Jack was told that he was very much behind the time and that science was dead against him. This discussion was put an end to by the appearance of the milkmen who complained that they had suffered considerably since they had been stopped manufacturing their own cream, adulterating their milk with water, and mixing fat with their butter. In fact, all the tradesmen had the same story to tell, and cried out against the stringent laws which ground them down to a rigid line of honesty. Perquisites and peculation, they declared, were almost things of the past, and they added that all this was strictly against the interests of trade, and was not according to precedent. They wanted to know where the Buccaneer would have been if, in his fine old Buccaneering days, he had been so hampered. In conclusion they declared that a too rigid honesty was not compatible with prosperity, and that though "honesty is the best policy" is a capital text to put over your door, it is a bad principle to practise behind the counter. They added that "caveat emptor" ought to be the motive power between man and man in all his mercantile transactions, and that idiots should be left to take care of themselves.
This unprincipled language horrified the Buccaneer, who having long since become wealthy, could now afford to be honest, virtuous, and respectable. So he condemned, in no measured terms, these nefarious adulterators, and would-be peculators. It is true that these tradesmen were but chips of the ancient block; but that block had now been laid aside, and was only produced on very great and state occasions, when the magnitude of it quite overshadowed all the small chips that had been cut from it, and the block was so highly polished that it looked altogether beautiful and quite virtuous.
But who are these men, who look like whitened sepulchres, that are treading so closely upon the heels of the milkmen?
These are the Buccaneer's bakers, who declared that nearly all the Buccaneer's bread was made by foreign hands, who were literally taking the very bread out of the mouths of the Buccaneer's own sons.
The Buccaneer knew there was very great truth in this. But how was he to remedy the evil? His was a free land and people ever had been allowed to come and to go at their own pleasure; and to buy and sell, and to make their money as best they could. Then the bakers had the same complaint about the severity of the law, which kept so strict an eye upon them all to the detriment of trade, that it was not safe to use any of the substances so useful in adulterating bread, such as bean meal, rice flour, potatoes and peas, indian corn, salt, and alum. Of course they admitted that too much alum was not good for the human stomach, but that was no business of theirs, and the human stomach could adapt itself to all things, so wonderfully and marvellously was it made.
The brewers next had their say, and declared that their ales and stouts stood a chance of being washed out of the market by the light beverages from the other side of the water, and that these and wishy-washy wines were ruining their trade, and undermining the constitution of the people. These malcontents declared that this was but the thin end of the wedge which was eventually to cleave the Buccaneer's prosperity asunder. It was by good strong brewed ales and beef that he had made himself what he was, and unless John Barleycorn was reinstated they fully believed that the Buccaneer would dwindle down to the mere shadow of his former self.
This oration met with general approval; for there were many who thought that beer and beef produced good muscle, sound bodies, and healthy and courageous minds; but a sickly smile played upon the features of the teetotallers and vegetarians, who pitied all those whose minds were so much clouded by ignorance.
Now a general cry rose up from amongst the traders against the buyers, who, it was said, were ruining trade by their co-operation, which, it was declared, had taken all the gilt off their gingerbread. The strange part of the thing was, that while the shop-keepers claimed the privilege of combining together to fleece their customers they denied the latter the right of combining together for their own protection. "How," they asked, "were poor people to maintain their families, make a modest competence, and support their public burdens, if the consumers patronized co-operative stores?" They all declared that in days, unhappily long since past, people lived quite as long as they did now, if not longer. This they considered a conclusive proof that adulteration, if conducted upon the principles of moderation, was not detrimental to the coatings of the human stomach, which, they said, was being ruined by the extreme care that was being taken of it, until indeed there was a good chance of that pampered and petted member ruling the whole body in a most tyrannical manner. The stomach had been made to do certain work; then why relieve it of its responsibility?
The tailors now advanced, and they also had their grievance; for they declared that the atmosphere was so impregnated with honesty that their cabbages were nothing like as fine as what they used to be; and they made the same cry out against foreign competition. The shoemakers had the same tale to tell. Behind these came the handmaids to fashion and folly, who declared that their field of operation was becoming more and more contracted, not on account of any falling off in the vanity of the female sex, but on account of the cruel laws that had been passed to guard the husbands against the extravagance of their wives. All this they declared was extremely unjust and entirely against the interest of trade.
The honest Hodge family now came lumbering along, and each member carried in his hands a halter of rope. The Buccaneer beheld them with amazement, for he feared they were going to take a leaf out of the Ojabberaways' book and make a prisoner of the poor old Squire. He was relieved to find they had no such intention. The Hodge family were one and all agriculturalists, but they declared that times were sadly out of joint with them. They said they wished to make a prisoner of no one; but they each of them had been promised a cow and a bit of land, by a gentleman they saw amongst the grand company, and they had brought the bit of rope to lead their beast back. "Hodge," cried the Buccaneer, "your bed may not be one of roses; but your condition has wonderfully improved. Your wages in the last fifty years have been doubled, and so have your comforts. You ever have had the reputation of being an honest fellow, willing to earn by the sweat of your brow a living; keep in the same track. Remember promises are made of pie crust, and take care, my honest fellow, that designing people neither make a tool nor a fool of you." Hodge scratched his head to try by gentle irritation to conjure his brain into such a state of activity that he might understand the situation, but he found no relief, and had to go away muttering to himself that "summut must be wrong somewhere."