‘Pickles pushed again, and the lady fell inside. At that moment the camera clicked. Here is the photo, sir;’ and Beefy handed over a charcoal drawing of Billy heaving an enormous lady into a vehicle.
Loud laughter in court.
‘The taxi-man then received secret instructions from the accused to drive ten times round the park—DEAD SLOW. During this performance several of the local special constables saw the lady with the accused in her arms. At intervals they kissed each other. When they alighted from the cab, our Secret Service men discovered a hair-switch and an upper set of false teeth among the cushions. This, sir, is, I think, complete evidence of frivolous conduct.’
‘I see! I see!’ muttered the president, tugging his false moustache. ‘Now, Mr Jones, have you any evidence as to how the accused met this lady? Was he introduced, or was it what we in the army term a “pick-up”?’
‘So far as I know, they were properly introduced. Some years ago, when the accused was a student, he saw the lady bathing in a crimson dress with lace-curtain frillings. He secured an intro. by the aid of a member of a local Dorcas Society.’
‘What about his character?’
‘Hitherto most respectable; but I imagine his association with my friends Messrs. Ginger Thomson and John Brown has, unfortunately, caused him to fall from grace. That’s all, sir,’ concluded Beefy.
‘What have you got to say, my man?’ said Nobby, with the air of a Lord Chief-Justice.
‘Nothing! My dear old Pieface, this is a serious business. You go on leave; you wear a field-marshal’s trousers, a padre’s white shirt, shop-assistant’s yellow shoes, and you carry a ship-pole for a walking-stick. You cause an innocent dog to fall off a tram-car, and a hitherto respectable horse to jump into an egg-merchant’s window, and yet you say, “Nothing.” Worse; you try to outdo Charlie Chaplin in a tram-car, and Ole Bill in a taxi. This from a future officer, an ordained padre, and a Tory gentleman will not do. It is preposterous! You must be shot! Must be shot!’ roared Nobby with dramatic fervour, which reminded us of the old com. on the bench.