Mistress Mary continues the story of the young Gentleman; relates how a Cheat (with two more) pretending to be a Countrey man, performed a very profitable but most comical exploit on a Shop keeper; she is interrupted by the Arrival of her comrades; Meriton Lattroon enters into a Pleasant Dialogue with her; his Indian wife falls in love with Mistress Mary and Mistress Dorothy, disguis’d in mans apparel: and a pleasant Adventure there upon.
Thus (said Mistress Mary) did the Gentleman discourse of the French manner of Thieving and Cheating, which was after a more confident and bold manner than that of our Countrey-men; and their manner of picking pockets was, I told him a great Novelty; he replyed that he could relate many such tricks that were done at his being there; two more whereof, continued he, I will tell you, and so conclude.
Three Cheats intending a piece of roguery, had aparelled themselves like Countrey-men; and two sauntring in the Street, one of the other went into a Shop-keeper, whom they saw was alone in his Shop, and tells him that he was a Countrey-man, and had born all offices in the Parish where he liv’d: and was now Church-warden, and that he was come to Town to lay out a little money for the use of the Parish; but more especially to buy a Cope for the Parson; and, said he, I would buy a good one though it cost me the more money: and thereupon fetch’d several and shew’d him: he turn’d many of them over, but still desired to see better, at length one was brought which he seemed to like: but, said he to the Shop-keeper, I doubt it is too short: no, said the Shop-keeper, it is long enough of all conscience, and thereupon measured it upon the Country-man: who said, I cannot tell by this measuring, whether it be long enough or no: but our Parson is a man much about your pitch, and therefore I pray do you put it on, and I shall be better satisfied, the Shop-keeper to satisfie his Customer, did so; and our cheating Church-warden did assist, and help him to put it on; but in doing it, he clapt his hand into the Shop-keepers pocket, and drew from thence a purse of money, the Shop keeper perceiv’d it, and caught hold of his Customer, but he slipping out of his hand, shew’d him a fair pair of heels, and the Shop-keeper without putting off the Cope followed him; in the mean time the other two of our cheats Companions acted their parts, for the one went into the shop, and taking the next bundle of goods that came to hand went away, and the third doubting that if the Shop-keeper kept his pace he might overtake his Companion whom he pursued; he therefore having plac’d himself in the way on purpose, catches hold on the Shop-keeper, and sayes, O Lord Master Doctor! what makes you thus distracted? as to run in the streets in this unseemly manner: the Shop-keeper told him that he was mistaken, he was no Parson, and that he was in pursuit of a fellow that robb’d him; by this time our Cheat who was pursued, had turned a corner of a Street, and was out of sight; and the Neighbors coming out to see what was the matter, perswaded the Shop-keeper to go home again and put off that Garment, and then go look for the Cheater; he did so, but there he found that he had a second loss, which made him more angry than before, especially when he considered that he was without all remedy, not being able to discover who they were that had shown him this clenly conveyance.
Another time said the Gentleman, a couple of these bold rogues understanding that a Gentle-man was newly come from travel; and having enquired into and been acquainted with many particulars in his Journey, were resolved to get money out of him; and therefore waiting a time and place convenient, and seeing him walking with another Gentleman, one of these bold rogues thus accosts him: Sir, your very humble servant, I am very joyful to see you after your return; although you have travelled several Countries since I saw you last, yet you are not one jot alter’d: but you are, replyed briskly the Gentleman, if ever I saw you before, for to the best of my remembrance this is the first time: I shall bring you, reply’d the Confident, to be of another mind when I tell you that my name is Mounsieur Brisack, and that you and I travell’d many a mile together, and were very merry at such and such places, naming them; I hope Sir, continued he, that you do remember that we staid three dayes at such a place, and then departed, having very bad way, and a tedious Journey to such a place, still naming the places, and there we met with such and such Gentlemen, who continued in our companies a fortnight, all the while we staid there; and we came to such and such a place. All this reply’d the Gentleman, and all those Persons I very well remember; but indeed Mounsieur Brisack, if your name be so, I do not at all remember you; but since you give me so good an account of my Journey, I must needs believe you to be acquainted with me in those parts; and since you are so, I pray how doth Mounsieur Langone? very well, reply’d our Cheat; he intends to be here in short time, and then I will bring him to you that we may renew our acquaintance: I shall be glad of the opportunity, reply’d the Gentleman, and so good Mounsieur Brisack, said he, till then I shall be your humble Servant; yours Sir, reply’d the Cheat; but I pray, Sir, do you now remember me? yes, yes, reply’d the Gentleman; then I hope reply’d the Cheat, you will also remember that I did you a small courtsie in the time of our acquaintance; what was it? said the Gentleman, that I may acknowledge it; and thank you; no great matter, Sir, said the Cheat, it was but a friendly office, we ought to do so for one another at such a distance; I