There came three men, who although they were neighbours, and famous for eating, yet mine Host not knowing them, they thus over-reach’d him: they came to sup, and lye there that night, and therefore went into the Kitchin to see what was for Supper. There was Capons, Pidgeons, and Sparagus: Very good meat, said they: Now, mine Host, what shall we give you a peice for our supper of these three sorts of victuals? He asked, how much they would have drest: they asked him the same question, How much he would dress: Why, said he, I will dress three Capons, three dozen of Pidgeons, and fifteen hundred of Sparagus. Very good, said they: but if this be not enough, we expect to have more. That you shall, said he; but you shall sup first, and I hope there will be enough for my self and family, when you have done. For that, you must adventure it, said they; Well now, your price? Said mine Host, I will have three shillings four pence a piece, that is, ten shillings in all. Content, said they; Make haste that we may drink afterwards. Thus was the Bargain made up, and the Fowls laid down to the fire. In the mean time the three Travellors fetched a walk, to get them (as they said) a stomack to their Supper; which in convenient time being ready, and they returned, they thus began; each of the three took, each of them, a Capon whole on their trenchers; and cutting them into pieces, they made one mouthful of each wing, another of each leg; and scraping all the meat from the Carcass, into two or three mouth-fuls, the Capons were invisible; then they drank each his cup of Claret, to whet their appetites; that being done, they fell to the Pidgeons, and cutting each Pidgeon into four quarters, they eat them, bones and all, at four bits; and then they drank again, and fell to the Sparagus, which was in short time bestowed where the rest of the victuals was; mine Host seeing them so quick at their work, stared at them, and they calling for another glass of wine drank to him, and told him, that he must provide more victuals, or lose his wager, he being angry at both their propositions, at length thought it was better to let them have more meat, than not to be paid for what they had, and be laughed at into the Bargain; wherefore he replyed, they should have enough; and calling for the Cook-maid, commanded her to dress the same quantity of victuals; she staring on the Guests, they bad her go down, and make haste for they wanted their supper: down she went, and did accordingly; and whilst supper was dressing, they walked and smoak’d, in their Chamber. In time the other course, consisting of three Capons, three dozen of Pigeons, and fifteen hundred of Sparagus was brought up, and in as little time as before it was eaten up, as the former had been to the great cost, loss, and confusion of mine Host; who stared now worse than he had done; but however he again asked them, if they would have any more; to this they readily replyed, Yes. He again called, and the Cook maid being come up, was commanded to dress the same quantity again, and that quickly: She replyed, she could not, for all the Fowl that was killed, was eaten; and it would be a great while, ere she could kill, pull and dress the like quantity; besides, there was no more Sparagus then to be had; they told mine Host they must have their bargain, or he lose his wager: he replyed, if he could not furnish them with that, yet they might have of any other sort of victuals: they said, they would have that, or none, or else a third way, come to composition, to this mine Host gave ear, and asked what composition: they told him, that indeed though they could give a dispatch to more victuals, yet they would for once forbear further eating, and exchange their victuals for drink: so they reckoned what their other mess of victuals might come to, which being computed to ten shillings, they desired ten shillings worth of wine. Mine Host shook his head at this and said, they did him too hard, which they confessing, and a little further discoursing on, it was agreed that they should have each of them a quart of Canary, in full satisfaction of the wager: this they had, this they drank off, and so went to bed, where they slept more soundly then mine Host, who with all his Family went supperless to bed; and he was extreamly vex’d, that he should be out-witted and over-reached by three Bumpkins; but what could not be cured must be endured; it was but a folly to complain, self do, self have, and now he remember’d the wager between the Cook-maid and Country-man, and had no cause to laugh at her anymore. Night being spent, part in sleep, and part in these cogitations, he arose, and so did his guests, who honestly paid their shot, though not half so much as their reckoning came to; and at departure they told him, that if ever he had occasion for an eating wager, if he would send for any of them, they would do their weak endeavours to assist him as much to his gain as this had been to his loss; and thereupon acquainted him with the places of their dwellings, they departed: and indeed, it was not long ere he had occasion to make use of