Friend, with what confidence can you demand any money of these men that had nothing of you? since you would not do them justice, I will; I do hereby acquit them from paying any thing for Wine, because they never had any; and for the melting the pot, how did they do it? It was not they, but your servant who drew the Wine, who had he filled the pot full of wine, the fire could not have melted it; for I very well understand that the pot was melted no further than it was empty: And further, continued the Justice, this shall not serve your turn, for I shall Fine you for not filling your pot; Your Crime is very apparent and evident, and so shall your punishment be, and I order you, as a Fine, to pay down Twenty shillings for your misdemeanor, or else I shall make your Mittimus, and send you to Prison. Thus was the Case altered, and the Tale was now of another Hog; for mine Host who expected satisfaction, was forced to give it, and that immediatly, or else go to Prison.
This went against the hair, but Necessity hath no Law, and therefore down he paid the money, and came home heartily vexed, not so much for the money he had paid, as for the disgrace he received; for he was now become the Town-talk: But however, since he could not help the disgrace, he was forced to be contented with that; but for his loss, he soon fetch’d it up either in false measures, Over-reckonings, or some such practises as I have told you. And besides these extraordinary gains he made by Drink, he had his ways to cheat in Victuals, he would reckon for a Dish of anchoves that stood him in ten pence, or a shilling, two shillings or half a Crown at the least; and carry them in a large Dish an inch asunder from one another. Whestphalia Ham of Bacon he would cut so thin, and make such a large show of a little meat, that he would reckon two shillings for that which stood him in two groats; nay, and sometimes be paid six pence for fouling of Linnen to it. A Neats-tongue of two shillings, he would reckon four shillings, or four shillings six pence for it, nay though they were cheated of part of it, as I remember he was caught in the manner about one. A Neat’s-tongue being call’d for, and carried in to the Guests, but first (as the manner is) it was slit down quite through the middle, and not barely so, but mine Hostess her self had gelded it, and cut off from each side a fine large slice, which she intended for some other Gentlemen in the House, to draw down th’other Bottle of wine. This Neats-tongue being carried to the Guests, one of them complained of the cutting it, saying, he had rather have had it whole; for (said he) there is less loss in cutting it in slices cross-ways than this. Why (said another) you may do so still, and thereupon he took the Tongue and clapt it together again, but it would not come close by above half an inch; and they discovered the place, where it had been pared, to look wide like a mouth: they perceiving the cheat, were resolv’d to try a little farther experiment, and therefore called in for mine Host, who with a Sit you merry Gentlemen came in: Landlord (said one) I pray what do you reckon for this Neats-Tongue? Not above four shillings, or four shillings sixpence, said he: I but that is too much reply’d the man, this is but a little one, and I think not a whole one. How! reply’d mine Host, not a whole one! that were a good jest indeed; I say tis a whole one, and a large one too. I’le wager a quart of Sack (said the Gentleman) that you are mistaken; Done, said mine Host: whereupon the Neats-Tongue was clapt together, and mine Host quickly saw that he had lost; he began to flounce and fluster, saying, that some of the company had done it; but leaving the Room, and going to his wife in the Kitchin, he soon found that he had lost indeed: the company being good guests to the house he was unwilling to displease them; wherefore he drew a quart of wine, went in and acknowledged his error, and paid for it, excusing the matter as well as he could, and they took all in good part. Thus was he sometimes caught, and paid for it; but not once in twenty times but he caught his guests, and made them pay for it. They would not only cheat their guests, but their own servants bellies; for except they had good trading, that the Servants might feed on the reversione of their guests dinners, they were like to go without, or at least have a poor one: she was very niggardly, and when they had salt fish, which was commonly once a week, she would allow them neither Oyl nor Butter, but only Mustard, but she was broken of that custom in this manner; after they had one day din’d with fish, drest as I tell you, down stairs went one servant, then another, and so one after another they all dropt away and went into the Cellar; where when they were come, the Drawer said, now to our old Custom, that is, since we have had no oyl nor butter, to our fish, we will soak it in sack, my friends, and that of the best, every one his half pint, and so away to our business: mine Host having some business with some of the servants, and finding them all missing, went to the Cellar door, and there he not only heard this proposition made by the Drawer, but saw it also confirmed and executed; whereupon he went to his wife, and commanded her for the future to allow his servants not onely oyl with their mustard to their salt fish, but butter and eggs too if they would have it, and so they had for the future. I have known mine Host sell and take money for one Joynt of meat twice, in this manner: when a Feast hath been above stairs, Joynts of Meat, and Fowles that have hardly been touched, have been brought down and sold to guests below, as fresh brought from the fire, at a very good rate: indeed no opportunity hath been omitted, to gain money. There was a pretty passage hapned about a couple of guests, that upon occasion lay there two or three nights together; thus it was: two men came one night to lodge, and being not well in health, it having been cold and rainy, they desired a good fire in their Chamber, which they had without any supper, or any drink, but a quart of burnt