A complete damper was now put upon the whole of the proceedings, by the appearance of a most melancholy and miserable-looking body of men. On their faces woe, deep woe, sat enthroned, and their dress bore testimony to the depth of their sorrow. This mournful section of the disaffected could scarcely speak for emotion. It was a deputation from the undertakers, who declared that unless something was done to revive and encourage their drooping trade, they would all have to throw themselves upon the community by entering the work-house. They said their business was not what it had been or what it ought to be. Though perhaps they did not suffer as much as other traders from foreign competition, people still having sufficient respect for themselves to wish to be buried in home-made coffins, yet the general depression, but more especially that which bore so heavily upon their worthy friends, the publicans, bid fair to ruin them. Indeed, they saw little before them but their own tenantless coffins. Then they said that buryings had so fallen off that little or no margin for profit was left, for not only had they decreased in number, but also considerably in quality. People, they declared, seemed to take more care of themselves than they used to; eating less, and drinking less; consequently living longer. Then when they died they generally left behind them strictly economical and even niggardly instructions, and worse still, relations who were mean enough to carry them out. They said all this was against the interests of trade, and ought to be put a stop to. All hired grief, they declared, was a drug upon the market. The nodding funereal plumes were fast vanishing. The pensive, sorrow-faced, and red-nosed mute, they declared, would soon be a being of the past, and would only live in the pages of history, unless some fresh life was put into him by more frequent deaths, and more decent and expensive funerals. They said that the money now spent upon floral decorations, which in a few hours were crushed under the earth, if they did not find their way to the grave-digger's cottage, would keep a mute in drink and his wife and family in bread for many weeks, and they declared that such sinful waste ought to be put down by the strong arm of the law. It was a pity, they said, that such a hardness of heart had seized upon the Buccaneer's people, for that now the circumstances of the deceased could no longer be told by the funeral obsequies, and that now many a great, and even rich man, went to his last resting-place with no more pomp, than if he had been one of mean degree. A few widows perhaps, whose hearts were stricken with remorse for the lives they had led their husbands, and out of gratitude for the comfortable circumstances they had been left in, still showed liberality, but the number, though respectable, was not more than sufficient to give a small flicker to the dying lamp of their prosperity.
With eyes brimful of tears, they declared that their old friends, the doctors, were deserting them, for they did not now kill half the people they used to, and there seemed to be a selfish desire on all sides to cheat the grave, and consequently to injure the undertakers.
Then they declared that science was doing an infinity of harm by poking its nose into every offensive smell it came across, by trapping drains, emptying, and forbidding cesspools, and finding sanitary preventions for nearly every disease. This, they declared, was violating one of the Buccaneer's most cherished principles, namely, the liberty of the subject. They further said that their trade now, owing to the doctors, science, and the spread of education, which was an enemy to dirt and drains, seldom, if ever, received a fillip from the friendly hand of an epidemic. As the absence of outdoor, and indoor, parish relief was an index to the prosperity of the country, so they declared that the falling off even in pauper funerals bore ample testimony to their languishing trade.
Thus ended this funeral oration, and it had such an effect upon the Buccaneer that what little spirits he commenced the day with had completely vanished. It seemed to him that each hour brought before him a sadder picture, and he called for the captain of his watch, for he wanted to ask him how he could reconcile what he had said about the general happiness, and prosperity of his people, with this long list of disaffection. But old Dogvane was not to be found. Some said he had only just gone round the corner for a few minutes, while others said he was on duty on board of the old Ship of State.
After a little consideration the Buccaneer made known to the undertakers how deeply he was grieved at their sad story, "But," he added, "in such things it is not well to act with indecent haste, lest some greater injury should be done. So grave do I consider the matter you have brought before me that I promise you a Royal Commission."
With voices quivering with emotion the undertakers thanked their august master for his extreme consideration, and most gracious condescension, and they said they felt sure that if their case was only laid before a Royal Commission it would certainly not be prejudiced by any undue, or indecent haste.
But now there was a great commotion going on in the crowd, and two angry women were heard abusing each other like the proverbial fish-fags. The one was called Fair Trade, the other Free Trade. These two had had a quarrel of long standing, and they never met that they did not exchange compliments. Each carried baskets, in which were various articles of merchandise. They seemed now to have a strong inclination to tear each other to pieces, and their shrill voices were heard for a considerable distance, and forced themselves upon the ears of the grand company.
"If I had my way," cried the one known as Fair Trade, "I would tear all that cheap finery of yours off your back."
"Yes," exclaimed the other, "and stick it upon your own. That costly, but sober looking homespun of yours needs something to set it off," so said Free Trade, who held up before the eyes of the people her cheap wares.
"Buy my home-made loaf," cried Fair Trade.