‘Weight and style, I presume,’ said the president.
‘Yes, sir. I also understand she is the commandant of a V.A.D. Hospital. Prior to the war she was a suffragette who achieved fame by burning down the local bishop’s bathroom.’
‘Has the bishop used Pears’ since that event?’ inquired a member.
‘No, sir. I understand he uses the wash-house.—But to resume. When she appeared in public with the accused (she being of massive mould, and he being of bantam measurements), the contrast was striking. In fact, the difference in height was so great that it is stated she carried a small portable telephone to carry on the conversation. He called her “Gertie,” and she called him “Pickles.” While attempting to enter a very narrow gate in the public park, the lady got wedged, and it is alleged she shouted, “Push me—push me, Pickles.” The accused nobly responded, and relieved the lady from an embarrassing position.’
‘Was the gate damaged?’ asked the president.
‘Slightly bent, sir.—Now for the third charge. The lady, who has been trying to “get off” for quite a number of years, was apparently so bucked with her capture that she aired him on every public occasion. They were always riding in tram-cars. On one occasion a local alderman, who has a reputation for “picking up” unattached females, entered the car they were travelling in. The lady, apparently nervous about getting the glad eye from this civic Lothario, muttered, “Hold my hand, Pickles—hold my hand.” Like a brave man, he did so. In this simple and trusting manner they completed their journey, to the amusement of all.
‘The final charge is, “Acting the goat in a taxi-cab.” Apparently the dear old girl had been overhearing some of the younger V.A.D.’s, her colleagues, relating thrilling experiences of taxi-cabs. She decided to try the experiment, and Pickles drew a pound note from the Penny Savings Bank for that purpose. To avoid observation, they ordered the taxi to meet them in a quiet thoroughfare. But a local press photographer witnessed the amusing struggle of the lady to get inside.
‘“Pickles!” she shouted.
‘“Yes, dear,” he replied.
‘“The door is too small. Push me.”