‘Please bludgeon that Imperialist,’ commanded the president.
Ginger was gagged. The case was proceeded with.
‘Corporal Billy Greens, No. 1 Company of the—th Cadet Battalion, you are charged with (1) Giddiness on leave; (2) Appearing in public with a formidable female; (3) Holding her hand in a tram-car; (4) Acting the goat in a taxi-cab.’
‘Do you plead guilty or not guilty?’
‘Not guilty.’
‘Evidence, please,’ ordered the president.
Beefy stepped forward with a ponderous-looking document like the Magna Carta. It was really one of Harrods’ voluminous catalogues. Opening it up, he commenced: ‘Sir, the accused, who is a gentleman in holy orders, but meantime a soldier, has hitherto borne an excellent character. But we have received reports from the Platoon Secret Service men stating that on his last leave he has been “going it.” Apparently he went to a small town near London, and commenced to pay attention to a lady of blameless character, but of formidable appearance, and inclined to be frisky and sentimental when receiving the attention of man.’
‘Keep to the point, Mr Jones. Please deal with the first charge,’ remarked the president.
‘I’m just coming to that, sir,’ replied Beefy, turning over Harrods’ catalogue. ‘The first charge is “Giddiness.” Our agents state the accused was wearing a field-marshal’s trousers—an offence punishable by death, according to the Manual of Military Law. He also wore bright-yellow shoes and white socks, ornamented with yellow flowers, which I contend betrays a somewhat frivolous mind. Above the neck of his tunic appeared a white india-rubber collar, and sticking out from under his tunic-sleeves were white cuffs, ornamented with a balance-sheet of his holiday expenses. He also carried an enormous Malacca cane studded with brass knobs, of the type used by lion-tamers and wealthy Jews. In fact, his whole appearance was that of the Bank ‘Oliday kind. Instead of looking like a harmless and shuffling cadet, he really resembled Ole Bill on the burst. So startling was his appearance that a terrier-dog fell off a tram-car, and an ancient cab-horse jumped into an egg-merchant’s window. To save further calamity, the local police had to hide him in a furniture-van and remove him to his lodgings.
‘The second charge is, “Appearing in public with a formidable female.” The lady in question is of uncertain age, but of great stature—six feet high, three feet broad, and built in proportion.’