wine, and so they went to bed: the next day proving cold and rainy and their business not being very urgent, they continued there, and kept their Chamber, with little victuals, and as little drink; but however they kept a good fire, and mine Host seeing they had little else but fireing, was resolved he would get sufficiently by that, and therefore the next morning when they call’d to know what was to pay, he reckoned them ten shillings for fireing for two nights and one day: this demand they thought was very unreasonable, but, they knew that they could not help themselves, for he would have what he demanded; and besides, to say truth, firing was very scarce and dear in that Country: the two Travellers paid their shot, and intended to leave the house, but the weather proved so cold and stormy, they could not; wherefore they were forced to stay; but they resolved withall to be better Husbands of their fireing than they had been, but could not tell how, till in the end looking about the house they saw a great old fashion’d Bed-stead, that lay useless in a Hole: they not telling for what use, asked my Landlord the price of it, who not dreaming of their purpose, in few words sold it to them for five shillings; when they had bought it, they hired a fellow for one shilling to cut it in pieces fit for fireing; and now being furnished with fewel, they resolved to keep a good fire which they did, and calling for mine Host, and a quart of wine, bad him welcome to their good Husbandry; for the wood they had bought of the bed-stead was as much agen as they had paid ten shillings for, wherefore they made a good fire, and sung old rose in the gun-room. Mine Host being thus beaten at his own weapons, and his own Goods by himself sold to his loss, was somewhat netled, and discovered his anger to his servants. Master (said the unhappy boy) if you please I’le be revenged of them: do if you can (said the Master) not doing mischief. The boy having a commission, was not long e’re he put it in execution; for joyning another Servant in confederacy with him, they went that evening to wait on the two guests, when among other matters they talked of spirits and apparitions; quoth the boy, we are often troubled with them here, and especially in this Chamber: I am sorry for that (said one of our Travellers) for I am very fearful of any such things: and thus the boy possed them with fear of that which he intended and executed; for about midnight he and his confederate took a Calf out of the Cow-house, and tying his four legs together, but so as he might not only stand, but go a little; they put him into our Travellers chamber, and there waited the event; it was not long e’re the Calf began to pace it about the Room, making an unusual noise; and in this manner he continued stamping[stamping] till both our Travellers were awake, who hearing the noise, were possessed with fear and astonishment, supposing it to be a spirit that was told them of: thereupon they shrunk close into the bed for fear; the noise continuing, and no harm or danger coming to them, at length one of them consented to rise and light a candle to see what was the matter; a candle was found, and some remains of fire being still in the chimney, thither he went: and stooping down fell a blowing with his mouth to light the candle, the Calf seeing a light, went thitherwards, and espying somewhat that was pendulous between the Travellers Legs, and taking it to be his Mother Cows Teat, thrust his chaps thitherwards, and seizing it in his mouth, fell full lustily to sucking, the Traveller perceiving himself caught by the Members, and not knowing by what, and being in fear of losing them, fell a roaring very loud, to the great sorrow and grief of his bed-fellow, and as great joy of our unhappy Boy and his Confederate.
CHAP. XI.
Six Country Blades steal a Goose and two Hens; by the contrivance of two of them and the Host; the other four pay soundly for them, and laugh at their Companions. A Traveller by a mistake lies with another mans Wife. A noise of Fidlers are forced to pay for their sawciness.
The poor Traveller, who was thus used by the Calf, still continued his roaring out, and the Calf being hungry, did suck very hard, but to no purpose, our young Crack-rope and his Companion still listening and laughing: but in fine, the noise continuing, and they doubting that there was more than sport, they entered the Chamber, where they saw the Calf close to the Traveller, but could not tell what he did there; but the Traveller still making a noise, they came near, and perceiving the Calfs mistake; they thrust somewhat into his mouth, and thereby disingaged him from the Travellers Bawble: He still lay on the Ground whilst they carried the Calf out of the Chamber, soon returning with a lighted Candle to see what was the matter: the Traveller was by that time somewhat come to himself, and feeling that he had lost nothing, was indifferently satisfied: they being now entered the Chamber, asked what was the matter? and wherefore he made so much noise? he now looking about the Chamber, and seeing nothing but People with a light, whom he knew, could not well tell what answer to give, only he told them, that the Devil, or some wicked Spirit had been there, and he had like to have been mischiev’d by him, but that now he found himself well again: his Fellow-Traveller likewise said that there had been some walking in the Chamber, but what it was, and wherefore his Companion roared out, he knew not: in fine, they who had done the mischief were thanked for their readiness to come and assist them; and so with some perswations our Traveller went to bed again, where he lay till the next morning, although he slept not, so great was his fear of the foul Fiend; but so soon as morning came they both arose, and though the weather still continued cold and rainy, yet they could not be perswaded to stay any longer in our Inn, but paying their reckoning left it, and half their wood behind them; so that mine Host was now no looser by this bargain, it being ready cleft to sell to the next cold Guest that should arrive there.
