The Mother, although she was ready to fall down dead with grief, yet her distraction hurried her to the place of her Sons supposed execution, that she might dye there; by such time as she was come thither, the Father was come to himself, but was almost killed again with the bitter words she gave him, telling him, he was her Sons murderer, calling him wretched old Rogue, and using terms the most vile and outragious she could imagine; and then she fell into a violent fit of crying, and tearing her cloathes and hair, so that she seemed quite distracted: her Son heard all this, and laugh’d at the conceit that his project had so well taken; and the Mother, now in another fit, arising, went to catch hold of her Sons body, which she supposed was hanging; but when she came to it, thinking to grasp it, it being light, flew from her at the first touch, and the hat falling off, it was soon discovered what it was.
All present were amazed at the contrivance: but the Mother still continued crying out, if this be not, where then is my Son? At this all sought about the room; and at length one looking out at a Garret-window, saw him sit on the House-top; his mother was soon acquainted with this pleasant news; to which she soon replyed, Oh, bring him in: but he hearing her, replyed, that if his Father did not go down and leave threatning of him, he would throw himself from the house-top, and kill himself in earnest: the Father thinking that the desperate humour might take him, was forced to be content; and so our young man descended the house, and came in at the window, to the great joy of his sorrowful Mother.
CHAP. XXI.
Our young Extravagant Cheats his Father of more money by receiving Rent; which being spent, he returned home; and his Mother refusing to give him what money he desired, she being on Horseback behind him, he threatens to throw her into the water, and so he obtains it of her. The Old man dies, and he prosecutes his extravagancies upon Watermen, Coach-men and a poor Pudding; he also puts a trick upon a Barber; and plays a fine freack at a Coffee-house; and being Poetical, makes Verses on Canary.
By this Project our young man escaped the correction his Father intended him; and not only so, but his Mother now looking on him, as one twice risen from the dead, was so foolishly fond, as to hug and embrace him; all this he took in good part, as knowing this fond humour of his Mothers would turn to his advantage; for he having now put her twice to this fright, she was fearful that the third time would prove fatal in earnest; wherefore she now supplied him with Moneys to excess; and he spent it as Prodigally, as he came by it lightly. But the good old man keeping her short, her stock was not large enough to supply him in all his excesses, and then the Old man led a weary life with his wife, till she procured him to give her Son, who was now fifteen years of age, a certain allowance: he demanded fifty pound a year, besides his Diet; but this the old man said was unreasonable; and he alledged, it would be more to the profit of his Son, and himself both, to put him out to be an Apprentice to a good Trade; but neither the Mother nor Son would give any hearing to this Proposition; but in answer to it, the Mother said what, and have I but one Child, and must he be made a Servant? I scorn it; sure you intend to make somebody else your Heir, some Bastards that you have abroad, or else you would not offer to desire or think that your only Son and Heir should be an Apprentice and make clean Shooes, and sweep the Stret-doors; have I bred him up to this? Thus did the Woman answer her Husband, and so put him by from ever making any more such offers; and she alledging that her Son was now man enough to manage an Estate of five hundred pound per annum; and that therefore his Father might do well to intrust him with fifty pound per annum; but he still alledging it was too much, and it would spoil him; at last, after a long contest, forty pound per annum was agreed on: The Old man now intending thus much for his Son, gave him two Acquittances to go to two of his Tenants to receive five pound a piece of them, it being their last Quarters Rent.
The young man supposing himself a Landlord, went among the Tenants, and intending to outwit his Father, managed his Affairs accordingly; wherefore when he came to the place where some of his Fathers Tenants dwelt, he went to a two Pot-house, and sent for three or four of them which he best knew, and telling them that his Father had ordered him to receive that Quarters Rent, withal produced the two Acquittances he had; these two paid him presently, and the rest did so likewise, he telling them that he had left their Acquittances under his Fathers own hand at home; but that he would give them Acquittances with his hand to his Fathers use, which would do as well. This excuse went as current, and the Tenents were well pleased to pay their money to him, and thereby hoped to ingratiate themselves with their young Landlord; and thus he received twenty pound, instead of the ten pound intended; and had received more of the other Tenants, if his Father, suspecting some such matter, had not gone, and by his presence prevented it.
There he soon found what his Son had done; which however turned somewhat to his advantage: for all the Tenants hearing their young Landlord had been there, and expecting him to come again suddenly had provided all the rent, hoping by that means to gain his good opinion, and a Treatment to boot, as the rest had done: so that now the Old man received all the rent at his first coming, whereas he was wont to come half a dozen times. And now having received his rents, he went home to his Wife, telling her, how their Son had served him; to which she replyed, that it was no matter, for to her knowledge he was bare, and quite out of moneys before, and that this would stock him. And now she having gained an allowance for her Son, she never left her Husband, till he increased her own, and gave her money to buy her some Clothes, as she pretended; and all this was to lay up for her unlucky-Bird, who, as his Father said, staid out till all was spent; and that was within so many days as he had pounds: and he being rid of his money returned home to pillage his Mother. He had made no spare of his Money so long as it lasted, in hopes to receive more of his Fathers Tenants; but he came thither too late, his Father having been there before him; so that being disappointed, he came home, and very quietly he demeaned himself for some time.
But the humour of rambling again possessing him, he courted his Mother for Money, she gave him some, but it was but sparingly, and he stomached it, because he had no more. A few days after, his Mother was to ride to London, to lay out some Moneys in necessaries; and she being desirous of his Company, caused him to ride before her; they being thus mounted together, put on very handsomly, till being come about half way, he guided the Horse into a Pond; she wondring, asked him his reason; he told her, only to water the Horse; but when the Horse was now in as far, and as deep as he could go, he shewed her another reason, told her another tale, and desired her to give him some money, she replyed, she had none for him; he answered that he knew she had money about her, and therefore he must and would have some; she said she had no more but what she was to lay out, and if she gave him any she must lose her Journey; he cared not for that, but told her, that if she did not give him some Money, he would throw her into the Pond, and thereby enforce her to lose her Journey; and he swore to it, that he would do it. She doubting that he would be as good as his word, was forced to compound the matter with him, and of five pounds, which she had about her, she hardly compounded with him for fifty Shillings; which he would not take her word for, but she was forced there, as she was on Horse-back, to deliver it to him, and then he rode on, but although she had her Sons Company to London, and paid so dear for it, yet she was forced to go home without him, he being there engaged upon the Ramble for so long as that money would last, and then home he came again; and this trick he would serve her as often as he wanted money, and could get her on Horse-back behind him; and as he gained, and filched from her, so she did the same from the Old man and all little enough to maintain her Prodigal Sons extravagances, and this was the course of life they all led.
The young man he spent largely, and pinched all he could from his Mother; she cheated her Husband egregiously to supply his Prodigality; and the old man he screwed all he could get, most shamefully and penuriously, out of his Tenants, and Debtors, to supply them both. These were his Tormentors, that still kept him in perplexity; and in the end, what with Age, and grief at their miscarriages he dyed, leaving all behind him to their disposing.
The Son was joyful, neither was the Mother discontented; and the Old man had at his death, made as prudent a Will as he could devise: for knowing that what he gave to the Mother, he gave to the Son; he dividing his Estate into three parts, gave two to her, and one to him; hoping by such time as he should have spent one third part, he might take up, and be wiser; and then his Mother would be fit to give him another portion.