“In conclusion, I wish to speak of something that always arouses repugnance in me. We are usually considered diseased, and that is absolutely incorrect. For in every disease there is a means of cure or amelioration; but no power in the world can take from an urning his perverse natural constitution. Even suggestion, which has been used with so much apparent success, cannot induce any enduring change in the mental life of an urning. In us, effect is mistaken for cause. We are considered diseased, because in time the majority of us really become ill. I am almost convinced that two-thirds of us, in later life, when we really live so long, have a mental defect of one kind or another; and this is only too easily explained. For, what strength of will and nerves is required for one to constantly dissimulate, lie, and play the hypocrite all his life! How often in the society of normal men, when the conversation turns to contrary sexual instinct, must one agree with the words of abuse and contempt, while every one of them wounds the heart. On the other hand, there are always the tiresome and indecent jokes and talk about women, etc., that must be heard; and which to-day, in so-called ‘good society,’ are popular—and to show interest and give attention to them! Daily and hourly to see so many handsome men to whom one cannot reveal himself; to be compelled to go without a friend, intercourse with whom we desire so much; and besides, constantly the fearful anxiety of betraying one’s self before the eyes of the world, and then standing covered with ignominy and shame! It is really no wonder that the majority of us are incapable of real work; for we need all our strength of will and power of endurance for the struggle with our own fate. How injurious it is to our nerves constantly to be compelled to shut up all these thoughts and feelings in our hearts; where our lively fancy, feeding on it all, plays all the more intensely, so that we go about with a burning fire within us that only too often threatens to consume us! Happy are those of us that are never denied the strength to lead such a life; but those, too, are happy that have passed beyond it.”
Case 123. Autobiography. “In what follows, you will find the description of the character, as well as the mental and sexual disposition, of an urning,—i.e., of an individual who, in spite of his masculine form, feels as a woman, whose senses women do not excite, and whose sexual desires are constantly directed toward men.
“Convinced that the enigma of our existence can be solved, or, at least, illuminated, only by the unprejudiced thought of scientific men, I describe my life only with the aim of perhaps clearing up this cruel error of Nature, and possibly doing a kindness to people like me to come in later generations; for there will be urnings as long as men are born, just as it is a fact that they have existed in every age. With the progress of science in our epoch, men will see in me and those like me not objects of hatred, but objects of pity, which deserve not the odium, but the compassion, of their more fortunate brothers. I shall be as brief as possible in my communication, and also objective; and, with reference to my caustic, often cynical, style, I may note that, above all, I shall be honest, and, therefore, not avoid strong expressions; for they are most happily suited to the subject in hand.
“I am in my thirty-fifth year; a merchant, with a fair income; somewhat above average height, slim, weak of muscle, with full beard, and quite ordinary face, and, at first sight, in nowise different from ordinary men. On the other hand, my gait is feminine, and particularly mincing in fast walking; the movements are awkward and displeasing, indicative of a want of manly feeling. The voice is neither feminine nor shrill, but rather a baritone.
“This is my external appearance.
“I do not smoke or drink, and can neither whistle, ride, do gymnastic feats, fence, nor shoot. I have absolutely no interest in horses or dogs, and have never had a gun or sword in my hand. In inner feeling and sexual desire, I am completely a woman. Without thorough education,—I passed through but few classes in the Gymnasium,—I am yet intelligent, like to read well-written, improving books, and have good judgment; but I allow myself to be carried away by the feelings of the moment, and I am easily influenced by any one who knows my weakness and how to make use of it. Constantly making resolves, I have never the energy to carry them out; like a woman, I am moody and nervous, often irritated without reason, and sometimes mean. Toward persons that do not please me, I am arrogant, unjust, and often shamefully insulting.
“In all my conduct I am superficial, and often frivolous, and I have no deep moral feeling. I have little consideration for parents and brothers and sisters. I am not egotistic, but, on occasion, self-sacrificing. I cannot withstand tears, and can—like a woman—be won by amiability and entreaty.
“In my earliest years I avoided playing soldier, gymnastics, or the rough games of my manly comrades, and ran about with little girls, with whom I was much more in sympathy than with boys. I was retiring, bashful, and often blushing. When no more than twelve or thirteen years old, the close-fitting uniform of a handsome soldier gave me the most peculiar feeling; and while, during the next few years, my comrades were always talking about girls, and even engaged in love-affairs, I could, for hours at a time, run after a well-built man with well-rounded hips, and feast my eyes on the sight.
“Without thinking much of these impressions, so different from the feelings of my comrades, I began to masturbate, always during the act thinking of a heroic, handsome form; and this continued until my seventeenth year, when I learned from a companion constituted like myself a true explanation of my condition. Since that time I have been with girls eight or ten times; but, in order to have an erection, it was always necessary to think of a handsome man of my acquaintance. And I am thoroughly convinced that to-day, even with the help of imagination, I should be unable to have intercourse with a girl.
“Shortly after my discovery I preferred to associate with mature, powerful urnings; for at this time I had neither mind nor opportunity to associate with real men. Since this my taste has changed entirely, and men, real men, of twenty-five or thirty-five years, with supple, powerful forms, are the only ones that ravish my senses, and charm me as if I were a woman. Circumstances have allowed me, during these years, to make about a dozen male acquaintances that would serve my purpose for a gulden or two a visit. If I am alone in a room with a handsome youth, my greatest pleasure is membrum ejus vel maxime si magnum atque crassum est, manibus capere et apprehendere et premere, turgentes nates femoraque tangere atque totum corpus manibus contrectare et, si conceditur, os faciem atque totum corpus, immovero nates, ardentibus osculis obtegere. Quodsi membrum magnum purumque est, dominusque ejus mihi placet, ardente libidine mentulam ejus in os meum receptam complures horas sugere possum, neque autem delector, si semen in os meum ejaculatur, cum maxima eorum qui “urnings” nominantur pars hac re non modo delectatur, sed etiam semen nonnunquam devorat.