them; for a Person of Quality, being to travel our Road, sent his boy before to our house to bespeak a Supper; the boy, having mistook his Master in his direction, instead of a couple of Capons, and a dozen of Larks, which he had ordered him to bespeak, he bespeak, a dozen of Capons, and a Couple of Larks, mine Host did somewhat distrust the boy for his directions, when he spake of a couple of Larks, and told him surely he was mistaken, he must have two dozen of Larks; no, said the boy, my Master is but a small eater, and the dozen of Capons and the two Larks will be enough for him and his Company, which is but one Gentleman, besides himself; well, replyed mine Host, however I’le provide two dozen of Larks; and if your Master will not eat them, I’le have them my self; to this the boy consented, and the fowls were ordered to be dressed accordingly: mine Host was very sensible of the mistake, and that the Boy should have bespoke but two Capons, and a dozen of Larks; but however, the boy being so confident that it was a dozen of Capons, he was resolved to dress them, and that his Master should pay for them; but lest they should be left on his hands, and deducted for, he bethought on a way to have them dispatched; wherefore he dispatched away a boy to one of his three Capon and Pidgeon eaters, desiring him to favour him so far, as to come that evening to his house; for he did believe he might do him a kindness in some affairs relating to the teeth and guts. The Country man was at home, and came at his time: but before he came, the Master of the boy came thither, and asking what was for Supper, was answered, a dozen of Capons, and two dozen of Larks; and for whom is all this provision? said the Gentleman. For your worship, said mine Host: how so, said the Gentleman, by whose order? by your servants, replyed mine Host; and thereupon the boy being called, sirrah, said his Master, what orders did I give you about my supper? Sir, said the boy, I believe there is a mistake, and so I told mine Host. For I only bespake a dozen of Capons, and a couple of Larks; and he said, it was too little, and that he would dress two dozen of Larks. The Gentleman and his Friend laughed at the Boyes mistake, and excuse; and mine Host said, that he thought two dozen of Larks was little enough for one dozen of Capons. That is true, said the Gentleman; but I ordered the boy to bespeak only a couple of Capons, and a dozen of Larks. You see said mine Host, It is not my mistake, and I did nothing but was reasonable. I but, said the Gentleman, it is unreasonable to think, that we two and the boy can eat so much as you have provided for us; not so unreasonable neither, as you think, Sir, replyed mine Host; for I’le lay a good wager, that I’le produce one man, that can, and will eat up all the Capons himself; how, said the Gentleman? I’le never believe that, and I’le lay twenty shillings of it, and venture my Supper; done, said mine Host; done, said the Gentleman; and so both their moneys were laid into the other Gentlemans hand. Thus was this wager concluded of and mine Host went to his Teeth and Gut-Champion, who attended the sport; he told him the wager; to that he shook his head, and said it was a hard task; but he would strive to serve him. Supper being ready, it was Ushered in by mine Host, leading his Champion by the hand; who, after due reverance to the Company, sits down; and the meat being placed on the board, the wager was again recited; and it was further agreed, that the Champion might have what drink he would call for; and thereupon he began to use his teeth, and the rest of the Company their eyes, to behold the manner how he made so quick a dispatch of his Victuals. I told you already how, and in that manner he did eat; but now being to do much, he took more time than ordinary; but in time, ten of the twelve were made invisible, being put into our Gut-mongers Christmas Cup-board, and the eleventh was on his Trencher, and part of it sent down his belly, when mine Host looked on him with a more than curious eye, and discovered somewhat of discontent, which caused him to cry out, Come Friend! bear up, and here’s to you; thank you, replyed the Eater; and taking the drink from mine Host, he whispering him in the ear, said; You have lost, I can eat no more. How, said the Gentleman, what sayes he? Nothing, said mine Host, but that he is sure you have lost, for he can eat a dozen more: How, replyed the Gentle-man, but by my faith he shall not, for i’le have this my self for my Supper: and thereupon he seized on the twelfth Capon, and laying it on his Trencher, cuts it in peices, and gives to his Friend. Nay then, said mine Host, I see you agree the wager to be mine: yes, replyed the Gentleman, I had better do so, than fill his belly, and lose my own supper; and thereupon the money was given to mine Host; who now, meerly by his quickness of wit in thinking, and confidence in speaking so contrary to the Eaters saying, won the wager; and, which was most, saving his own credit, and that of his Champion, who clearly confessed, that the wager was in great danger to be lost.