do not understand you, said the Gentleman; you are very forgetful, said the Cheat, but I hope that as now you remember me, so you will remember to pay me that little money you borrowed of me at such a place; I know nothing of it, reply’d the Gentleman; I lent it to you replyed the Cheat, by the same token, that your Horse was taken lame in one legg, and you were forc’d to leave him behind you, and take another: truly, replyed the Gentleman, the token is good, but I do not remember the other matter; but I hope you will, reply’d the Cheat, and pay me for your Credit-sake before it comes to the hearing of our Fellow-travellers; how much do you say it was, reply’d the Gentleman; but twenty Crowns, a small sum, and soon paid; I know you are not without so much money about you, and if you please to pay it me now, it will do me as great a kindness in receiving it now, as it did you when I lent it; well replyed the Gent. if it be so, when Mounsieur Langone returns I will pay you, which you say will be in short time; I hope Sir, replyed the Cheat, you will not injure me so much as to put me to stay so long, when you promised me to pay it at our next meeting, and besides, Sir, it will not be for your Credit to let him or any of our Fellow Travellers know that you boggle at the payment of such a driblet as twenty Crowns: and thus did he importune the Gentle-man for payment, by telling him that he had now acknowledged it before witness, and that if he would not quietly pay, he would compel him to it: so that the Gentleman to purchase his quiet gave him what he demanded, lest, as he said, he should shame him.
Whilst Mistress Mary was busied in the recital of what was afore delivered, and intending to have proceeded in the same discourse; she was interrupted by the return of the Captain, Drugster, and Scrivener, and Gregory; and her looks and colour discovered to the Capt. that she had play’d the extravagant in the use of that liberty & freedom which he freely gave her, and could not contain himself from expressing some resentments thereof: and addressing his discourse to me in a fleering manner, come Master Meriton Latroon (said he) I shall know you better by degrees, and do fear I shall find you too much guilty of the humour of the Turks and Italians, who unaturally[unaturally] delight in the society of young men: they are pretty Smock-fac’d Lads, how do you like them, Sir, if you could procure a change of their Sex, would not either of them serve for fine play-fellows.
I think (said I) they are best as they are, without any change; nay, with your pardon, good Captain, I know it an undeniable truth, which your own frequent experience doth, or must acknowledge; their unsuitable habits, I confess at first muffled up, or quite darkned all former knowledge of them: but you must excuse them, if they did unmask themselves to be known to one, they once preferred before their own safeties and reputations. Your sweet William was once my little wanton Mally, whom with many more, I first beguiled by hiring my self in womans apparel, as a Servant maid in a boarding School. This other whom you call George, was a Country-girl, whose beauty and good feature disarm’d me in the road, as I went on the Pad, and although I had never seen her till then, I was so passionately in love with her, that I never rested till I had obtained my desires on her, which effected, I ungreatfully left her.
This said the Captain, is a thing I was wholly ignorant of till now, although from our friend Gregory I have been informed of the most remarkable passages of your life: such wonderful and unheard of transactions in one man’s life, that in his relation I thought him reading to me some Legend of incredibilities.
I replyed that I had reserved this secret with some others, to be discovered as occasion should serve, and that in time, nothing should be hid from him. And now Sir, said I, you nor the rest of your friends must not entertain a jealousie that I participate and share with them in your Mistress’s affections; to be plain if your belief of that raise in you any anger or revenge, you will discover thereby your folly most egregiously; for can you expect a constancy from such, who know they cannot live, but by being inconstant; they are like such who are upon a trading Voyage, it is not one Port, but a great many that makes up their market; neither are they like some Merchants who particularly trade to one place, as to Guiney, Hambrough, &c. They are generally trucking, or vending their commodities through the Universe: Mal, said I, you must not be angry that I thus plainly and boldly disclose the naked truth; pray on, Sir, said she; I shall exercise my patience in hearing your rallery, but I pray tell me when you are out of breath, that I may inform you of the infirmities and frailties that belong to your more noble Sex, and spare not ours; you will not be so unjust to deny me that liberty you take your self; a match, quoth I, and therefore I shall proceed. When you were but fourteen, you began like a Nut to grow brown at bottom, which you know will then drop or fall of it self, or I might more properly compare you to forward Summer fruit, which proves mellow in the non-age of the spring, but rotts by too soon falling, when more sollid fruit shall deny the nipping frosts of an approaching Winter. There is a Queen-apple, and a Bitter-sweet so call’d, you resemble the one in the lovely colour, the other in the distasteful Gusto: but since I speak of fruit, the most common resemblance is a Medlar, which is never good till rotten; such are you, never finer drest than in your winding sheet. Several of your Sex when married are but a parcel of Crab trees, wall’d