“I do not think that my father had contrary sexual feelings. Without knowing him as my father, I often saw him when I was a child. He was a powerful, masculine man. As for the rest, it is said that, at the time of my birth, or before, he was sexually ill.
“I have often seen my mother on the street, but I did not then know that she was my mother. At the time of my birth she may have been about twenty-four years old. She was tall, and quick and energetic of movement, and her character was decided. At the time of my birth she is reported to have gone about much in male attire, to have worn short hair, to have smoked a long pipe, and in general to have been remarkable for her eccentric character. She was exceedingly well educated, and is said to have been beautiful in her youth. She left a fortune,—considerable even when measured by our present ideas,—but she died unmarried.
“In any case, all this would point to homo-sexual inclinations, or, at least, to abnormalities. On the other hand, several years before my birth, my mother took care of a little girl. This step-sister, whom I never knew, married young, but early in her married life, for reasons unknown to me, she poisoned herself.
“I am 1.7 metres tall, measure 92 centimetres around the waist, and 102 centimetres around hips, and, therefore, I think my pelvis is somewhat over-developed. The subcutaneous fat has always been abundant. Skeletal form is strong. The muscular system is well formed, but, from lack of exercise, perhaps owing to the influence of early, long-continued, and frequent indulgence in onanism, it is not well developed; so that I appear stronger than I really am. Hair of head and face is normal; genital hair, somewhat thin. The upper portion of the body is as good as without hair. In all other ways my appearance is fully masculine. Gait, attitude, and voice are those of a fully developed man, and other urnings have often told me that they would never have suspected my passion. I served in the army, and always found pleasure in all knightly exercises,—riding, fencing, swimming, etc.
“My early training was under a priest. I had but few real playmates. The family life of my foster-parents was faultless. In October, 1861, I entered the Institute. Here I indulged in my first perverse acts, which I shall describe more fully when I come to the development of my sexual life.
“I finished the Gymnasium, served my voluntary years in the army, and then studied forestry, being now a director of estates. During my early years my mental development was very slow. I first learned to speak in my third year, and thus the supposition that I had hydrocephalus was strengthened. From the time of beginning school, my mental development was abnormal; indeed, I learned easily, but I have never been able to concentrate my activity on any particular subject. I have a great interest in art and æsthetics, but almost none in music. In early years my character was the worst possible. Without being able to give any reason for it, during the last twelve years there has been an entire transformation. Now, there is nothing I hate more than a lie, and I never speak untruth even in jest. In financial matters, without being avaricious, I have become an economical manager.
“It is enough that, with a deep feeling of shame, I look back on my past; and, if I could be freed from my unhappy sexual perversion, or perversity, I should justly regard myself as a true gentleman. I am kind, and always ready to be charitable to the extent of my means; I am gay-spirited, and regarded with favor socially. I have no trace of that nervous irritability which is so often noticeable in others like me. Too, I am not wanting in personal courage. There is nothing in the early period of my development that points to abnormality. To be sure, as a child, I liked to lie in bed on my abdomen, and, of a morning, I often took delight in rolling about on my abdomen, much to the amusement of my foster-parents; but I cannot recall that, at such times, I ever had sensual feeling. I never sought much to play with girls, and I never played with dolls. I early heard talk about sexual matters; but I never thought anything about it. In my dreams, too, at that time, there was nothing sexual; and, in my association with boys of my own age, there was nothing of that kind. I think I may say that my vita sexualis was really first awakened after I had been seduced into mutual masturbation, in my thirteenth year, by a room-mate at the Institute. At that time ejaculation did not take place, but first about a year later. Nevertheless, I gave myself up to the vice of onanism passionately. At this time, however, the first signs of homo-sexual inclination were manifested. Youthful, powerful men, market-helpers, workmen, and soldiers took possession of my dreams, and played an important rôle in my fancy while masturbating. At this time was also first shown the tendency to pederasty, especially passive. Up to my fourteenth year I frequently made mutual attempts at pederasty with my seducer, but neither of us were successful in bringing about immissio. At the same