Thus did mine Host get as much as he lost by the former wager, and the Gentleman was well pleased at the loss of his; and all parties being contented, they went to bed, and next day parted.
And now, continued Mrs. Dorothy, that my hand is in, I’le tell you one Story more of the like nature, and so conclude with this eating discourse.
It was not long ere some Company came to the House, and in the Company three Women, who were good girls, absolute Bona Roba’s, they had a great desire to drink Rhenish wine, and therefore asked if we had any? Mine Host told them yes, he had a Runlet of eighteen Gallons newly come in, and it was excellent good; the women said that would hardly serve one sitting: no said one of the Gentle-men surely it will: they said no, they would wager that they themselves could drink it off at one sitting. The Gentleman told them that if they would, he would not only pay for it, but also give unto each of them forty shillings, to buy a new Petticoat; this they agreed to, nay, they said they would not rise from their seats e’re it was done, provided they might have Anchoves, and Neats-tongues, and such like victuals to intermix: this was agreed on, and that they might the more conveniently do their business, they had each of them an empty Butter-firkin with the head knock’d off, and so taking up their Coates, they laid their bare bums on the firkins, thus they sate, and thus they drank, sometimes eating and other whiles talking, so that in four hours time, all the wine was drank off, and if they had occasion to evacuate, they did that without trouble sitting as they did on butter-firkins.
CHAP. X.
Mrs. Dorothy discourses of the several cheats of Drawers and Tapsters, inventing bad drink and small measure. The Host carries two men before the Justice, where he came off with the loss. He is out-witted by two Guests, but is revenged on them by the boyes assistance.
These were the frolicks we daily had at our house, which were commonly to the profit of mine Host; for whoever won or lost he went away with the profit and gain; and indeed his gain was very great both in his victuals and drink, for when wine was to be sold at eighteen pence the quart, we had two shillings or half a crown, and that we might not come within the compass of the law, to every bottle of Wine, a small plate of Olives was carried up, neither was this enough to have the price, but the Wine was generally mixt, and bad; and that the Guests might as well be cheated in quantity as quality, it was commonly sold in bottles, where we many times had two shillings or half a crown for a bottle of Wine that would not hold above a pinte and a half; and for instance, I will relate one little fine Cheat to that purpose: A Company of Gentlemen come to our house and call’d for Wine, which they drank off but liked not, wherefore they called the Drawer, and desiring another bottle told him that there was two faults in the Wine they had drank, the one that it was not so good as they expected, the other, that the bottle was not full measure; they therefore desired him to mend both the quality and quantity in the next, since they intended him, and always gave the best price, half a crown a bottle, he promised an amendment as to both, and so went down, and indeed was as good as his word, drawing the best wine in the Cellar, and that in a Bottle of the largest size; they thanked him and for his encouragement to continue honest to them they gave him a shilling, he pocketed the money and left them, they drank on and finding their wine good, called for more, which they had: But mark the falsness and ingratitude of this rascally Drawer, he in short time first changed their wine, and gave them worse, and not contented with that likewise cheated them of their measure, he carried a bottle of wine and filled a glass out of it, when one of the Gentlemen who was not yet so dim sighted but he could see somewhat of the intended cheat, cry’d hold Drawer, let me see that Glass and Bottle, and thereupon poured the wine into the bottle which was indifferent full but looking on the bottle, and seeing it was very small, he said: surely this Bottle does not hold a full quart, Oh Lord! Sir, said the Drawer, do you think I would wrong you? I do not know; replyed the Gentleman, but I much distrust it, you have no cause replyed the Drawer, for I am sure that bottle is full measure, what will you wager of that said the Gentleman? any thing you will, said the Drawer: But do you think I would put any tricks upon Gentlemen I have so great respect for, no surely? But said the Gentleman I must and will be satisfied, that you may quickly be, replyed the Drawer, for I will fetch a new sealed quart pot and measure it, this was agreed upon, and in short time up comes the Drawer with a quart pot in his hand, being come to the Table he takes the bottle and pours the wine out of that into the quart pot, which when looked upon was full as it ought to be, now said one to the Gentleman who complained, you have wronged the honest Drawer and must give him satisfaction for the abuse, truly replyed he, I was very much mistaken, and my mind still gives me that there is some cunning trick and cheat in this contrivance, and that it is not as it appears to be; truly replyed the Drawer, if you think I have done you any abuse you do me wrong, and besides the great respect I have for you who are my Masters