"Why not, indeed, sir?" answered the publicans. "A man in moderation can take a good quantity of liquor and not hurt himself, and yet benefit the trade and his country. We set our face against your habitual drunkard. He is our enemy, because he gives in too soon. It is the steady drinker; the man who is always at it, and yet who never gets himself into difficulties, that is our friend."
To lose millions a year. This was indeed a serious affair, and the Buccaneer feared that those muddling water drinkers would do him considerable harm. But there was a bright spot looming in the distance, for had not his trusty Captain Dogvane told him that there was a heathen nation with an immense population to be civilised? Of course it was against his religious principles that he should place drunkenness within easy reach of this people; but then, if at the same time he gave them his Book, and rescued them from the devil, that would be a fair exchange, and in all things human, there must be shortcomings; things that one would willingly prevent if one could, but we cannot expect perfection in this world, and we must therefore have recourse to that most useful and necessary custom of winking at things we cannot help. It is much to be regretted, that the heathen with civilisation will take to strong liquors, as naturally apparently as a duck takes to water. But he does, so there is an end of it. The Buccaneer now eased his conscience by being extremely severe upon his publicans whom he read a sharp lecture. He treated them in a most haughty manner, said they were a demoralizing agency; a blot, a blemish, and a disgrace; but still he took their money. He told them they had better take care of themselves.
The publicans said that was the very thing of all others they would try to do; but they added that the officers of the Buccaneer's Revenue were so precious sharp, and were so much against them, and were down upon them with such heavy penalties if they attempted to help their friends the teetotallers, by watering their ales, and other strong drinks, that virtue had no chance to be over-virtuous. They declared that the licentious Revenue officers hovered over them like a lot of hungry vultures; and with their meddlesome ways were doing an infinity of mischief.
The publicans were a mighty power in the Buccaneer's kingdom, and it is to his credit that he rebuked them even as he did. He read them a lecture, and having in his mind's eye the banner of the teetotallers he pointed out to the delinquents the frightful consequences of drink. The publicans were quite equal to the occasion, they said that there were two sides to every question, and that the devil himself was not half as black as he was painted. To this the Lords Spiritual took exception, and they rose in a body and entered their protest against such a blasphemous assertion. Of course this weighty matter could not be argued out at such a time, or in such a place; but it was taken up on board the old Church Hulk, and received there all the attention it deserved, and no doubt it was the means of adding still more to the Buccaneer's numerous sects.
Some were inclined to subject the devil to the fashionable process known as white-washing. As every eminent blackguard in ancient, and up to a certain time even in modern history, has undergone this treatment, there is no reason why his satanic majesty should be left out in the cold. It seems hard that the blackguard Judas should not have been favoured, but perhaps some champion will yet arise to take up his cause. Does not the Christian world owe him something? Would it have been saved from the torments of hell, if Judas had not played the betrayer's part? The publicans said there was a good deal of prejudice about drink. That party feeling here, as elsewhere, ran extremely high, engendering very much animosity, and thus a good deal of obloquy and unjust reproach was heaped upon the head of the poor drunkard. They begged that the subject might be approached in no mean or narrow spirit. They maintained that the drunkard, if only a steady going drunkard, and a man of regular habits, was a public benefactor. One who did his best through the means of indirect taxation to swell the revenues of the State, and as a vast number of the Buccaneer's people paid no direct taxes, the only way they helped to keep up the dignity, the honour, the welfare, and the safety of the empire was by getting as drunk as they could, as often as they could. Indeed, looking at it from their point of view, the greater the drunkard, the greater the benefactor he was to the community; he being a man who sacrificed himself, and frequently his family, for the sake of his country, as every good citizen should. If he broke down occasionally under the burden of indirect taxation, he was an object more of pity than of contempt. And if he beat his wife, and starved his children, what then? The individual must at all times be sacrificed for the sake of the general public. So eloquent were the publicans, and there was so much force in what they said, that the Buccaneer began to waver. The publicans seeing the good impression they had made, continued on in the same direction, and pointed out that if the teetotallers set up the pump and pulled down the pot-house, that not only would the great Buccaneer lose his revenue, but that his people would assuredly become gourmands, for that there never was a total abstainer who was not a large if not a coarse feeder, and of the two, a drunkard, they declared, bad as he was, was infinitely to be preferred to a glutton.
The case was undoubtedly a serious one. Not one amongst the grand company—not even Dogvane himself—would dare to give an opinion directly against the publicans, such was their power in the island. The Buccaneer was obliged to admit that the drunkard was a despicable rascal, and the cause of very great misery; but then the public-houses brought in such a very large revenue.
There appeared to be only one way out of the difficulty and that was to have recourse to a Royal Commission. This institution which has before been mentioned, requires to be explained, for it was extremely useful to the Buccaneer and got him out of many difficulties. It was a wonderful institution and had many and various virtues. It was supposed to contain a cure for every evil under the sun and to possess wonderful powers of finding out ills and their several remedies; and it was supposed to have a microscopic eye, and a bright intelligence, that shed a light into the darkest holes and corners. At least, it was supposed to do all this. It was a mysterious institution, having, indeed, some of the attributes of the Inquisition. There was one thing about it that was evident to all. It was extremely slow in its working, and perhaps in this lay no little of its virtue, for anything that it took under its consideration faded away from public view long before any conclusion was arrived at, and thus it may be said that it squeezed all the life out of whatever it sat upon, and then buried its victim in some official pigeon-hole, or other tomb belonging to oblivion.
What the publicans had said brought forward the butchers; but Billy Cheeks had nothing to do with these. They declared they were doing scarcely any business. They said that however true it might be, as a general rule, about water-drinkers being large eaters, they saw no signs of total abstinence in this respect amongst the people. They added that what with foreign competition and the growing carefulness of housekeepers, who kept far too sharp an eye upon their allies the cooks, their profits were falling off every day. Then they pointed out that their trade was being threatened by the vegetarians, who could stuff themselves to repletion for about sixpence, or even less. Now a farmer, who having heard what the butchers had said, declared butchers ought to be making large fortunes, for that they charged the people quite double, and sometimes more, than what they gave for the meat. This was quite true, but then the butchers only acted upon that principle of robbery which was to be detected in the breast of most of the trading Buccaneers, and was all due, no doubt, to an old Sea King, or pirate, having taken to business in his latter years, and the principle on which he traded, namely, of turning his five talents into ten.
The dispute between the burly farmer and the burly butcher seemed likely to end in blows; but the vegetarians stepped in and acted as a buffer. They declared that animal food was not at all necessary, and that if men would only feed upon vegetables there would be no wars and they would live longer and more intellectual lives.
"If that comes to pass," said old Jack, "farewell to the lowing herds and the bleating flocks, for man isn't going to keep these things to look at, and a pretty flabby weak-kneed lot we shall be. Give me my chop and toothsome steak, say I."