Counterfeit Libertine Minister.
It is no wonder that he lived (as we do still) in a staggering age, for the fall of Adam, broke the bones of his Children, and crippled his posterity, so that we are both blind in our Judgments, and lame in our Practises. At first he was made perfect, which was intimated by being brought into the world naked, to signifie that the great Former of all things was not ashamed of his Workmanship; but when the Devil sent erroneous Tenents, attended with damned Practices into the world, he advised the Brochers and Professors thereof to cover their deformity, with the Mouth of tenderness of Conscience; but were their skins are as tough as their Consciences, and their Flesh as hard as their Hearts, they would be both Ax and Halter-proof; they might laugh at the Block, and defie the Gallows.
This religious Proteus, this Heteroclite in Divinity, (for he was deficient in what he ought to do, or believe, and redundant in what he ought not,) when he first appeared in a Tub, or a thing like a Pulpit, he was, (as he acknowledged) like Æsop’s Jay, in a dress of borrowed Feathers, preaching the Works of other men, which must needs be the worse for coming out of his defiled Mouth, as a Shirt worn by a polluted Body. He mangled the modern Divines more barbarously, than an Executioner a Traytors Body; not forbearing to give old Priscian a knock on the bald Crown. The height of his Eloquence consisted in railing against Popery, calling Episcopacy the Sister of the Whore of Babylon, running on in his Preachment like a mad-Dog, foaming and open-mouth’d, yelping at the Honourable Clergy in general, and biting his Brethren the Sectaries, whom he would have his Auditory believe are as mad as himself; but having run himself out of Breath, what a humming, and a spitting there was, and by the blowing his Nose, made many a filthy Parenthesis; having concluded his Sermon, he Prayed, shutting his eyes, and would rather utter non-sence, and tautologis, than use any studied Form. All being finished, he steals out demurely out of the Meeting-house with his Sword by his side (a Captain and an Independent) and though he neither obeyed Christs Commission, or wore his Livery, yet would be accounted one of his Menial Servants. Being got out, one would thank him for the great pains he took; another invited him to Dinner; a third, a fourth, fifth, letting them all alone till the tenth made his proffer: at last, where he thought he should have the best entertainment, there he would express the acceptance of the proffer. He could not go amiss for his Supper; and to retaliate their kindness, before the Cloth was laid, he would bestow on them a sleeping Prayer of an hour and half, most commonly proportioning the time to that of Supper-dressing. Certainly his design therein was like the Scribes and Pharisees, who had never been condemned for long Prayers, had they not been used as so many Graces before their cursed Meals of Orphans Estates, and Widows Houses. He endeavoured to make his interest good among the Females, knowing how prevalently powerful they are commonly over their Husbands Inclinations, which he practised with so much craft and cunning; first possessing them strongly with a good esteem of his Holy Life and Conversation, that they verily believed one word of his would either Saint them or Reprobate them, when he pleased; which he perceiving, resolved to play the Gypsy with them, telling good fortunes to none, but such as crost his hand with a piece of Silver; that is to say, in private Meetings and Conferences, having occasion to speak of such, and such, it lay in his power then to say that such a one to his knowledge is a precious Saint, a constant hearer of the word, having an excellent gift in Prayer, or such a one is lately fallen, she is started aside into the by-paths of Sin and Iniquity, &c. So that you see by Him, as well as by the Pope, the People might be canoniz’d for Money.
But imagining this Faction was not so powerful, nor encouraging as the Anabaptists; and finding that[finding that] the fading Gourds of his foolish hopes and expectations of preferment began to wither; he in downright terms fell about telling his Congregation, they must be Re-baptized, or they must not hope for Salvation. He was amongst the Anabaptists so long, till (notwithstanding he was so highly cryed up for his powerful teaching,) he had got seven young Sisters with Child in less than a year, and it was shrudely suspected that he had made four of his Brethren Cuckolds. Therefore he was by the voice of the whole Congregation excommunicated, and delivered unto Satan. His hand being now in, he was resolved to try all, till he might advance himself by one. So that he might not be beholding to any. In this juncture the good old Religion so long raked up in the dust, began to shew its heavenly countenance again, whose glorious light these Owls and Batts durst not look upon.
It is observed, that it hath been the fashion to wear yellow Ruffs; but after one Mrs. Turner, a notoriously wicked Woman, was hang’d with one of them about her neck, that Mode not only vanisht, but became shamefully ridiculous; So this our Hypocrite seeing so many of his Brethren (who had poysoned more with their Doctrines, than Mrs. Turner with her Potions) go to the Gallows wearing the Liveries of a Sectarian, thought it more eligible to turn Cat in the Pan, and become an A la mode Episcopalian, than let the fowl Fiend play the Hobgoblin with him, as he had done many, tumbling such in the Mire, who lately sat in the Saddle, tossing others till their necks were broken, and crippling others both in their Estates and Opinions.
Down with all such, let them no longer stand,
Base Caterpillars that consum’d the Land,
Who rent the Common-prayer-book and Lawn-sleeves,
And made the house of God a den of Theeves,
And may the Sacred Pulpit e’re be free,