As I laid hold on all opportunities to fill my belly, so some I studied; as for Example, twice or thrice a week we had a baked pudding; I bought me a little dish about the bigness of a Porringer, and out of the Pan I would fill it, a fruitful Pudding to have always a young one at the side on’t. The Dow which I commonly carried to the Bake-house, never went home so much in the Loaf, for I seldom failed to have a Cake out of it; both which I practised so long till my Aunt found me out, and soundly bang’d me for so doing. For these, and such like faults I was so often and so unmercifully beaten, that I was resolved to be reveng’d on her. One day she being invited abroad, I was resolved to be even with her at home in this manner, One pair of stairs she had a stately Dining-room, wherein there was a Cup-board on which (being spread with a very fine cloath) stood variety of all manner of curious Glasses, such as she valued above her Plate, and took great delight in them, being prouder of shewing those to her guests, than some are in appearing in a fine new Gown to their Sweet-hearts. These I was resolved should fall down to my revenge, and be crusht a pieces by the weight of my indignation and fury; but before I would begin to act this doleful Tragedy, I went, and made all things ready; that is to say, I took a large Spannel that we had, and leading him to the Street dore, I ran out into the middle of the Street, calling him after me; he followed me, and I led him a dance so long, till he had dirtied himself sufficiently, then going in adoors, I stole up softly the back-stairs, and the Dog following me into the Dining-room; then did I take his feet, and make them imprint the form thereof on the Cloth; having so done I pull’d the cloth, and down came the Glasses to the Floor, and by the fall not one of them escaped; this being done, I got into the next Room, and crept underneath the Bed; the fall of the Glasses soon came to the Ears of those that were below, who coming up, found none in the Room, but the Dog, and seeing the print of his claws in the Cloth, ne’re examined the matter farther, but to work they went with him, who wanting words to justifie his innocence, escaped the punishment by flight; whilst they pursued him, I stept down the stairs, without being known to have a hand in the Plot, how my Aunt resented this sad accident, I will give those leave to judge, that ever had the like loss.
But this story I am about to tell you, succeeded not so well as the former; for it fell to my own scurvy Lot, to be punished with that which might have proved a piece of Revenge, though I intended no such matter, and which was worse, detected me as the author of the former. Our Maids being in the Fields, bleaching of Clothes, my Aunt commanded me to frie some Tripes for her Dinner, which she had brought in from Market; I laying them caresly[caresly] upon the Dresser, whilst I was cleaning the Frying-pan, our aforesaid Dog swallowed up one half of them at one mouthful, without chewing them, and had near dispatcht the other half, before I could come to the rescue of my Aunts Dinner; I hastily threw down the Pan, which caused my Aunt to come running in, to see what was the matter; she seeing me busily and eagerly imployed about the Dog, stept back in a place covered from my sight, where she might both hear and see. I basted him so long, holding him fast, that he disgorged one parcel of the Tripes, which I taking up laid them on the Dresser; come, said I, basting him the while, this is not all you Thief; I must have more yet; the Dog, as if he had understood me, discharged himself of the Theft, and I verily believe, did not detain one single mouthful behind: so much for his honesty. So, so, said I, ’tis well, get you gone you Rogue, as long as you did as I did bid you, break my Aunts cup-board of Glasses, I made much of you, but when you turn thief, and steal, you must be beaten into better manners.
My Aunt all this while was exercising her patience even to a miracle, and would not speak a word, because she would see what I intended farther. Hereupon I took my Tripes, and giving them a rench or two in a pail of water, I dryed them, flowred them, and into the Pan they went, and fell a frying them, with as much confidence as if they had had no mischance befaln them. Being fryed with my sawce, and all other things ready, I was going in haste to call my Aunt to Dinner, as she met me, and seeming to take no notice, seats her self at the Table, and turning one piece then another, then a third, she takes the Dish, and twirls it round, saying, they were not fryed to her mind, and that I did this on purpose, that I might have them all my self, and so you shall, said she and that I may be sure you do not slight good victuals (being too much Corn-fed) I will give you leave to sit down by me for once.
I knew not what to say, which way to look, nor what to think, but perceived by my Aunts eyes, which were all of a flame, that she had discovered something that had highly offended her; I would have spoken something but she interrupted me, saying familiarly, leave off talking and eat your meat: I being somewhat backward, and she taking notice thereof; how now Mrs. Minks, (said she) is not that good enough for you, which is too good for me? Huzif, I will have none of your Dogs-leavings, and since you would not let him eat it, you shall eat it for him your self; and then I shall talk a little further with you; Seeing there was no help, I did eate of the Tripe, at every other bit, much good may do you, quoth she, eat heartily, and spare not. I chewed it like him that was gnawing a piece of his own Boots; but down it must go. When she thought I had eaten enough for that time, she fell upon me in that manner, that I had much ado to keep that I had within me, which I was resolved to do, lest she should make me fry it again to my Supper.
Having tired her self with beating me, she told me that this was not for the breaking of her Glasses, she had another of another nature for that, since she knew it was not a Dog, but a Bitch-Fox, that had done her all that mischief. Whereupon she drove me up stairs before her, and lockt me into a Room, till she had breath to talk further with me.
