The English Rogue: Continued in the Life of Meriton Latroon, and Other Extravagants: The Fourth Part

by Richard Head; Francis Kirkman

As soon as the old man was dead, order was taken for his Burial, which was by the Mother and Sons appointment splendid enough; but although the Son attended his Fathers Corps to the Grave, yet the Mother would not, as pretending to be ill, and withal, that it was a thing not in fashion; under this pretence she staid at home: but there was a greater and more urgent cause; for she had a lusty Suitor who attended her, and him she kept Company withal. The Son saw his Fathers Corps put into the ground, and was so wretched, as to command the Grave-maker to put him deep enough lest he should rise again; and now seeing his Fathers Body fast enough, he went a Rambling, and that very night was taken in the Watch at his return home; but being known, he was passed the Watch, and coming home heard how his Mother had bestowed her time in his absence; this raised some doubts and scruples in his mind, doubting, that she might, and would marry and then defeat him of his expectations; wherefore, although he was not yet twenty years of Age, yet he desired his Portion, but that could not be; however such course was taken by some of his Fathers Friends, that his Portion was secured for him; and in the mean time it was agreed, that he should have a considerable allowance. But all this did not please him: for although what was allowed him, was sufficient to maintain him handsomly, yet he spent three times as much, and ran into every Bodies score that would trust him; he was soon aweary of his Mourning Apparel, and therefore in few Months threw that off, and a Suit that cost fifty pounds was provided; in this he did vaunt it, and Rant it about the Town, and all the loose Fellows of no Fortune were his hangers on, or Companions. He spun away the time of his Non-age with all impatience; but when the happy, and long-wished-for-day came, he was the joyfullest man alive. By that time his Mother was married to the Suitor who had put in so early; but being cunning (as most Widows are) she had reserved her Sons Estate entire, and not only so, but a considerable part of her own; so that her Husband had not above one third part of the whole. And now her Son without any controul, demanded, and received his full Portion; many hard words passed between Mother and Son on that account, so that they fell out in earnest; and he taking what was his due, gave her the good buy.

And now was the time come that he took his full swinge in all manner of voluptuousness and debauchery. Taverns were the best places he frequented, as having somewhat for his money: But that expence was not deep enough; he hunted out and frequented all Houses of good fellowship.

All the most eminent Bona Roba’s about the Town were of his acquaintance; and he was not content to have their Company in common, but searching out those that best pleased him, he took them from their Publick Employment, and kept them for his own private pleasures, disposing them in several places, as he had occasion to use them; and commonly keeping three or four of these at Livery; and, which was worse than all this, that he might put the sooner dispatch to his Estate, he frequented Ordinaries, and Gaming Houses and there suffered himself to be cheated to some purpose.

The Mother hearing of these his exorbitant extravagancies, went, and sent to him (for he would not come to her) to disswade him from these courses; but instead of that, he returned wild and extravagant answers, upbraiding her with her sensuality in her second Marryage; and expressed himself so rudely on that account, that I am ashamed to repeat it.

I will relate some particulars of extravagancies, because it exceeds all that I have heard of. He went one time to the Temple-stairs, and perceiving a great many Water-men, both Oars and Scullers, attending for Fares, but more especially for the Lawyers of that place, to carry them to Westminster, it being Term-time; and being resolved on a frollick, to disappoint them, he hired all of them, to carry him, and two or three of his Companions, to the Old Swan; so that when the Lawyers came to take Boat, there was none for them; and they were forced to beat upon the hoof, or be at the charge of Coaches.

Another time, he being importuned by Water-men, who usually clutter about a Fare, striving who shall earn the money; and only having occasion to cross the Water, he hired four of them to transport him just over, and gave them six pence a piece for their pains; and then they wanting other employment, he told them, that if they would fight with one another, he would give them six pence a piece more; and he, to invite them to it, caused them to quarrel with one another, and so to it they fell lustily; he standing by, and laughing at them.

Thus did he use the Water-men; and he was extravagant with the Coach-men; for sometimes, although he valued not his Money, yet he would in a frollick, get out of the Coach, and leave them in the hurry to look their pay-master; but if they knew, and met with him again, and demanded it handsomly, he would pay them double.

