“I do not wish to leave unmentioned that, under certain circumstances, I have great control of myself.
“As director of an estate, I lived in a large house. My personal servant was a very handsome young man who had served in the hussars. After once having spoken with him, in general terms, on the subject, and found that he could not be approached, for years I lived in close intimacy with him, and enjoyed his beauty, but never touched him. I think that, to this day, he knows nothing of my passion. Likewise, two and a half years ago, in C., I made the acquaintance of a sailor, who is still regarded by me and my acquaintances as one of the handsomest men we know. After an absence of more than two years, on invitation, he visited me a few weeks ago. I knew how to arrange matters so that we slept in the same room, and I burned with desire to be nearer to him. As a preliminary, however, I sounded him in confidential talk; and, when I found that he despised everything connected with male-love, I had not the heart to approach him more closely. For weeks we slept in the same room, and I took constant delight in his divine form (at first, was sexually excited, in fact); I bathed with him, in the Roman manner, in order to see his beautiful form naked,—but he never learned anything of my passion. I still have an ideal, platonic relation with this young man, who, for one of his position, has an unusual education and fine talent for poetry.
“Until my thirty-eighth year I had not a clear understanding of my condition. I always thought that, by early and frequent masturbation, I had become averse to women, and hoped always that, when the right woman came, I should be able to abandon onanism and find pleasure in her. Here it was that I first came to fully understand my condition, after making the acquaintance of others suffering and feeling like myself. At first I was frightened; later I came to look upon my fate as something not dependent on myself. Too, I made no further effort to resist temptation.
“Two or three weeks ago ‘Psychopathia Sexualis’ fell into my hands. The work has made an unexpectedly deep impression on me. At first I read the work with an interest that was undoubtedly lascivious. The description of the cultivation of mujerados, for example, excited me uncommonly. The thought of a young, powerful man being emasculated in this manner, in order, later, to be used for pederasty by a whole tribe of wild, powerful, and sensual Indians, so excited me that I masturbated five times during the next two days, fancying myself such a presumptive mujerado. The farther I read in the book, however, the more I saw its moral earnestness; the more I felt disgust with my condition; and the more I saw that I must do everything, if it were possible, to bring about a change in my condition. When I had finished the book, I was determined to seek assistance from its author.
“The reading of this work had an undoubted effect. Since then I have masturbated only twice, and have practiced onanism with cavalrymen only twice. In every instance I have had really less pleasure and satisfaction than before, and I always have the feeling: ‘Ah, if I could only be free from it!’ Nevertheless, I confess that, even now, in the society of handsome soldiers, I immediately have erection.
“In conclusion, I may add that, in spite of, or, perhaps, on account of, onanism, I have never had pollutions. The ejaculation of semen, which usually consists of only a few drops, and it has always been so, takes place only after prolonged friction. If, for any reason, I have not masturbated for a long time, the ejaculation takes place quickly, and is more abundant. About twelve years ago Hansen tried in vain to hypnotize me.”
In the spring of 1891 the writer of the foregoing autobiography visited me, with the declaration that he could live no longer in his condition; that he looked to hypnotic treatment as the only hope of salvation, for he had not strength enough to resist his impulse to masturbation and satisfaction with persons of his own sex. He felt like a pariah; like an unnatural man; like one outside the laws of nature and society, and in danger of criminal prosecution. He felt moral repugnance when he performed the act with a man, but yet the sight of any handsome soldier actually electrified him. For years he had not had the slightest sympathy with women, not even mentally.
The patient looked to be exactly the person, physically and mentally, described by himself in his autobiography. His head was exquisitely hydrocephalic, and also plagiocephalic. At first attempts at hypnosis met with difficulties. Only by Braid’s method, with the help of a little chloroform, was deep lethargy attained at the third sitting. From that time simply looking at a shining object was sufficient. The suggestions consisted of the command to avoid masturbation, the removal of homo-sexual feelings, and the assurance that the patient would have inclination for women and be virile, and have pleasure only in hetero-sexual intercourse. Masturbation was indulged in but once; after the eighth sitting the patient dreamed of a woman.
When, after the fourteenth sitting, the patient had to return, on account of pressing business, he declared that he was quite free from any inclination to masturbate or to indulge in male-love, but that he was by no means absolutely free from his partiality for men. He felt a returning interest in the female sex, and hoped to be freed finally from his unhappy condition by continuance of the treatment.
Case 138. Psychical Hermaphroditism.—Mr. von P., aged 25, single, comes of a neuropathic family. As a child he had convulsions. He recovered, but remained weak, emotional, and irritable. No severe illnesses. Before his tenth year sexuality was manifested. His earliest remembrance concerning it was that of lascivious feelings in company with the servants of the house. When older, he had sensual dreams which were of intercourse with men. In circuses the male performers alone interested him.