The last passage hapned in the Winter time, a little before Christmas, which soon after coming, we had two or three notable Accidents that befel in our Inn; the first was this: half a dozen of young Country Blades had been abroad a Fowling, or a Fooling rather, and among other purchase that they had, they coming near a Farm-house where there was store of Poultry, at two shots which they made, they kill’d two Hens and a Goose: this with the rest of their Game they brought to our house to be dressed against the next day for dinner: they drank some bottles of wine when they brought them, and being merry (said one) we will to morrow drink a health to the owner of the Hens and Geese: well, that we will (said another,) but I would not for forty shillings that he should know of it, for if he did, I doubt he would make us pay sawce: and truly I am yet somewhat fearful that we shall be discovered: so am I, said another, and so a third; well, if we be found out we can pay for them, and my share shall be ready. This was their discourse, and so for that time they parted; but it was not long ere two of the Company returned, and calling for a bottle of wine fell heartily a laughing; and (sayes the one to the other) I am resolved it shall be so, and with the assistance of mine Host we may carry the matter very closely; and thereupon mine Host was call’d for: he being come, they told him that they must have his assistance in a design, which he promised should not be wanting, and thereupon one of them thus began: mine Host, we have this day, as you know, been a Fowling, and part of what we brought in we plunder’d for, or in plain English, stole; now some of our Company are very conscious of their guilt and are not only penitent, but fearful; now it is our design to increase their fear, and get some money out of them to make us merry; and thus we have contrived it: to morrow when we are towards the latter end of our dinner, I would have you to tell us, that there is a Country fellow, who enquires for such persons as we are, and likewise that he was here as this day to enquire of us, and that he talks of a warrant that he hath against us about some Poultry his Master lost, and that he suspected us to be guilty; and withal you may add, that he is resolved to have the Law against us, and that you have had much adoe to perswade him to be patient till we had din’d. Mine Host having heard the instructions, was no Fool, but soon understood them, and procur’d a Country Fellow to manage the business so well, that they should be all startled, only (said he) you shall allow him half a Crown for his labor, and the rest that he gets of you (for I know you intend a Composition) shall be justly return’d you. Thus was this Affair agreed on, and accordingly the next day managed: for the Guests also came at the hour appointed, and merrily drank about till Dinner was brought in; which being come they fell to eating, and the Goose being well nigh eaten, a Glass of Wine was call’d for to drink a Health to the Owner, and mine Host himself was then call’d for up to make one in the Frolick: he being come, and seeing whereabouts Causes went, thought it now a fit time to begin, and therefore he thus bespeaks the Company: Gentlemen, I understand your Health, and shall willingly drink it, but if I be not mistaken, you will have but little cause to be so merry on this occasion: why? what’s the matter, says one? what’s the matter, said another? I’le tell you presently, reply’d mine Host, but first let us drink; whereupon up went his Glass, and down Gutter-lane went the Wine, and mine Host being grave in his Countenance, and slow in his Speech, they all, as amazed, star’d either on him or one another, wondring what should be the meaning of mine Host’s Speech: At length he spake, and acquainted them with the business, just as he and two of the Company had agreed on; then having done, added farther, That he had endeavoured to underfeel the Fellow that was below, but he found him very obstinate, and doubted very much that he woad make no end but what the Law should: How! (said one) is your fooling come to this! Oh Lord! (said another) we have brought our Hogs to a fair Market: Well (said a third) but what must we do in this case? Truly (said mine Host) if I may advise you, I would have one of you go down to treat with the Fellow, and see what composition you can draw him to: This was in the end thought to be the best way, and thereupon one went down with mine Host; so soon as the Country-man saw him (being well instructed in every thing) he cries out, nay, I am sure I am in the right, for though the man hath changed his Clothes, yet that won’t serve his turn: I know you well Sir, said he, by your hair and beard: What do you know replyed the guest? why I know, said the Country-man that you are one of the six that stole my Masters two Hens and Goose; I saw you well enough when you did it, and know you all well enough when I see you again; I follow’d you hither yesterday, & see you hous’d, and