Never did the Canicular dayes infuse into Dogs a greater madness and fury, than did this whipping in Loves School inrage the minde of our sufficiently jerkt Amorist; which for the present (whilst under his Chirurgions hands) he durst not express; for all that he could do, was to supplicate them not to deprive him of what would make him stand as a Neuter between the Sexes of humane Generation; which they granted him.
With much hazard, and greater fear, escaping their hands, only in his shirt, without shooe or stocking, he got out into the streets; and being overjoy’d that he was secure, but had the black mantle of night to conceal his shame, and convey him home, without the knowledge of the Town inhabitants, ran through the streets with all speed imaginable; but, by the way, meeting with a sharp stone, it so hurt his foot, that he was compell’d to slacken his pace, and lamely limp to his lodging. The Clock had then struck twelve (an hour wherein supposed Bugg-bears walk, to frighten Children) as he could see just before him two women, whom a third had raised from their warm beds by her incessant cries, proceeding from the intollerable pains she then indured, being ready to be delivered, to hasten to call up a fourth, viz. a Midwife. Haste on both sides had made them so carelesly heedless in their way, that they were within a spit and a stride of each other, before they could discern one the other. My cheating, and cheated Leacher perceived the women first, which put him to a stand, what he were best to do, either to go forward, or backward; they, on the other side, seeing a thing all in white stand opposit in their way, judged it to be the troubled spirit of the lately diseased Husband of this woman they were going to fetch the Midwife for. He, on the other hand, resolved to go forward; and they seeing him approach them (skreeking out) ran back as fast as they could; who being stopt by the watch, and demanded why they made that hideous outcry, made answer, they had met the Devil, or some thing like him. Condemning the womens idle and causless fears (as they judged) they advanced forwards, armed with Bills, Halberts, but principally with an unparallell’d resolution. My Gallant had stept into a by-corner, when the woman cried out to secure himself from what might ensue that unexpected allarum, fully resolved to run home to his lodging directly, with what speed he might; he started out just as the Watch were advanc’d within half Pistol-shot of him; the sudden surprize confirmed them in the womens report, so that, without consideration there was not one of these desperate Kill-Devils to be seen, but such as with a too precipitate haste, lay tumbling in the Kennel, one over the other. This accident gave new wings to my Lovers feet, which were so benumm’d with cold, that he very much stood in need of such Icarian practices, Dædalian inventions.
In conclusion, with much knocking, he made a shift to get in. His Landlady (who was a Widow) seeing him in this condition, charg’d him home, asking, Where he had been, how he came thus to lose his skin? Whether he had been robb’d? Though wanting Garments, yet he would not be without a Cloak to hide this Venereal enterprize of his, and therefore replied, That falling into ill company, it was his ill hap to fall into that damn’d itch, that tickling humour of playing; that having won something, and like to win more, they would not let him play longer, but seizing him, stript him, and would have done, I know not what, had not his flight procured his safety.
His loving Landlady believing that he was thus really abused, conducts him to her own warm bed, and like a kind friend would not let him lie alone, for fear of catching cold. But his Breech was so sore, he could not lie on his back; and so troubled were his thoughts, he had no mind to lie upon his belly. His Landlady finding him so backward, imagined the cause to proceed from his being too forward abroad with others, and gathered by too many apparent symptoms, that she was much deceived in his pretended continencie at home; and being hartily vext to be thus disappointed of her expectations, she leapt out of bed, telling him angrily, she had more lodgings and Lodgers in her house, and would not be beholden to him for either; and had she known so much before she did let him in, as she hath done since, she would have tried how the cooling Julip of standing in the street all night in his shirt, would have wrought with his feaverish concupiscence.
Netled he was to the purpose to hear his Landlady (who had ever since their first acquaintance born him a more than common kindness and respect) thus taunt at him; but his thoughts were so absolutely taken up with a subject of another nature, that he returned her not one word; which so exasperated her spirits, not to be replyed unto; that laying aside discretion, with her modesty, she was resolved to ring him a peal in the ear-ratling-Rhetorick of Billingsgate. How now, (said she) is it not enough that my Servants, from time to time, have sate up late, or rather early, but that I must be disturb’d from my rest, to give repose to a restless Stallion? Shall my roof prove the Protector to such Caterwawling Night-walkers? Is it not enough, that I have furnished you continually with money, but you must ungratefully make that the Common-procurer of your private Veneries abroad, and those gawdy Clothes I gave you must be the Gentleman Usher that must lead you to them? Are all your former respects come to this? are your hot pretences grown so cold at home, that nothing can warm them, but a fire in another mans Chimney, made there at my expences? She would have proceeded, but that her clamorous tongue interrupted her, by raising one of Her Lodgers, who came down at that instant, to know what the matter was; when my Come-Rogue, not induring her rallery longer, rudely bid her, rather than gently desired her to go to bed; begging that she would not trouble him after that manner, charging her with incivility, for disturbing him from his rest.