in at a great charge. As for thy part, thou art like a honeycomb with a Bee in it, which infallibly stings him that tastes thereof: to be short, ye have fair tongues and false hearts; fine faces, but foul Consciences; pride prompts ye to all manner of prodigality, and lust leads ye to that loosness, which ruinates thousands in the destruction of yourselves. To conclude, I could love thee, but that thou art female, and would never have married, but that I thought it best expedient to bring me to repentance. Now Sir said she, I believe it is my time to speak, for I find by your straining, you are very needy; you have but little water left by the sucking of your Pump; I see where your plot lies clearly, by undervaluing me and our Sex, you would put our friends out of conceit with us and others, that you might make a Monopoly of our Sex; be advised Sir, your Patent will not be worth the procuring, if we are so variable and wavering, as you would falsly make the world believe, you have Marshall’d up a fair company of Metaphors, that your wit might flutter in our disparagement. Our sailing from port to port to advance our profit, is not so discomendable as you would have it, since it is rather our misfortune to meet with such Bank-rupts, Broken-merchants, who have neither stock nor credit to barter with us for our wares. Surely your wit is mightily improv’d (since your poor Poetry you writ to my friend Doll, which she related to me was almost all the reward she had for her lost Virginity) it skipt so nimbly from Pole to Pole, from Sea to Land, to fetch a Lean starvelin of a conceit, and that was the comparing of us to ripe Nutts, or Nutts brown at bottom as you well know; for all we are slip-shell’d were it not for truanting-waggs who rushing into our Thickets shake us down; we might hang long enough, not like your Crack-ropes: and for your likening us to fruit soon ripe, and as soon rotten, I dare confidently aver that we might remain a long time on the tree, did not such unhappy Boys as you are throw stones at us. Lastly, you say our sweets are accompanyed with stings, I know not what you mean, but I am sure you stung this Gentlewoman and my self in that manner that the swelling lasted nine moneths, and by a Mid-wife was at last delivered of our pain. To conclude, with what force can you condemn us for inconstancy? when every new face you see shall change your affection, variety shall be as so many winds to blow your amorous pretences to more points than are contained within a Compass, and when you have had, after a long Seige, the Town (you sate down before) surrendered, you fall a plundring instantly, and it may be, after this, ingratefully set the Garrison on fire; if not, at leastwise curse the time and money you spent in your Conquest, throwing it off as a thing not worth the managing and keeping: No more (dear Mall, said I,) no more, what hitherto I have express’d, was but a tryal of thy wit, which since I find so pregnant, thy better parts, thy mind, I will endeavour to enjoy hereafter.
All the Company was greatly pleas’d with our Drollery, and now said I, Gentlemen, without trifling the time away too much, since we know one the others past lives, and present intentions; let us enter into a serious consultation, how we may advantage each others interest here, in order elsewhere. Although you, Sir (speaking to the Captain) have been in these parts twice or thrice before, yet I question not but the knowledge I have of this Country will prove as serviceable to our design, as any others that have been here a longer time besides the advantage of my projections; the Captain with all the rest readily consented to be advised with me in every thing, as giving me the priority in all manner of Roguery. Gentlemen, said I, the love I bear my own Countrey (although all Countries indeed, should not be such strangers to us, as not to make them absolutely our own, when necessity compels us thereunto) I say, having a longing desire to see Europe, and return for England, having now gotten something considerable for a future maintenance, I shall make it my whole business to take up what commodities I can on trust, and with what I have, and my self, I resolve to accompany you homewards; and that I may be the better wellcome among you, I will be assistant to you in the buying your commodities, and procuring you a credit withal.
These proposals commanded both their thanks and embraces, and to work we went immediately. But before I proceed to tell you how, and in what manner we enrich’d our selves by cheating and deceiving the Countrey: I must give you an account, that my she-black divil, my wife, had a moneths mind to no less than a brace of white Josephs, I mean my two Girls in mans apparrel; I confess the temptation was great enough to have deluded any other woman of more Christian principles; when I heard of it, I thought I should have dyed by the excess of laughter, and that I might have the more sport, I ordered my two Females not to discountenance her amorous desires. I have heretofore inform’d you that she was for feature and stature as handsome, and as proper as most Europeans, and had a natural genius, her Sex is not ordinarily endued withal: in the time of my living with her, I had taken considerable pains to teach her English of which she hath a competent understanding and utterance. Seeing me go very gentile and gallant, she disserted her own Country fashion, and thought herself obliged to be cloathed in mine, which I condescended to, not so much to please my eye, as to sport my fancy, for they became her as well as a Hat and Feather, Sword and Belt, with a Red-coat would become a Jack-an-apes riding before the Bears.