I slept but little my self, that night, partly, by thinking how this revengful[revengful] plot of mine would take effect, but chiefly, by reason of my unsatisfied Bed-fellow, who kept me waking, in spight of my teeth. However I arose early, and being but a little way distant, soon got home; where arrived, I understood from my husband, that my Rings were restored, that he had left me his Breeches, as owning me his Master; and so he might well acknowledge, for he was never so whipt for being a naughty Boy, as I caused him to be; and well he escap’d so, having like to have left behind him a most pretious remedy against several female distempers; a Recipe, as infallible against all manner of obstructions, as ever was applyed to any Chalk, or Oatmeal Eater, since Eve lay in with Cain in her first Child bed. Immediately after I heard of the rest of that Knights incomparable Adventures, and how he was secured; and had a particular account of the pleasant dress he was in: never did any thing tickle me more, than the Relation, how amply and fully I was, revenged of him; yet I could not but entertain a thought that might incline to pity him; but it would extend no further then than to send him his Cloathes, and withall a Letter, to give my self the plenary satisfaction of laughing at him; and those sufferings he underwent by my procurement; the words and sense were to this purpose.
The Letter.
Sir,
I am much troubled that one of your age and experiance should prove so meer a Novice in Loves-School, as to be guilty of an amorous erratum, that should deserve the lash: I see now you are a meer Baby in our Sex, and ought to be whipt again into a better understanding. What, trust that Woman whom you have abused! Why, a Child of the first head, in the nonage of Amorous matters, in the Hanging sleeves of Courtship, knew this as a Maxime--that if Love, though never so fervent, be once by abuse converted into hatred, the woman is indefatigable in her revenge, till Death hath put an end to the Controversie. Henceforth be better advised from me, how you behave your self before your little Sparkling Goddesses (as wantonly you are pleased to call them;) if you will preserve your good esteem and be dayly cherisht with their Soul-winning and ravishing Smiles, you must not be relax in your offerings; but if by slighting, cozenage, &c. you instigate their incest Deities to revenge, nothing but an absence, as distant as the two Poles, shall protect you from their subtle and speedy revenge. And now, thank me Sir, that mine hath fallen so slightly on your Shoulders, having given a stript Simmar, for the Gown I should have had: I am sorry though, I had not secured you witnesses of manhood, that they might have been Testimonies continually by me, to assure my self you will not for the future abuse my love, by fondly affecting an other. Lastly, hearing that you are clad, as if you were sent Embassadour from the Northern Witches to their Emperor the Devil, I thought fit to send you some Cloaths (in lieu of those Rings you left with my Husband) which are more sutable for humain conversation. But let me advise you, haunt me no more in them, lest I conjure you out of them again, and the Devil into you. Be wise, and have a care of being amorous, when pennyless.
Your abused, in part
revenged, &c.
I commanded the Messenger to observe his carriage in reading the Letter; who told me, all the mad-men in the World, put them altogether, could not in their most extravagant gestures, have exprest madness so to the life as he did. However, he was not so mad, but that he did put on his Cloaths, which upon old acquaintance so complyed, as to fit him to a hair. Soon after he was discharged; and now invoking the Devil to be of his Cabinet Council, he walkt into a solitary place, that he might hatch mischief, that is, be revenged on me, my Husband, or any else that he supposed might be his rivals. He was quickly furnished with a mischievous design, agreeable to his desire; and how could he otherwise, for there are millions of hellish imps of the worser sort, who continually attend the motions of the malitious and revengeful, to execute the commands of such who care not how they precipitate others and themselves into ruine and destruction.
This stratagem he contrived, by the help of a little credit he had yet surviving, he puts himself into a new riding garb, mounted with sword and pistol; having gotten a Perriwig of a colour clean contrary to what he usually wore; having for the better carrying on his Plot, procured a false beard, with a black patch on one of his eyes; in this disguise, the most discerning eye of his most intimate, and familiar friends and acquaintance, could not have discovered him who he was. In this equipage he rides out of town, some half-score miles, only to dirty his horse and boots; and leaves a Letter with a Friend to be delivered to my own hands, in these terms.
The Answer to the former Letter.
Madam,