The Gentleman, that came down the stairs, hearing this; and judging she had prostituted those kindnesses to one that scornfully refused them, which he had so frequently sollicited her for partly for pleasure, but principally for profit, had not the patience to check her for it in any other place, than these down-right; outragiously bellowing forth, Am not I the oldest Guest in your house, and not a penny in your Debt? Have not I pamper’d you at home, and Coacht you abroad, till I have not had a wheel in my pocket for your extravagant delights to move further on; and have afterwards stab’d my Credit, that you might deliciously feed, and satiate your self on the blood of the grape: then (when few refuse to give themselves satisfaction) I have attempted to enjoy what you now prostitute; but you kept me at that distance, I knew not whether your breath stunk or not. Nay, I have made use of Critical minutes to purchase my desire, more especially then, when I could see by the flaming of your eyes, what conspiracies wine and wanton discourse had formed within you, to fire the Fortress of the most resolved Chastity. And shall you now be bid to go to bed? be begg’d to retire from your satiated Lovers embraces? how can you stand thus impudently in your smock in a mans Chamber, and yet commanded to be gone? Come, you forget your self; your dark-Lanthorn delights have dazzled the sight of your Reason; and let this (kicking her with his foot) light you to your own Chamber; and withal laying hold on her, would have forcibly thrust her out; which rude carriage of his made her cry out aloud, fearing some further mischief.
This out-cry so startled my Gentleman in bed, that not enduring to hear his Land-lady so grosly abused, got up, and closing with him, threw him; and having no other weapons, but their fists, pounded one another to some purpose. The Woman fearing what mischief might ensue, put her head out at the window, and cryed Murder as loud as she could bawl; the Watch (hearing murder cryed out) came running to[running to] the house with all speed (not dreaming they should see again that Spirit which had so lately frighted them) and perceiving a great bustle in the house, and the same horrid noise continuing, they broke open the doors, and entring, found two men scuffling in their shirts, having blooded one the other sufficiently (this bleeding excused very well the other blood that came from the firked-back and breech of my Gallant) I say, finding them in this bloody condition, they doubted they had injured one another with some sharp instrument; they needed not to search farther than their hands, having neither of them more cloathes to conceal anything than what modesty commanded. Notwithstanding they were parted by the Watch, yet they could not hold their hands off one another; which caused the Watch to interpose again, and now they resolved to secure them that night (from further mischieving one the other) at the Watch-houses, and so commanded them to put on their Cloaths; which the one quickly did, but the other could not. It would have been worth all my revenge to have seen in what confusion he stood, at that word of command, or to have known what the watch-men thought when they saw their Prisoner could finde no Cloaths.
Though their wonder was great, yet they resolved to have their curiosity resolved; and therefore askt him, where were his cloaths, and how he come, or how he could be without them? by the way, surely there was not much wit in that Constable and his Watch: for had they had any, they might presently have concluded (from the posture they found those Gentlemen in) that they were a couple of mendicant Poets, who had but one suit of apparrel between them, that when the one went abroad, a wheedling, the other was forc’d to lye a bed a staring; and disputing who should next scout abroad to find out the Enemies of famine, and not agreeing upon the point, fell together by the ears. But to return where I left of, the Constable having interrogated him as aforesaid, he (endeavouring[(endeavouring] to excuse himself, and palliate the scuruy usage of his revengeful Mistriss) answered him, that walking that after noon, it was his mischance, by a push of that Gentleman they found him fighting with, to fall into a Common-house, (Pox on his witty allusion) and that having no suit than that, he intended to have lain in bed till it had been cleansed and dried. That the Gentleman aforesaid would not let him rest, but came into his Chamber, and with scoffing and irritating expressions, provok’d him to rise, and endeavour to be rid of his trouble.
The other told the Constable, that what was said was a greater lye than the Devil could invent; that the cause of the Quarrel was his endeavouring to hinder his Leachery that night, by preventing his Landlady from going to bed to him. The Woman hearing this, replyed, they were both of them a couple of confounded lyars, and (that she might make one of the number) told them; that they intended to have ravisht her, and that the one breaking up her Chamber-door, the other followed, and fell together by the ears, who should be the first Actor in their damn’d design: to prevent which, she was compell’d to cry out Murther, upon which they withdrew out of her Chamber, and went into one of their own, where (said she) you find them like a couple of malicious dogs, fighting for that morsel neither of the Curs is ever likely to taste of.
This Forgery was more semblable to probability in the Constables opinion, than any thing else he had heard. Wherefore not to spend further time in examination, he charged his Watchmen with my two Gentlemen, and so inconsiderately rash he was, that he vow’d they should go with him; and had carried them in that very condition, had not the Woman of the house interceeded, that she might cloath his nakedness as well as she could for the present; hereupon she furnished him with a Peticoat of her own, having no other Cloathes that would fit him: instead of a cloak, she helpt him to a red Rugg; and to crown all, she clapt upon his head her straw-hat. Had it been day-light, it would have been worth twelve pence a piece to have seen this Slavonian, whose garb, for strangeness, the barbarous World might admire, but never imitate. I do not hear that he over-slept himself that night; nor can I believe that the morning gave his eyes no great satisfaction, in viewing the preposterousness of his habit; and his Twinklers lookt, as I am inform’d, as if they had been imployed in nothing all that night, but on looking on the phantasms[phantasms] of some of his dead and damn’d acquaintance.