I was ready to die with fear to think what she intended to do with me; at nights approach she came to me with one of her Maids, and having lockt the dore to them, they unstript me, and naked as ever I was born, they tyed my hands to the Bed-post, and lasht me with Whipcord[Whipcord], till she had made me all over of a gore blood. Her Son hearing by the Maid how cruelly I was delt withal, adding further, that he wondred how his Mother could be so hard hearted, as to tear my skin. Natural affection enforced him to pity me, and that pity began to increase that affection, which he hath had more than these two years for me; so that, as he confest to me afterwards there was no greater trouble to him, then that he could not condole with me in my affliction. Having been confined two or three days to my Chamber, my Aunt was persuaded to make further tryal of me, and if I proved not then answerable to her expectation, she would for ever discard me. Upon these terms I was released, and found my Couzen overjoyed that I was enlarged. He was somewhat younger than my self, about fifteen years old, of an inclination very prone to love what was youthful or beautiful; and finding me very flexible to entertain his amorous propositions, followed me so close, that he obtained what he desired.
‘Thus we continued some time together, and knowing how covetous his Mother was, and not allowing him hardly any thing to spend, I studyed how I might assist him in his expence abroad: I was one day in the Shop, and looking into the Counter for something, I found a board at the end of the Till, loose, which taking up, I could easily put in my hand, and take out what Money I pleased; having now taken out the Board, I knew not what to do; for I fastned it but very slenderly, neither could I do otherwise, having no time to do what I would. Wherefore in the morning early, before my Aunt was up, I got into the Shop, and with a small Perser I boared a couple of holes quite through the end, and two sides of the Box, and so with Wire I fastned it, to my hearts content, but not so but I could loosen it again at my pleasure. My heart leapt to think, how this project taking effect, neither I, nor my friend could want Money at any time. Could I have concealed this to my self I would have done it, and so supplyed (as I thought convenient) my Couzen with Money, the more to engage his affection to me. But I was forc’t to tell him thereof, (whom I knew as forward in any sort of wickedness as any body) because he was continually in the Shop. Having given him an account of my projection, I thought he would have been transported with joy, and was restless, till he had made an experiment; which having done, and finding my contrivance, an inexhaustible Mine to him, I thought he did intend to lock me in his arms everlastingly. Now did our freedom daily increase, and nothing obstructed them but want of liberty to enjoy them. But, as what is violent, is seldom permanent; so must our delights have an end, and so much the sooner, by how much they exceed in measure. Being not satisfied with stealing a kiss, or so forth in the day time, We pitcht upon a Night, when he should run the hazard of coming into his Mothers Chamber where I lay in a Trundle-bed under her; and be with me all night: He watcht his opportunity, staying up late, and I in pursuance of the design, had left the chamber door open, and so our desires were accomplisht. But now (a mischief on’t) we were so shackled in the fetters of a lasting sleep, that notwithstanding my Aunt bawl’d to me I know not how many times, it being late in the morning to rise and look after her business, yet I made no answer; at last started out of the Bed, and stepping to mine, to see if I were not dead, found her Son inclosed in my Arms both fast asleep. But she awakened us so hastily out of our sleeps, that we lookt like a couple of Bedlamites, and so confounded with shame, that we had not a word to say. To be short, she first resolv’d to turn me out of doors, not caring whether I went with or without Cloaths; but then considering she should disparage her Son, by shaming of me; concluded to send for the Master of the Vessel we now are in, and after some discourse I was commanded to go with him, glad I was to go any where to be out of her reach; her Son, hearing of my sad sentence, would have followed me, but was interrupted; however yesterday, attempting by the way I had found out to supply me with Money, he was catcht in the act by his Mother, and sent immediately to Prison, where I understand he is like to lie till we set Sail.’[Sail.’]
I was so attentive in the hearing what she related befell her, that I did eat her words as they fell from her. To retaliate her kindness, I gave an account of what I had lately run through, at least wise, as much as I thought convenient; and by this time the Seamen began to take notice of our private conference, and by our familiarity they had seen, gave their judgments openly, that they thought there would be a Westminster wedding between us, before we should arrive at our intended Port. Hereupon we broke up School, and descended straight between Decks, there we found our Comerades tongues all imployed like a Dover-Court; I for my part was resolved to be silent, that I might the better gather from them what they were, and what lewd things they had acted upon the Stage of this world.
But how often did I be-Ass my Rogueship, calling my self ten thousand Fools for having so good an opinion of my Rogueries, (thinking them no other than the very quintessence of wit) when I heard them discourse of what they had done, which they all did with more freedom, than a dying man would confess his Sins to his Ghostly Father. And so they might very well do; for being past all shame (perit cui pudor periit) and the Law having past sentence on them, they could not suffer again for the same, without a recommission.
The Wind coming about fair, and we all ready, command was given to weigh the Ankor; just as it was a Peek, and our Fore-top-sail loose, and seeing then that there was no help but that I must go, I fully purposed to have leapt overboard (so attractive is our native Soil) had not the consideration of my Estate aboard, with that of my Mis, which I must leave behind, pulled me back.