artificial or hyper-artificial style pleases me. Likewise in music, it is the nervous, exciting music of a Chopin, a Schumann, a Schubert, or a Wagner, etc., that is in most perfect harmony with me. Everything in art that is not only original, but bizarre, attracts me.
“I do not like physical exercise, and do not practice it.
“In character I am kind and compassionate; and, though I have much to suffer with my anomaly, I am not unhappy because I love young men, but because the satisfaction of such love is considered improper, and because I cannot gratify it without restraint. I cannot regard male love as a vice, though I can well understand why it is considered vicious. But, since this love is regarded as criminal, in gratifying it I am in harmony with myself, but not with our age of the world; and, therefore, I must, necessarily, be somewhat depressed; the more, since I have a frank character that hates a lie. The pain of having always to hide it all in myself has induced me to confess my anomaly to a few friends, of whose silence and appreciation I am confident. Nevertheless, my situation often seems sad. On account of the difficulty of gratification and the general abhorrence of male love, I am often a little proud that I have such anomalous feelings. Of course, I shall never marry. This does not seem any misfortune, even though I love family life, and have thus far lived only with my parents. I live in the hope that later I shall have a lover; I must have one; without one, the future seems dark and barren, and all the ambitions usually cherished—honor, position, etc.—seem empty and unattractive. If I should not have this hope fulfilled, I know I shall be unable to long devote myself to my business with pleasure, and I shall soon be in a condition to sacrifice everything to obtain male love. I no longer have any moral scruples on account of my anomalous inclination; I have, in fact, never been troubled because I felt attracted to boys. I am much more inclined to judge morality and immorality in accordance with my feelings than in accordance with fixed principles; for I have always been given to skepticism, and have never yet studied out a fixed belief for myself. As yet, only what injures others seems to me to be evil and immoral, and that that I would not have inflicted on myself; and, in this direction, I may say that I try to infringe on the rights of others as little as possible, and that I am capable of great indignation at injustice inflicted on another. But, why love of men should be something immoral, I cannot understand; purposeless activity of the sexual instinct (if the immoral is to be seen in all that is useless and unnatural) is also found in intercourse with prostitutes, and even in marriage where means to prevent conception are used; and it seems to me that the sexual intercourse of men must be placed on the same level with all sexual congress that has not procreation as an end. But that only sexual gratification that has this purpose is moral, seems to me to be questionable. Certainly, sexual satisfaction that is not directed to procreation is not contrary to nature; and, whether it has not other purposes unknown to us, is uncertain; and, even if it were purposeless, it would not necessarily be despicable (it is not certain that the measure of a moral act is its usefulness).
“I am very certain that present prejudice will disappear, and that when once such individuals experience male-love, the right of unrestricted love will be acknowledged. For the possibility of such recognition one need but recall the Greeks and their friendships, which were nothing but sexual love; and one has only to think that, despite such unnatural vice, practiced by their greatest men in intellectual and æsthetic matters, the Greeks are still regarded as an unattainable example, and held up for imitation.
“I have already thought of having my anomaly cured by hypnotism. If it were to be of any use, which I doubt, yet I should certainly desire to be assured of a lasting love for women. For even though I cannot satisfy myself with men, yet I prefer to feel this capability of inordinate lust and love, even ungratified, to being absolutely without feeling. Thus I still have the hope that I shall find opportunity to satisfy the love I desire, the love that would make me happy; and I should not prefer the suggestive removal of homo-sexual feelings, without the simultaneous substitution of a hetero-sexual equivalent, to my present condition. Finally, I should like to add, in contrast with the statements of urnings in the published biographies, that I, at least, find it very difficult to recognize those like myself. Though I have described my sexual anomaly somewhat in detail, it seems to me that the following notes are important for a better understanding of my condition:—
“Of late I have given up immissio penis, and confined myself to coitus inter femoræ puellæ. Ejaculation occurs earlier than with conjunctio membrorum, and I experience a certain lustful feeling in the penis itself. If this manner of sexual intercourse is quite pleasant to me, it is, perhaps, in part to be referred to the fact that in this kind of sexual indulgence the sex is quite indifferent, and I am, perhaps, unconsciously reminded of masculine embrace. But this memory is absolutely unconscious, and but obscurely felt; for I am not indebted to my imagination for my pleasure, but it is due immediately to kissing the woman’s mouth. I feel that the charm which the brothel and prostitutes have for me also begins to fade; but I am sure certain women will always be able to excite me by their kisses. Still, no woman is, or ever will be, so attractive as to induce me to overcome obstacles in winning her; but even the danger of discovery and disgrace could only with difficulty restrain me from seeking a man’s embraces.
“Thus I lately allowed myself to be induced to buy a soldier at a prostitute’s house. The lustful pleasure was very great, but the subsequent feeling of satisfaction was especially very exhilarating. The next day I felt similarly strengthened (capable of erection at any moment); and though I have not yet been able to meet the soldier again, the thought that I shall venture to purchase another gives me peace. But I could be perfectly satisfied only in finding one feeling like myself, of my own position and education.
“I have not yet mentioned that the female form (with the exception of the face) and genitals have no attraction for me (to touch the latter with my hand would be disgusting to me); but membrum virile me tangere dum os meum os ejus osculatur, mihi exoptatum esse; indeed, to kiss that of a very pleasing man would not be disgusting to me. Onanism, as has been said, would be quite impossible for me.”
Case 111. Psychical Hermaphroditism.-Hetero-sexual feeling early interfered with by masturbation, but episodically very intense. Homo-sexual feeling ab origine perverse (sexual excitation by men’s boots).
Mr. X., of high social position, Russian, aged 28, came to me in September, 1887, in a despairing mood, to consult me on account of a perversion of his vita sexualis, which made life seem almost unbearable to him, and which had repeatedly brought him near to suicide. The patient comes of a family in which neuroses and psychoses have been of frequent occurrence. In the father’s family there had been consanguineous marriages for three generations. The father is said to have been a healthy man, and to have lived morally in marriage. However, his father’s preference for fine-looking servants seems remarkable to the son. The mother’s family is described as eccentric. The mother’s grandfather and great-grandfather died melancholic; her sister was insane; a daughter of the grandfather’s brother was hysterical, and had nymphomania. Only three of the mother’s twelve brothers and sisters married. Of these, one brother was homo-sexual, and always nervous as a result of excessive masturbation.