able to swear before Mr. Justice that you are the persons; and my Master is resolved to prosecute you, for he hath lost as much Poultry this winter as is worth five pound, and now we have found you you shall pay for all. How! (said the Guest) surely you do not mean as you say; one body may be like another, and you may be mistaken; and besides, if it were so, that we were the Parties, you mean yet a great deal less than five Pound, which I hope will serve the turn for two hens and a goose, which you say is all you lost. I (said the fellow) that is all indeed that we lost yesterday, but I tell you five pound will not pay for all my Master hath lost within this moneth, and my Master and I both believe you had them all, or else you would not so readily have found the way into our yard; and therefore I say, and so my Master sayes, that you shall pay for them. Nay friend, (said mine Host) I pray let me perswade you to be more reasonable in your demands; reason me no reasons,(said the fellow) it was unreasonable for them to come and rob my Master, and therefore I will not be reasonable; I am sure I shall lose my share of Goose and other Poultry this Christmas, that I should have had, had not we been robb’d. Nay but come, (said mine Host) let me take up this matter: I say you shall not, (reply’d the Fellow) the Justice shall know the matter, and no body else; but if they be your friends, if you will make an end, and pay me the money, I’le be rul’d by you. Whereupon mine Host took the Fellow by the Arm, and leading him into a drinking room, said, come let you and I talk a little further of this matter, and in the mean time, said he to the Guest, go you up to your Friends and confer with them about it. How, said the fellow, you mean to lead me out of the way while they get away from me. No, replyed mine Host, I’le pass my word for their appearance. Nay, that matters not much, quoth the fellow; for I have such a Warrant in my pocket, as will fetch them again in the Devils name. Having thus said, he and mine Host went to drink a pot of Ale together, and laugh a while; in the mean time our Guest went up to his companions to relate how things were like to go with the fellow, but he needed not tell them, for they being all concern’d, had listned at the stairs head to what the Fellow had said, and therefore knowing in what case they were, they all agreed to contribute to the fellows satisfaction, but they thinking five pounds were too much, grumbled at the demand, but was resolved to give that rather than fail, and have further trouble. One of the two confederates seeing how matters went, and though he was willing to put a trick upon his companions, yet thought five pounds was too great a sum to get by waggery, he therefore made a proposal that he would go down to the fellow and mine Host and treat with them, and he would warrant to get the business of for a great deal less: They were soon content with the proposition, whereupon down he went, and after some time spent with mine Host and the Country man, he returned, saying, Come, come Friends, draw your moneys, for I have ended the Controversie, and I hope to your content; we must be Noble-men, a Noble a piece, in all Forty shillings is the sum agreed upon to compound this brabling Business, and herein we are much engaged to mine Host for his civility, who hath much perswaded the fellow, and indeed the fellow by his perswasions is brought to be so civil, that I have promis’d him Half a Crown for himself. All the Company were all well contented with this Composition, and thereupon readily laid down their money, which one of our Confederates pretended to carry down to the fellow, but he put it up in his own pocket, onely giving him the Half Crown he had promised, and ordering half a dozen of Beer more for managing the Affair so handsomly. And thus was this Adventure ended, and in short time the Company separated, but the two Confederates soon came back again, and shared stakes of the moneys, and there they laughed at the easiness and credulity of their Companions, and mine Host was as merry as they, and had as much cause, for if the Proverb be true, Let them laugh that win, he was sure to win most, and therefore might well laugh; for he made them pay sawcily for the Sawces to their Goose, and in the confusion they were then in, it was no hard matter to mis-reckon them several bottles of Wine, and the two Confederates who onely managed this Affair to make sport and not for gain, delivered all their profits, which was 26s. 8d. into mine Hosts hands to be spent two or three days after, when they were to bring more company to laugh at this Adventure, and I remember they then came, and mine Host knowing they came easily by their moneys, was resolved to put in for a share of it, and so he did, and had it; for they had but three Dishes of Fish, but he again made them pay for their Sawce, reckoning fourteen shillings for that and dressing it, although the Fish it self did cost but half so much; these were his Tricks.
