The woman was so paid off, that she could not follow her employment; and acquainting her Husband with the matter, and the party who; he, the next day, found him out, and demanded satisfaction for the dammage he had done to his Wife. Our young man disowned the fact, and refused all satisfaction: but the Good man was sure enough that it was he; for by this time he had (according to his usual custom) bragged of this exploit so that the man being in earnest, and telling him, that if he would not pay for the Cure, and the dammage he sustained by his wives neglect of her business, that he would arrest him, and compel him by Law. He therefore in a humour gave the man twenty shillings, and so ended this frollick of the Pudding-woman.
There hardly passed a day, but he was guilty of some frollick or other; and if he had the humour of doing, he would go through with it, though it cost his pockets never so dear: Some of his frollicks were somewhat more harmless, but altogether as comical and pleasant. If he had heard of any frollicks, though never so extravagant and old, he would attempt to do the like; and many such he did only in imitation and to renew the discourse of them. As for example: he was used to have the Barber, for the most part, to come to him; and although he had no beard (for he was never known to have above five hairs on one side of his face, and seven on the other) yet he was usually shaved every day. But one day he went to a Barbers to be trim’d, and sitting down in the Chair, the Barber fell to his work. He intended to have some frollick with this Barber; and the Barber gave him a very good occasion and opportunity: for the Barber having occasion to make water, and being somewhat lazy, pissed about his shop. Our Gallant asked his reason; and told him, it was a nasty trick. To which the Barber pleaded, for excuse, that it was no great matter, for he was to leave the shop in a weeks time, and to remove to another, and therefore it would not annoy him much. This action, and answer, fell out for our Gallant, as fit as pudding for a Friers-mouth; and therefore he was resolved to prosecute his intended project; and he did so tickle himself with laughing at the conceit he intended, that the Barber could hardly shave him, without indangering the cutting of his Throat or Chaps.
But that was done in time, and our Gentleman was delivered from the imprisonment of the Chair, when in the prosecution of his intended Project, he asked Cutbert whether he had any sorts of sweet powder? He shewed him what he had below, and that not pleasing him, he went up stairs to fetch more: no sooner did he mount up the stairs, but down went our Gallants breeches, and there in the middle of the Shop, he laid the biggest load he could exonerate himself of. He made all the haste he could, and just as the Barber descended down stairs, up went his Breeches. The Barber, although he had sweet Powder in his hand, yet he could not only smell, but see that there was somewhat in the Shop that was not so sweet to the scent, nor pleasant to the sight; wherefore he also asked his Customer his Reason for so doing? He replied, he had the very same reason for disburthening himself, as he had; for said he, I am to leave the shop presently, and it will not annoy me much. The Barber seeing that he was beaten at his own weapon, made no reply, but was forced to be content; and our Gallant left the Shop and the Barber; to go among his Companions, to boast of this witty exploit. This was talk enough for him for some days. But he still studied, by such time as one was stale, to project and execute another; and it was not long after ere he met with one altogether as extravagant, and much like the other.
Although he was a great Drinker, yet he did fight cunningly, and would not let one drop of Wine go down his belly in the morning, nor hardly admit of any mornings-draught though never so moderate; forbearing all drinking, till the affairs of the Gut, the eating were over; and then, as he used to say, it would do your heart good to see him take off his Liquor, especially Sack, which was his chiefest delight; and he would bear it very lustily, and with the help of a Coach get to his Lodging in very good order.
But one time he had missed and omitted this custom, and drank all day without eating, so that the next morning his belly and head were both filled with airy humours, his belly asked and croaked, and his head was giddy, wanting settlement; wherefore, some Friends who came to visit him, advised him to drink some Coffee; he believing that in regard it was to be drunk hot, that it might heat his Guts, and qualifie his brain went to a Coffee-house with them; where being sat down, and having put two warm dishes full into his Guts, it made him break wind forwards and backwards both; at which unusual noise among so many people as were there together, he was more than usually stared at; he minded not their staring, but continued in drinking; and withal observed the several postures used in drinking their Coffee; some he saw laid their Nose, some their eyes, nay, and some their ears to the Coffee-dish, to let the smoak, or fume of the Coffee ascend; at this unusual sight he asked the reason of it; and it was generally replyed, that it was an excellent remedy against the Cold which they had gotten in those parts; he hearing them say so, had an extravagant humour come into his brain; and I dare say, if the Company would have given him twenty pound, he would not have forborn the execution of it; but thus proceeded: He called for the largest Dish of Coffee in the house; it being filled, he set it in the middle of the Coffee-room, and letting down his Breeches, he turned up his shirt, and placed his Bum just over the Coffee-dish. All the Company wondring and laughing at this Extravagancie; he cryed out, Nay, Gentlemen, you need not laugh so hard, for I do no otherwise then you have directed me, for you all say Coffee is good for a Cold, and to your knowledg my Podea had gotten a Cold, for it coughed since I came in hither; and therefore do but as I was directed, to let the fumes of the Coffee asend to the place affected. Having now had his frollick, he put up his Breeches, and sitting down among the Company, gave them all occasion to exercise their eyes in staring on him; and he again entertained them with such fantastical discourse, as made them believe that he was more Knave than Fool, and enough of both.
You may judge by this (said Mrs. Mary) of the rest of his Extravagancies; and this was the dayly exercise of his wit, which (as you may understand) was not barren in inventing all manner of debaucheries; and indeed, had he had somewhat to exercise his wit on that which was ingenuous or good, he must have been succesful enough, for he had a strong memory, for he retained all he read, he never forgot the least, or slightest story that he had once read over: he read but little, and that was of the pleasantest sort of reading, books of Knight-Errantry; and of them he knew all, and could relate all the stories, from Tom Thumb to Amadis de Gaule, and the Mirrour of Knight-hood. All the Palmerins, and Primaleons, he knew as well as if he had gon to School with them; he knew the Father, Son, and Grandfather; and frequented Booksellers Shops only to inquire for more parts of those Histories. Don Bellianis of Greece was a brave Knight with him; and he was wont to say, that it was great pity that some Ingenuous Pen did not prosecute the adventure of that honour of Chivalry in a second part: he was intended to have done it himself, if he could but have spared so much time. From this History he proceeded to Cassandra and Cleopatra; but those Hero’s and Ladies were of too strict and virtuous an inclination for his converse: the loose Galaor, Brother to St. Amadis, was a man for his Money, being one who was a general lover of all Ladies. He had also read over Orlando Furioso in verse; and was very much in love with mine Hosts Tale to Rodamant, of the loosness of Women; this he commended above any thing in the book; and in all his readings he imitated the Spider, and not the Bee, in sucking the Poison, not the Honey from them. By means of this converse with Poetical books, he was so much infected with Poetry, that he could versifie and ryme indifferently; and being in love with Canary, he bestowed some time in composing these Verses on that Divine Liquor.
An Encomium on Canary.
Thou glory of this glorious Nation.
Spains best Child, her Pride, her Reputation:
Her India, her Peru, her best Wealth[Wealth];