Now the thing is changed. I say to myself: What! you busy your mind with things which not only the æsthetic sense of others, but also your own, disapproves? You regard that as beautiful and desirable which, in your own judgment, is at once ugly, coarse, silly, and impossible? You long for a situation which in reality you can never obtain? This opposing idea has an immediate inhibitory and undeceiving effect, and takes the edge off the fancy. Too, since reading the “New Investigations” (early this year), I have actually not reveled in my fancy once, though the masochistic tendency has occurred with regularity.
I must also confess that, in spite of its marked pathological character, masochism is not only incapable of destroying my pleasure in life, but it does not in the least affect my outward life. When not in a masochistic state, as far as feeling and action are concerned, I am a perfectly normal man. During the activity of the masochistic tendencies there is, of course, a great revolution in my feeling, but my outward manner of life suffers no change; I have a calling that makes it necessary for me to move much in public, and I pursue it in the masochistic condition as well as ever.
The author of the foregoing lines also sends me the following notes:—
1. Masochism, according to my experience, is, under all circumstances, congenital, and never acquired by the individual. I know positively that I was never spanked; that my masochistic ideas were manifested from my earliest youth; and that, as long as I have been capable of thinking, I have had such thoughts. If the origin of them had been the result of a particular event, especially of a beating, I should certainly not have forgotten it. It is characteristic that the ideas were present before there was any libido. At that time the ideas were absolutely sexless. I remember that, when a boy, it affected (not to say excited) me intensely when an older boy addressed me in the second person (Du), while I spoke to him in the third (Sie). I would keep up a conversation with him, and have the exchange of address take place as often as possible. Later, when I had become more mature sexually, such things affected me only when they occurred with a married woman, and one relatively old.
2. Physically and mentally I am in all respects masculine. I have a superabundant growth of beard, and my whole body is very hairy. In my relations to the female sex that are not masochistic, the dominating position of the man is an indispensable condition, and any attempt to change it would meet with my energetic opposition. I am energetic, if not over-courageous; but the want of courage is not manifest when my pride is injured. I am not sensitive to events in nature (thunder-storms, storms at sea, etc.).[[63]]
Too, my masochistic tendencies have nothing feminine or effeminate about them (?). To be sure, in these the inclination to be sought and desired by the woman is dominant; but the general relation desired with her is not that in which a woman stands to a man, but that of the slave to the master, the domestic animal to its owner. If one regards the ultimate aim of masochism without prejudice, it must be acknowledged that its ideal is the position of a dog or horse. Both are owned by masters, and punished by them; and the masters are responsible to no one. Just this unlimited power of life and death, as exercised over slaves and domestic animals, is the end and aim of all masochistic ideas.
3. The foundation of all masochistic ideas is libido; and as this ebbs and flows, so do the masochistic fancies. On the other hand, as soon as the ideas are present, they greatly intensify the libido. I am by no means excessively sensual naturally. However, when the masochistic ideas occur, I am impelled to coitus at any cost (for the most part I am driven to the lowest women); and if these impulses are not soon obeyed, libido soon becomes almost satyriasis. One is almost justified in looking upon this as a circulus vitiosus.
Libido occurs either in the course of time, or as the result of especial excitement (also of a kind that is not masochistic,—e.g., kissing). In spite of its manner of origin, this libido, by virtue of the masochistic ideas it engenders, is soon transformed into a masochistic and impure libido.
Moreover, there is no doubt that external, accidental impressions, particularly loitering in the streets of a large city, greatly intensify the desire. The sight of beautiful and imposing female forms, in nature as well as in art, is exciting. For those subject to masochism,—at least during the attacks,—the whole external world becomes masochistic. The box on the ear administered by the teacher to the pupil and the crack of the driver’s whip make deep impressions on the masochist, while they leave him indifferent or annoy him when he is not in the masochistic state.
4. An example of masochistic ideas follows: “She” is a peasant woman,—a rough, tall, large-boned woman of forty or fifty years. She is the possessor of a small, remote farm, which she works with the help of her slave alone. The work begins before sunrise. At four o’clock in the morning she opens the shed where she has kept me shut up over night, and wakens me, as I lie on the ground, with a kick; then she leads me out and harnesses me to a milk-cart bound for town. She leads me by a halter, and urges me along. On the road she gets on the heavily-loaded wagon, and sleeps until the destination is reached. There, in the open market-place of the town, still harnessed to the wagon, I lie down on the bare ground to rest. Those passing knock against me or step on me, without giving me any attention. After the stock is sold, we start homeward. After a short rest the work begins again, always under the direction of the mistress, who holds me by the halter and urges me on. At seven or eight o’clock at night I am put up to rest, and sleep until the next morning, when the same thing begins again. Work and blows, blows and work; no pleasure, no recreation, day in and day out!