Our poor Captain the Son of this maunding Seaman, (that never saw the Ocean, and therefore could hardly be otherwise Ship-wract, than against a Whipping-post, or the Gallows) had another Spirit, whose Soul had neither communication with, nor relation to the meanness of his Fathers; for from his Childhood he begg’d as the Orphan of a wealthy Merchant, whose Estate was embezel’d by the avarice of his Guardian, and since lavishly spent by the profuse prodigality of his Son, since dead. That now having neither Parents nor Friends left living, he was exposed to this miserable way of craving the benevolence of the charitable. He made a shift to live after this manner till he was fifteen years of Age; but the People noting him to be a lusty Lad, threatned if he would not work, to send him to Bridewel; that word so startled him, that he was absolutely frighted out of that begging humour. Hearing at that instant the Drums beat for Voluntiers in some forreign expedition, he listed himself, and instead of Advance Mony, had Shoos, Stockins, Hat, and Coat, Sword and Belt, with what else was requisite for a Soldier. And now he shewed clearly what blood he had in him, and that his Mother had the greatest share in his Generation. For when she was in her Ale, (as she often would be) she never gloried nor boasted of any thing more, then that her Husband was a Soldier at Tilbury Camp, and that losing his Thumb by firing his own Musquet, her Majesty gave him a Pension of a maimed Soldier, that if he begg’d after-wards, it was no disgrace, being so miserably disenabled from working.
This Sprightly young Soldier, being thus accoutred beyond his own or any bodies expectation else, ramm’d in the Stones of the Street by his strutting to some purpose, leaving not any place of the City unvisited, that he might shew his Gallantry, especially such places he before had begg’d in. You could not have affronted him worse, than to call him by what name his Mother gave him, (for I question, whether he was christian’d) and would be as ready to draw to vindicate his Honour. But the Wind serving fair, and all things ready, setting sail, they arrived in safety at their Port. What service he did in that expedition, I could not gather from him, (undoubtedly it was his modesty that hindred him, rather desiring to have some other Mouth to proclaim his worth than his own) but this he confest, that his often hiding himself when any Party was commanded to march out of the Garrison, occasioned his Officers to tie him so often Neck and Heels, that he thought he should go double as long as he lived, and that his Breech was grown stupidly sensless by often riding the wooden Horse. However, he was constrained to tarry here six years; but at length he grew so tired with watching once in four dayes, and so scar’d with the dangers the frequent Alarms acquainted his ears with, once in six weeks at least, that he resolved rather to venture a hanging by his own fellow Soldiers, than run the hazard of being shot by his enemies; and so watching his opportunity, got into a Vessel bound for England, and came away, not affording those he left behind, so much as a farewel; but being far enough off the Shore, cryed out aloud, Harm watch, Harm catch. Landing at Plimouth, he bought him an ordinary red Scarf, and made it into a Sling to carry his hand in, which had as many Plaisters on it, as are used in an Hospital a week, sowing it to his Shoulder, and tying a large bow knot on it; with a Sword by his side, and a laced Hat, that he had purchased at second hand, he walk’d the Streets, and had the impudence to address himself to the Governour of the Town, in this, or the like manner.
Although I have not the Honour to be acquainted with you, Great Sir, in whose Person dwells (as I hear) all the Virtue and Valour of slain English Heroes, by a Transmigration; yet I am not unknown to the African part of the Macrocosme, where my single Sword hath eaten its way through thousands, and hath afterwards drank it self into a surfeit, with the blood of those Hell-dyed Infidels. My forward valour soon rewarded my unknown Worth, and for no other reason, than I thought fit to command the Destinies, having so great a power over Life and Death, I was made a Captain. At first, the great care I had to preserve my own, made me expose my self as their Target, to guard them from their enemies Arrows, so that in one Battel, (wherein there was threescore thousand men of the adverse party, there was but three hundred of them escap’d with life to inform their friends of their Countreys loss,) I say, in that barbarous conflict I return’d home, as thick stuck with Arrows, as a porcupine with Quills; afterwards my Name served to fright the Rogues, without fighting a stroak. But the long absence from my own Countrey, possest me with so great a desire of seeing that blessed Soil, that gave me breath, I resolved to acquit my Command, and happy in this opportunity of tendring my Person and Services at the feet of a Soul so magnanimous as your self.