But there was about that time such a trick plaid by a mistake, as I have seldom heard of: Several Companies were in the house and lodged there, and it being long nights, much of that tedious time was spent in Gaming, and higgedly piggedly one with another, all Companies mixt in that pastime; but it growing late, those that were weary and sleepy dropt away to bed: Among the rest, one man who had a very handsome woman to his Wife went to bed, and his Lodging was in a Chamber where there was another Bed; the man being in Bed, laid his wearing Clothes, viz., Doublet, Breeches and Cloak upon him, and putting out the candle went to sleep; in short time after, another single man who was to lodge in the Bed in the same Chamber went up, and walking about, a conceit came into his head, that it was probable he might have a Shee-bedfellow, and in order thereto he thus carried his on Design: He put off his own Clothes, and laid them very orderly on the Bed where the man was asleep, first taking off those of his Chamber-fellows, and when he had done, he very fairly spread them on the Bed he was to lye in; having done this, he went to bed and put out his Candle, expecting the event, which happened to be so as he hoped and expected; for not long after up came the woman, intending to go to bed to her Husband, undrest herself, and seeing and well enough knowing her Husbands clothes, believing that to be a sufficient sign of her Husbands being there, not looking on the face which was purposely hid, she put out her Candle & went to Bed to the wrong man, who although he pretended then to be asleep, yet he did her right before morning; for she still supposing it was her husband, gave him free liberty to do what he would. Her bed-fellow, though he had taken much pains and was weary, yet towards morning considering that if this matter were discovered, he might have sower Sauce to his sweet Meat, studied and contrived how to come off as well as he had come on, and therefore turning to his Bed-fellow and kissing her, &c. as a Farewel, he pretended to rise and make water, went out of the Bed; he soon found the way to his Chamber-fellows Beds side, and there took off his clothes, dress’d himself and departed. The woman missing her Bed-fellow, which she thought had been her Husband, much wondred what was become of him, and lay and studied in great confusion, she knew not what to do or say, and she began to distrust that she had a wrong Bedfellow, especially when she consider’d with herself that her Husband was not wont to be so kinde: when she was partly sensible of the mistake, she could not tell how to think of a remedy; if she should arise and go into the other Bed, she might chance to be mistaken again, and therefore in this confusion she knew not what to do: whilest she was in these thoughts a maid with a Candle appeared, who passing through the Room gave her clear sight that her Husband was in the other Bed, she therefore resolved now to rise, take her Clothes, and go to Bed to her Husband; but he who had slept hard all night was now awaked with the noise of the maid passing through the Chamber, and therefore he leaps out of the Bed and felt for a Chamber-pot, at the length he found one, having used it, and going to return to Bed where he had layen, his wife then took the opportunity to call to him, saying, Sweet-heart, whither go you? you mistake your Bed: No sure, said the man, where are you? Here, she said; he hearing her voice soon found out where she was, but could not presently be perswaded that he had layen there all night, you shall see that by and by, replyed she, when you can see your clothes on this Bed: if it be so, then you are in the right said he, and that he agreed to soon after day light appeared and he seeing his clothes on the Bed, was satisfied: and thus was his business done, and he not knew it, and the woman in the morning enquiring for the man who had been her Chamber-fellow, could not finde him; she was earnest in her inquiry after him, and this raised some jealousie in me, but I was soon after resolved of all by the man himself, who came again to our house and told me. This was a fine Christmas Frolick, I will adde one more, and so have done with them.
The Fidlers of our Town haveing had good trading this Christmas were grown proud and surly, and had abused some Gentlemen, who told mine Host of it; he who was good at inventing mischief, soon contrived a way to be revenged of them, and in order thereunto, the next day a considerable Dinner was bespoke, and the Fidlers were sent for to attend and play to them, which they did all Dinner. The Gentlemen having dined, the Fidlers had the Remains for their Dinner, and then again they fell a tuning their instruments and played lustily, whilest the Guests drank of their Cups as roundly; at length they fell to Dancing, and many Countrey Dances they had, spending the day in all manner of Jovial[Jovial] and Sprightly Recreations; the night being come, and therefore a fit time to put their plot in execution, they again Danced several Rambling Dances, and anon they all desired and agreed to Dance the Cushion-dance, which they did, and in their humours rambled from one Room to another all over the house, this musick pacing it afore them, and now one dropt away, and anon another, till in the end all the Guests were gone, and none were left but the Fidlers, who still plaid on expecting their Company. Mine Host seeing it was now time came into them, and causing them to cease their playing, asked where are the two guests? they reply’d they knew not: no, said he, if you do not finde them, you are like to suffer; for if you have played away my Guests, you shall pay their reckoning: he was so peremptory in his demands, that it was to no purpose to contradict it; and the reckoning amounting to three pounds, he made the five Fidlers pay ten shillings a man, and told them he was a looser in abaiting them ten shillings of his reckoning; they were forced and could not help it, and therefore paid down their dust, and they who had not money enough were fain to leave their Fidles, and go home without, and end Christmas to the Tune of Lachrymæ.