He met with one Coach-man, a surly, dogged fellow, and he served him accordingly; for he had been hurrying about, from one place to another, to find out Company, all that Afternoon; and at night he demanded of the Coachman what he must have; he replyed, eight shillings, which was too much by three shillings; and he not being in the humour to part with his money so slightly, and being withal very well acquainted with the prices of Hackney-Coach-men, he, for that time, refused to give him his demands; and the fellow began to be surly, peremptory, and sawcy; so that he had a great mind to have beaten him: but seeing he was a rugged fellow, he would not venture on that Revenge, but bethought himself of another; which he thus effected.

Well, replyed he to the Coach-man, I will content you, before we part; but now I think on it, I must go a little further, to such a place, naming it. The Coach-man was content; and thereupon, he and his Servant went into the Coach; it was now dark, it being Winter; and he had the better conveniency of executing his project; which he did thus. He drew out his Knife, and he, and his Man together did cut all the leather round on the back of the Coach, leaving it hanging by the top; and by this time being come to the place he appointed, he was there set down, and gave the Coach-man his hire; who not perceiving the dammage done to his Coach, departed; and our Gallant drinking a quart of Wine, and calling for another Coach, was carried home.

The next day, the Coach-man, after much inquiry, found out our Gentleman’s Quarters; and waiting his coming out, told him, that he had done him forty shillings worth of dammage in cutting the Leather of his Coach; he denied the fact, and bid him prove it: the other told him, that he would take his oath of it before any Justice of the Peace; and if (said he) you will not give me satisfaction, I will have you before a Justice, and he will compel you to do it. Our Gentleman hearing him talk so of the Justice, was resolved to frighten the Fellow, and out-wit him; and therefore he replyed, Nay, then, if you talk of a Justice, you were best have a care of your self, how you come there, lest I have you sent to New-gate. For what? replied the Coach-man. You need not make so strange of it, replyed our Gallant, you believe no body saw you yesterday what you did in the field near Putney, where you carried me? Why, what did I do? replyed the Coach-man. Why, you buggered a Sow there, replyed our Gentleman. Oh Lord! said the Coach-man. And oh Lady too! said our Gentleman, it is too true, and you will find it so to your cost; both my self, and my man saw it, and will take our Oaths of it if we go before the Justice. Our Gallants man hearing what his Master had said, justified and averred the truth with an Oath; which put the poor Coach-man into such a dump, that he went away with a flea in his ear, and durst not insist upon our Gentlemans payment for the dammage done to his Coach. This was the course our extravagant took; these were the tricks he plaid; and in general, there was no manner of mischief but he put in practice; and he so much prided, and gloried in doing so, that although it were well known he was wicked enough, yet he would not talk and boast of more than he had done; and there was no particular debauched action, or extravagancy done in London, but he would boast himself to be the Author of it, and imitate it to his power. He had observed, that a poor woman sat at one of the City-Gates, and sold hot pudding by the pound; he had a crotchet came in his Crown, to put a trick upon this Woman; and therefore having a Companion with him, he acquainted him with his intent, and desired his assistance. He who kept him Company was as ready as his Worship for any mischief; and therefore together they came to this poor woman, who was newly come with her pudding piping hot from the Bake-house, and demanded the price; she told them four pence a pound: he agreed to the price, and she weighed out a pound: she had asked him what he would do with it? for she, seeing his gaudy Clothes, and partly knowing him, said, that he would not eat it. He replied, it was no matter to her what he did with it, so long as she was paid for it. She knowing he had said true, delivered it to him in a handkerchif. He having the pudding, drew out a six pence, and throwing it on the ground, bid her take it up. She stooping so to do, his Companion turned up her Coats, and he clapt the hot pudding to her naked posteriors. The woman, feeling it hot, cryed out amain; but he still held it there, and pressed it hard upon her, whereupon she leapt away from them; and being sensible that she was scalded, she ran to the kennel, and taking up her coats, clapt her bare buttocks in the dirt, to cool and asswage the heat, whilst our Extravagant, and his Companion marched off.