We had not many English-women among us, however she imitated every one of them in some thing or other, so that she seemed when drest to have borrowed of at least twenty women, and those Habiliments look’d as if they had been thrown on her with a pitchfork. She being extreemly smitten in love with these 2 handsome young men[men], as she thought them, began now to be less careless in her dress, but what disorders she endeavoured to rectifie and amend, she made a thousand times worse; she consulted her glass, and imagining her face was not naturally fair enough, that is, not black (for blackness is esteem’d by them as beauty, and tawniness the contrary) I say to correct that natural defect by Art, she got some Lamp[Lamp] black, or some thing like it, by which paint she resolved to be devilish fair.
I wondred to see my pretty sweetings face, all of a sudden so strangely chang’d, but I concerning my self but little with her, never demanded how it came, but according to my usual Custome went to bed, and not long after my wife followed me: I had drank very excessively that day, by which means I slept profoundly and was not sensible what her petulancy prompt’d her to when I was asleep; but certain I am, she did so all to bekiss me, and so rubb’d the black paint off her face upon mine, that none could tell which was the blacker of the two in the morning when I arose.
I got not out of bed till an hour after all the rest of the People in the house were up, and staying somewhat longer above than I usually did, she came up into the Chamber, and perceiving my face to be black, she was at a stand, not knowing what to say, or do; but at length concluded (as she confess’d afterwards) that her God was angry with her for loving any other white besides her Husband, and therefore had taken away his white face, and had given him a black one in the room: she retired down with much more reverance than usual, and was so amazed, that she spake not a word to any below. The Captain and his friends, with several of my own acquaintance were attending my coming down, who seeing my face thus discoloured, knew me not, yet knew my voice and clothes, and though I bid them good morrow, they returned me not the like civilty, but instead thereof, ask’d me whether I was not an impudent fellow to counterfeit another voice and wear his clothes? Gentlemen said I, are ye all mad, or have ye eyes that ye dare own? I am the man I was the last night I am very certain; you may have the same body, said the Captain, but the foul Fiend stole away thy head last night for being drunk, and left his own in its room; hereupon a Looking-glass was fetcht, and put it into my hands, but I no sooner saw my face in it, but it dropt out of my hands breaking all in pieces, and with the amazement of this sudden alteration, I was just ready to expire; now did all my former roguries come fresh into my memory, believing that they, with what I was now about to act, had rode poste to the Devil to inform him what I was; that he was come to fetch me away alive, and that he had lent me this hellish face, that I might be the fitter for his company in his Journey homeward.
The Company seeing me stand so like a changeling, could not forbear laughing till they held their sides, at length one of them came, and with a wet cloth rubbing my face, restored it me again, I could not imagine who should serve me this trick, or how it should be done, but at last recollecting my thoughts, I remembred that my wife of late seemed to me to be more than usually black; whereupon I call’d her to me, and with the same cloth I made her blackness vanish too. She perceiving I was inflam’d with rage and fury, fell upon her knees, and begging my pardon, she told me every circumstance of what she had done and design’d, concealing her real contrivance; that she had painted her face in that manner to increase my love, she said, and that in kissing me and laying her face to mine, (not imagining the black would come off) she had thus discoloured my face, and would never do so again: I was so far from being Angry with her, that I could not forbear laughing heartily, which renewed the like in my friends; however I charged her never to make herself fairer than she was again, and if I found her pride extend that way, I would devest her and reduce her to the Clout, it being all the clothes the indians wear, an insignificant fore covering; this troubled her more than if I should have gashed her flesh and fill’d the wound with salt, a punishment frequently used among them. Notwithstanding the ill success of her first project, yet she was resolv’d to prosecute her love but which she loved best, she could not tell, if there had been an half dozen more, she had room enough in her breasts to entertain them, and had affection to have scattered plentifully among them all.
CHAP. XXI.
Latroon’s Wife prosecutes her love, the manner of her extravagant Horse-courtship, inviting them to a bowl of Punch, she forc’d them to the Squeak, is discovered in her amours by her Husband and would have poysoned her self to escape his anger. Latroon brings his new Comrades into the acquaintance of the Bannian, whom by feasting him aboard and ashore, they make their friend in their knavish Design.
My Wife was none of those puling, whining, lovers, who not obtaining their desires, presently exclaim against the injustice of Heaven in not granting their wishes, and growing sullen to make amends for their Blasphemy, hang themselves, or cut their own throats. She had a certain way of Court-ship peculiar to herself, and a kind of Horse-play in her kissing, which was so strong and eager: that you must have a special care she did not beat some of your teeth down your throat; her embraces were as soft as a Bears, I think fully as strong, she hath made me sometimes in a merry humour, cry Oh: and therefore I cannot see how these striplings will escape with life should they be encirkled in her arms.