best Customers, I know if I should attempt to wrong you, my Master would be much troubled and would not keep a Servant in his House that should do it; well for all this replyed the Gentleman, I pray let me see the bottle and quart pot, the Drawer delivered him the quart pot freely, but parted from the bottle with much unwillingness, but in fine the Gentleman had them both when presently he takes the quart pot and out of that filled the bottle, and then he found the Cheat, which was this; there was more than half a pint of wine left in the quart pot, how now, said the Gentleman who is wronged now, where lies the Cheat? The Drawer seeing himself found out and fearing he should be beaten replyed, I do not know, and so turn’d his back and left them; great was the admiration of the whole company, of the management of this cheat, but much more at the impudence of the Drawer; now they all perceived that the Drawer when he went down into the Cellar to bring up a quart pot, brought wine in it, and that above half a pint, the acting of the thing it self was not so much as the manner, that this knavish Drawer should be so impudent as to stand in it, and justifie it with language, when as if he had not been too confident, and so soon as he had put the wine into a quart pot had immediately gone away, he might have escaped undiscovered; but it was his fortune so to be found out to the great admiration of the whole company, who although they found themselves cheated, yet were hugely pleased with the manner, and made it their discourse in all Taverns they came into for a long time after; but I believe it was to as little purpose with others, as with our folks, for when any such tricks or cheats have been told in our house, our people would only give them the hearing, and seem to be astonished with the discourse, but be never a whit the better for it, but immediately upon the next opportunity do the same thing or as bad, and this was their constant practice; they would draw wine in glass bottles that were so thick at the bottom that when they were empty they were as heavy as if they were half full, and also batter’d pots that would not hold out measure, and sometimes would fill a pot not above three quarters full, and when the Drawer brought it in, he would presently fill out a glass, and stare them in the face as Juglers do when they are about their Hocus Pocus, slight of hand tricks, and so carry it off, and out of pretence to civility to fill the first glasses they would do it, but their end was quite different, it being only to deceive them and to hinder them from seeing the false measure that is brought them, which cannot be discovered when a glass or two is filled out.
Mine Host was finely caught one day with a pot not being filled: Two Old Country men coming to our house in a morning called for a quart of wine, the Drawer believing they were to be choused, brought up a quart pot, but it was little more than half full, he intended they should have it raw, but it being a cold morning, they bad him rost it, that is put it to the fire and burn it; he was now at a loss in not filling out the first glass, but not knowing how to help it, he did set it down before the fire, and I suppose, he intended to fill it up afterwards, but he forgetting that, and the old men being busie in discourse forgot to look to it, when on a sudden they look’d, and the pot was melted almost half way down, which was as far as there was no wine in it; with that the maid seeing it call’d out to them, what honest men do you melt your pot? Not we, said they, it is the fire, but you are like to pay for it, replyed the wench, that is when we do, said they, at this mine Host came up, the maid tells how that these two old men had been telling their Canterbury tales so long that the pot was melted, then they must pay for it said mine Host, for it was given to their charge; thereupon the Drawer was call’d, who likewise averred that he gave them the pot with the wine into their charge and custody, and that therefore they ought to look after it, and since it was damaged to pay for it. They replyed, they took no charge of it, neither did they touch it, but only ordered him, to burn it well: mine Host said they should pay, and they said they would not, whereupon he threatened them with a Justices Warrant; they were somewhat unwilling to be troubled, and were content to pay for the wine, and allow six pence more for mending the pot, mine Host replying that would not do, for it could not be mended, and he must have a new one; they seeing him so unreasonable, were content the Justice should decide the Controversie; wherefore before the Justice they went, and mine Host there made his Complaint that those two men had melted his quart pot, and refused to pay for it. The Justice perceiving where the matter lay, and that he told his tale wrong, desired the men to speak, who in plain terms told him they took no charge of the pot, but onely desired the Drawer to cause Wine to be burnt, that he had accordingly set it down by the fire, and without their handling or touching it, the pot was melted. So, said the Justice, and did neither of you drink of the Wine? No, not one drop, replyed the old men, and yet we offered to pay for the Wine, and give sixpence towards mending the pot. This is more than you shall need to do, said the Justice, & then he thuss proceeded to mine Host.