time, there was also a weak inclination for the female sex. About a year after the first indulgence in onanism, I was once with a puella publica, but I had neither ejaculation nor any especial feeling of sensual pleasure. Thereafter, and up to my nineteenth year, I performed coitus in public houses about six times. Erection and ejaculation occurred promptly, but without marked sensual pleasure. At least onanism, particularly mutual onanism, I liked quite as much. I have never had any love for athletes. About ten years ago, while at H., a watering-place, I thought I was in love with a beautiful lady of a highly respectable family; I was happy in her presence, and thought myself happy in finding my love returned. For a time this affair kept me from masturbating; I was only afraid that, weakened by onanism that had been practiced for years, I should be incapable of performing my marital duty. When we became widely separated, my feeling quickly cooled; I found that I had deceived myself; and, after about two years, without jealousy, I was able to hear that the lady had married. My inclination for women—if, in reality, I have ever had any—grew colder and colder. Two and a half years ago, when I visited a public house with very virile friends, I last performed coitus. There was erection, but no ejaculation. Women have become indifferent to me. A prostitute who acts coarsely excites my repugnance. With intellectual women, particularly when they are elderly, I like to converse, but in their society I am often unskillful and awkward, often devoid of tact. I have never been able to find any charm in woman’s physical form.
“But, to return to the perverse inclinations. When, at the age of fourteen, I went to H., I lost sight of my lover and seducer. He was some years older than I, and was an official; and, in this capacity, when I was nineteen, I again met him once on the railway. We immediately cut the journey short, and lodged together, attempting mutual pederasty; but, on account of pain, immissio was not successful. We amused ourselves in mutual onanism. In H. I had sexual intercourse with two fellow-students, but this intercourse was confined to frequent mutual onanism, owing to the fact that they were not inclined to pederasty. During the last year of my stay (when I was nineteen), I had intercourse with another person, which likewise consisted of onanism; but our intercourse was more intimate, and we always retired, and practiced mutual onanism in bed. From Easter, 1869, until July, 1870, I had no lover. I practiced onanism alone. When the war broke out, I offered myself as a volunteer, but was not accepted. At the same time a former school-mate offered himself. He had developed into a remarkably handsome man. I had to spend one night with him in an over-crowded hotel. Though as students we had never associated sexually, he was not averse to my desire, and attempted pederasty. In this instance pain prevented success; but, in the attempt, ejaculatio ante anum meum occurred. Even now I can recall the pleasurable feeling I had in it,—a feeling previously unknown. After the war I frequently met this friend, but our intercourse was later limited to onanism. During the following eighteen years I had but two opportunities for homo-sexual intercourse. The first was in the winter of 1879, on the occasion of meeting a handsome hussar in a railway carriage. I induced him to sleep with me at an hotel. Later he confessed to me that he had previously practiced mutual masturbation with the son of a landed proprietor of his town. I could not bring him to pederasty. On the other hand, I induced ejaculation in him by receptio penis ejus in os meum. This caused me no satisfaction, but rather disgust. I have never tried it again; and, too, I have never allowed receptio penis mei in os alterius. In 1887, likewise on the railway, I made the acquaintance of a sailor, and induced him to stay with me at an hotel. He said he had never practiced pederasty, but he was ready for it. He was apparently sensually excited; he had an erection immediately, and performed the act with evident passion. It was the first time that pederasty was successfully performed. I had terrible pain, but also indescribable pleasure.
“With my sojourn here, my vita sexualis has undergone a complete change. I have learned how easy it is to find persons who, partly for money and partly from desire, yield to our inclinations. I have also not been spared annoying experiences with cheats. Until the end of the last year (since then, owing to fear of venereal infection, I have not gone beyond mutual masturbation), I enjoyed male-love to the full extent, particularly in passive pederasty. I have never practiced active pederasty, because I have found no one able to endure the pain.
“Generally, I seek my lovers among cavalrymen and sailors, and, eventually, among workmen, especially butchers and smiths. Robust forms, with healthy facial complexions, attract me especially. Leathern riding-trousers have a particular charm for me. I have no partiality for kissing and the like. I also love large, hard, and calloused hands.