What kind of Rhetorick she used to perswade them with, I am not yet acquainted, but I understand she boarded them both at once and put them to the squeak, without uttering a word, and had not they fled for it, she had ransacked their carcasses to have tryed their Manhood, this made them ever after shun being alone with her, which made her so mad, that when she hath seen them in company, if by any means she could come at them, she would have pinch’d them by the arms, or else where, her fingers being as bad as a pair of pincers. She was ignorant of the way of winning them by Presents, or the subtle insinuation of fine words, varnished with love and Service; she was downright with them, if they would not love her, she would see whether she could make them; but that not doing, she was resolv’d to try whether drunkenness would operate any thing upon them. Whilst I and my new Associates were gone abroad to hasten our purposes of marching off together, she had prepar’d a Bowl of Punch, with other excellent Liquors, not omitting several Dishes of Sweetmeats; she strained her self at that time to the utmost to express her civillity and kindness, drinking often to them till at last she perceiv’d that the strength of those several Liquors they drank had elevated them; then did she in as good English as she was Mistress of, tell them that she lov’d them, and they must love her, that she had never seen such pretty white men before, with that she caught one of them about the neck, the other fearing they should be now discovered, indeavored to assist her Comrade, and struggled to disengage her hands from about her neck, but she being too strong, would not disengage her hold, but by main strength brought them both down to the ground together with her; just as my business calling me home, I entred the Room wherein I found my Spouse at Tantum Scantum with the two supposed young-men, tumbling all together promiscuously: I knew they could not if they would, and would not if they could make me a Cuckold, therefore I had no cause to be angry with any, but my Christian Infidel, and yet I had but little reason to be so with her, considering the brutishness of her nature, and barbarousness of her education: however so sensible she was of the injury she design’d to do me, that taking a Dagger out of her pocket, which she mightily delighted to carry always about her, she would have stabb’d her self, had I not prevented her, by forcing it out of her hands. I saw nothing but distruction and distraction in her eyes, and therefore, watcht her narrowly she would not mischief her self, or any else; she seeing that seem’d better compos’d, and stepping aside drawing a small Box out of her pocket, which she always made her Vade mecum, and was fill’d with the rankest poyson, she conveyed some of it into a Cup, and offer’d to drink to me, which she would have done, had I not dasht it out of her hand: she seeing me so careful of her preservation, imagined I had no evil will against her, she fell upon her knees again, and begg’d of me that I would kill her, for she deserv’d it, or take for my satisfaction as many wives as I pleas’d into the house, and she would not be offended at it in the least; I told her I would have no more wives than she, and that I would forgive her this time, so she would never do the like again.
She now trebled her diligence at home, whilst I exercised my wit abroad, among the Bannians I invited one of the principal of them home to a treat, a man of vast sway, and great credit in the Country; and having acquainted my new Correspondents, or fellow Conspirators of the time of our meeting, I ordered them to appear as splendidly as they could, according to the Custome of the Country; and to be noble in their expences, all which they performed so well, that they gain’d a great esteem with the Bannian; Moreover I informed him privatly; that the Captain (though an Interloper) was resolv’d not to be behind hand in the lading his Ship homeward, with the best Factor in the company, having Gold enough for that purpose, and that those young men that accompanied him to the indies were the sons of English Lords, that had brought with them great store of Gold to see this Country, and lay it out in the Commodities thereof: he hearkened to me with much attention, and having always had a very good oppinion for me, believ’d what I said to be no less than truth, and therefore desired me that I would perswade them that he might negotiate their Affairs for them; this was the thing I desired, which I should have offer’d him, had he not so happily prevented me by his own voluntary motion, and to encourage his willingness therein, I whispered the Captain in the ear aside, informing him that the Bannian was fully wrought upon, and that now he had not need to fear fraught at half credit, as I shall mannage the matter, I desired him to invite him abroad to morrow[morrow], and what friends he should think to bring along with him, which accordingly he did; after that we had been sufficiently merry together in my house, and though he was somewhat elderly, yet he was a very comely old man, and had wit and heat enough in him to play the Good-fellow: We had so liberally entertained him (and had so fitted every thing to his humour, I knowing his humour to a hair) that on his going away, he acknowledged infinite satisfaction in that he had received, promising for these civilities his utmost Service and Assistance; the Captain stopt him in his further acknowledgments, by assuring him they were nothing to what he and the Company intended for him, desiring him that he would favour them with his Company abroad the next day; the Bannian gratefully accepted the proffer, for he was a person that lov’d dearly his belly, and therefore the more willing and ready to accept our English treatment, which he knew was no niggardly one; but had he known what a stale purgation he should have had after all his feasting, he would have sooner swallowed a Pagod, than one single morsel.