Or rather Mad-dame, for she that is madder that you was begotten in Monte Gibello, where troubling the Sulphurous wombe of that burning Mountain, was belcht into the World, and carried on the back of a whirlwind, to disturb the inhabitants thereof. Think not I will trouble my self to answer particularly every flouting invective, the which your letter is stuft withal, but shall tell you in general, you are too dangerously wicked for my acquaintance; and he that intends to contract a friendship with Hell, must first shake hands with you; your eyes will be his light, to guide him; your cheeks, and breasts, are his highway; and your mouth the gate or entrance thereinto. I do not intend to buy repentance at so dear a rate, as ever to see you again; therefore your threats were needless. I am not yet fallen in love with my winding-sheet, that I should court Death, or hug a Contagion. My sense of smelling is indifferently well recovered of its late distemper, and can now distinguish the scent of sound Bodies from putrifaction. My eyes too have regained their sight, and can plainly see the she-devil in you, maugre all the paint, and fucus, that is on that daub’d face of thine. Prithee name me not at any time, lest[lest] thy breath for ever poyson my memory; and to that intent, forget that ever I had a being; and so wishing thou never hadst one, I take my eternal farewell of thee, &c.
This Letter he sent me, to the intent I might believe he was so far from revenging himself on me, that he never intended to see me more; by which means he facilitated his purpose. In prosecution thereof; late in the evening he came to Town, and directed his course to our house; upon his alighting, he seemed much tyred, which we verily believed, his horse being all of a foam; and desiring his Chamber might be shewn him, it was done accordingly; and order being taken for a Sack-posset, he supt it up, and laid his head to rest; he lay abed somewhat long the next day, pretending indisposition by reason of his long journey, but getting up; he seemed somewhat pleasant, calling for a pint of Sack for his and his Land-ladyes Mornings draught, assuring me, that as a stranger he would not be indebted for any civilities he should receive in my house. I on the other side, seeing him so forward to part from his money, gave him a considerable lift by my usual way of spunging. Dinner time approaching I askt him what he would have; who ordered me to provide variety of what was in season; not imagining that Table, on which this meat should stand, should so soon prove the Stage on which a bloody Tragedy must be acted. A little before we sate down to dinner, I sent for my friend (that lay with me that night I acted my revenge) to participate in our good cheer; who coming, we sate down together, there being no other, than this disguised Gentleman, my Husband, my Self, and Friend. We did eat, and drink freely; about half dinner this Gentleman seemed to be very officious in helping me, at last, Madam, said he, I will help you to one bit more, which you shall not refuse for my sake; I returning him thanks, in an instant he whipt off with his knife, my Husbands ear, and laid it hastily on my Trencher; and turning his head quick about, be not angry, Sir, (said he) you shall have bitt for bitt; and thereupon endeavoured to cut off my nose, but I was to nimble for him, and by running out escap’d the danger; my Friend observing what had past, being too suddenly done to be prevented, stept from the Table, and drawing, bid the Rogue disguised draw too, or he would pin him to the wall, for this matchless piece of villany; whereupon he did, but behaved himself so ill, that my friend wounded him desperately in the body at the first pass; concluding he had received his Mortal wound, he resolved not to die alone, wherefore he made a full pass, and so running upon his Adversaries point, each dyed at once by the swords of one another. I soon returned with a long train of Mirmidons, whom I had instructed how to chastise this insolence; but Lord! what a confusion was I in, when I saw the two combatants lye dead on the floor, and my Husband gazing on them motionless, like one converted into a Statue for the loss of his ear; which he should have lost, by right, long before that time.
Some more busie then the rest, stirring their bodies, the false beard of the disguised fell off, by which he was presently known who he was; and because it was every where known through the town, how this Gentleman had spent what he had on me, and was abused for his pains; I was immediatly cryed out upon, as the Authoress of all this mischief, I endeavoured to excuse my self, by relating what he had done; viz. the cutting my Husbands Ear off and the endeavouring to cut off my Nose; but this allegation signified little. Searching his pockets, they found a note, or letter, sealed, & seeing it was directed to me, they then, without my consent, break it open, imagining they should find therein the mystery of this tragical encounter but all they could discover was only his intention of cutting off my Nose, and my Husbands Ear: the Lines were these which follow.
Insatiate Strumpet; perjur’d-painted-Whore,
Who hast the vice of all thy Sex, and more,
Devil, nay worse; for thou canst by thy face
Make Men Apostate in the State of Grace.
By thee I fell; then did my Pagan knee
Oft render Worship to thy Devilree.
I (being converted) Idols won’t allow;