Having finished his Formal bumbastical hyperbolical Speech, the Governor was at a stand, what to do with this mighty Garagantua, having almost disenabled his tongue from speaking, by biting it e’ne through, to contein himself from laughing out right; but considering with himself, promised him at last, that he would Muster him in his own Company for the present, till he could find out something more suitable to his worth and quality, and for the present gave him some Money, which our Captain, getting drunk with all that night in the Company of some Officers into which he had intruded himself, and taking the liberty of undervaluing some of them in his prodigious cracking, was soundly kick’t for all his lame hand. But such was the Fortune of War, that our Captain had not trailed a Pike above a Month, before he stole a Chamber-Pot, two Quart-pots, Flaggons, with some other Pewter, and sold them at another Ale-house in the Town; with the Money he got drunk, and coming home to his Quarters, his Landlady taxing him with the Theft, made no more ado, but first abusing him in all the most opprobrius terms that a Whore could invent, that had served three seven years Apprentiships to a Billingsgate Fish-woman, he then manfully beat her, and in that manner, that she was forc’d to cry out Murder. Neighbours coming in, seiz’d my valiant Captain, and in that pickle he was in, carried him before the Governour, who on seeing him in that drunken condition, sent him to the Mainguard, where he lay all that night as round as a Ball. The next Morning he was tryed by a Council of War, and finding him a Counterfeit, and that he was nothing but a commixt piece of Debauchery and Villany, condemned him to run the Gauntlet, which he did on the Hoe of Plimouth, through his own Company, and another drawn up thither for that purpose; and afterward at the old Town-gate, had his Sword broken over his head, and so cashier’d.
This usuage was enough to make any one hate to be a Soldier as it did him, for he resolv’d to settle to his Trade, yet he liked very well the name of Captain, and getting far enough off from his disgracing place; he so shaped his design, that he questioned not but that this Title would be very advantagious: and to make a tryal how it would prove, he applyed himself to a Gentlemans house, (at that time when Loyalty to our Lawful Prince was accounted Treason against the Common-wealth) and understanding by inquiry the name of the Person, and that he was a strong Cavilier, (as they then call’d them) and a great lover of all such, and knock’d at the door, and ask’d to speak with the master of the House, naming him, he being informed therewith readily came, and my Captain was as ready himself thus, in a low voice, to address
Sir, Report renders you a lover of your King, and such as have suffered for his Sacred Majesties sake. My Father was a Colonel, and his Loyalty he could not better express than by dying in his Majesties Service at Edge-hill; to revenge my Fathers death, and shew that I had the same blood running in my Veins, I have not only ventured my Youth upon any hazard, the boldest Cavalier ever yet attempted, but since, I have had my Estate sequestred too, and dare not own my name.
This Forgery took so good effect, that it produced him forty shillings, with directions to go to another Gentleman of the like Principles, about ten miles distance; where addressing himself in the same or like terms, the pretence took effect there too. Now did he buy himself a Sword, and getting a white Cap on his Head, pretended himself sick too, as well as maimed; by which means he pickt up a great deal of money; the Rogue was grown so Covetous, and was resolved not to lose his labour where ever he came; if he had not any money given him, he would infallibly steal something in lieu thereof. Coming at length to the house of a person of Quality, he addrest himself there as he had done else-where, the Knight after he had given him money, commanded some of his Servants to carry him into the Buttery; they knowing by the respects their Master shewed him, he must be a Royalist, drank a Health to the King, and by degrees to each of the Royal Progeny, not leaving out some of the Nobility, that had been most eminently serviceable to the King, and by that time there was none (not exempting the Butler) but had his dose; my Captain taking the advantage of their disordered senses, was not contented with a Bowl, but pickt up a silver Salt too, which one more sober than the rest observing, let him go out of the Gate before he apprehended him; and seeing that he was resolved to march off with them, seized him, and drew him back again into the Court-yard, where demanding from him what he had stoln, the Captain denyed the Fact, with many bitter imprecations, which gathered the Servants about him, who searching him found the theft, who if their Master had not interposed, they would have knockt this Imposter in the head. He knew that the Law would punish him sufficiently, and being a Justice of Peace, caused his Clerk to write his Mittimus, and so was sent to Exeter-Gaol, where he continued till Sizes, and then received the same Sentence, that had past upon the Jilts before.
Now since I have described one counterfeit that abused and robb’d the Countrey, under the pretence of Loyalty; give me leave to Characterize another counterfeit (the worst of the two) who under the Cloak of Religion hid his debaucheries, whilst he deceived and deluded the ignorant, especially the Female Sex, with his lowd, long, and impertinent Praying, and false Doctrine, and that was the