“The most intense delight, however, is experienced when I find a real man, qui membrum meum in os recepit et erectionem in ore suo concedit.
“Improbable as it sounds, I am yet able to find some coarse fellows who will allow themselves to be used for this purpose. They learn the thing while in military service, for urnings know that under such circumstances they can be made to do the most for money; and when the fellows are once trained, circumstances often compel them, in spite of their passion for the opposite sex, to continue the practice.
“With certain exceptions, urnings make no impression on me, because everything feminine is repugnant to me. At the same time, there are some that know how to give me the most intense pleasure, just as a real man can; and I prefer to consort with them, for the reason that sometimes they return my passionate caresses. In tête-à-tête with such a person, I throw all check from my excited senses, and give my animal passions free rein, osculor, premo, amplector eum, linguam meam in os ejus immitto; ore cupiditate tremente ejus labrum superius sugo, faciem meam ad ejus nates adpono et odore voluptari e natibus emanente voluptate obstupescor. Real men, in close-fitting uniform, make the deepest impression on me; and if I have an opportunity to embrace and kiss such a ravishing fellow, ejaculation takes place at once,—a weakness which I attribute to my frequent masturbation. In my earlier years I practiced it very frequently, almost every time I saw a man pleasing to me, whose image I kept before my eye during the act. For this my taste is in nowise difficult to please—like that a servant-girl might have in finding her ideal in a dragoon guard. A handsome face is a pleasant supplement, inflaming my sensual desire, but in no respect an essential. The requisite remains: vir inferiore corporis parte robusta et bene formosa, turgidis femoribus durisque natibus, while the upper portion of the body may be slim. Corpulence disgusts me. A sensual mouth with pretty teeth affects me more intensely; and if the person has also a membrum pulchrum magnum et æqualiter formatum, all my demands—the most far-reaching—are fulfilled.
“When I was younger, with men that pleased me and excited my passions intensely, ejaculation took place from five to eight times in a night, and now it occurs from four to six times; for I am unusually strong sensually, and, as an example, even the clinking of a hussar’s sword may excite me. At the same time, I have a very lively fancy, and spend most of my leisure hours thinking of handsome men with strong limbs; and I would be delighted to look on when a powerful fellow, using force, magna mentula præditus me præsente puellam futuat; mihi persuasum est, fore ut hoc aspectu sensus mei vehementissima perturbatione afficiantur et dum futuit corpus adolescentis pulchri tangam et, si liceat, ascendam in eum dum cum puella concumbit atque idem cum eo faciam et membrum meum in ejus anum immittam. The accomplishment of these cynical ideas—with which my mind is often filled—is hindered only by my limited means; otherwise, I should long ago have had the reality.
“Soldiers have the greatest charm for me, but I have also a weakness for butchers, fakirs, drivers, circus-riders, and boat-captains; and all these must be supple and powerfully built. Urnings I hate in intimate relation, and for the majority of them I have an inexplicable and unjust aversion. I have never had but one urning for an intimate friend. On the other hand, the most affectionate and enduring ties bind me to men of my own age, in whose company I delight, but with whom I have no sexual relations, and who have no idea of my condition.
“Talk on politics and economics, like every other earnest subject, I hate; though I gossip with considerable sense and peculiar pleasure about the theatre. At operas I see myself on the stage, feel myself applauded by the public, and would prefer to sing as a passive heroine, or in the dramatic rôle of a woman.
“The most interesting subject of conversation for me, and those like me, is, however, always—men; for us this is inexhaustible. Their secret charms are described in the most minute details, mentulæ æstimantur, quanta sint magnitudine, quanta, crassitudine; de forma earum atque rigiditate conferimus, alter ab altero cognoscit cujus semen celerius, cujus tardius ejaculetur. I may add that, of my four brothers, one gave himself to the service of urnings, without himself being one; and all four are ladies’ men, and indulge in sexual excesses. The genitals of the men of our family are, without exception, unusually developed.
“In conclusion, I repeat the words with which I began these lines. I could not choose my expressions, because my object in the foregoing has been to afford material for the study of the urning’s existence, and absolute truth was essential. I beg the numerous cynics to keep this circumstance in mind.”
In October, 1890, the writer of the foregoing lines presented himself to me. In all essentials his appearance corresponded with his description. Genitals large, with abundant growth of hair. His parents had been well nervously. One brother had shot himself on account of nervous trouble; three others were intensely nervous. The patient came to me in a state of despair. He could not endure such a life any longer; for he had been admonished about intercourse with men that could be bought; and with his extreme sensual nature he was unable to abstain. Too, he could not understand how he could be made to love women, and enjoy the nobler joys of life. He had had love for men since his thirteenth year.
He felt in all respects like a woman, and longed to be won by men that were not urnings. When he was with an urning, it was just as if two girls were together. He would prefer being sexless to living longer as he was. Would not castration help him?