Now because monyed Customers were something rare, when they did come we made both their bodies and purses smart for it; lengthening out the healing of their wounds, the better to wire-draw their purses. Indeed we were not so much beholding to the Wars, as we were to the Stews, unless sometimes a Tavern quarrel brought us a Patient; but then what a brave incitement we had to make him part with his mony, telling him he might recover that and ten times more of his Adversary, that we would be witness for him, and that if he had not met with a skilful Chyrurgion, it would have cost him his life; when as perhaps it was but a little scratch, his block-head being too hard for to receive any deep wound.
One story of a Patient I shall relate, not so much to show the rarity of his cure, but the malice of a woman which occasioned his hurt.
The fellow by his profession was a Plaisterer, who had a most damnable scold to his wife, that used to fetch him from the Ale-house with a Horse-pox; one night coming home three quarters drunk, she acted the part of Zantippe, and make the House to ring with her scolding; this musick was so untunable in her husbands ears, that getting a Cudgel in his hands, he fell to be labouring her as Sea-men do stock-fish, until he made her to ask him forgiveness, and promise him never to scold so again: Having thus as he thought got an absolute conquest over her tongue, he went quietly to Bed, where he slept soundly, whilest she lay awake studying of mischief. In the morning before he wak't she examind his pockets for mony, the common tricks of a great many women; but found nothing in them save only some lath-nails; these did she take and set upright all about the Chamber, which done she gets a pail of water in her hands, and calling aloud, commands him to rise, which he refused to do, she throws the pail of water upon the Bed; this so vext him that starting suddenly up, he went to run after her, when his naked feet lighting upon the lath nails, he was forced to slacken his pace, being so mortified with them, that for three quarters of a year afterwards he lay under my Uncle’s hands.
But to return where I left. I had not been long at the Trade, when my Uncle one day walking down to Wapping, provided me of a master to go to Sea, which (as I told you before) I was fully resolved against, and therefore very peremptorily I told him that I would not go, which so incensed him that he vow’d that I should not stay any longer in his house; I was the less troubled at his words because the day before I had heard of a Tapster in an Inn not far off that wanted a Boy; thither therefore went I and profferd my service unto him, which he as readily accepted, and the same night was I entertained into the House, he having heard the cause of my departure from my Uncle, for which he rather blamed him than me.
Now was I in my Kingdom having store of company, and my fill of strong drink, which two things I dearly loved. I applied my self to my calling very diligently, and soon learned to cry Anon, anon Sir, and By and by, with as much alacrity as the best Tapsters Boy in Christendom. My Master taught me how to nick the Canns, and froth the Jugs, and with the crotched chalk to score up two flaggons for one, and I quickly found the way, when Company was drinking to take away flaggons before they were half empty, and full tobacco-pipes amongst the foul ones. When Company first came in, I always observ’d to bring them of the best liquor, but when they were half drunk, then that which run on Tilt, or the drappings of the tap should serve their turn; if they found fault, I would take it away to change it, but nevertheless they should be sure to pay for it, as if they had drunk it.
One thing I observed of my master, that if the Reckoning once came to above three shillings, he would be sure to bring in six pence or eight pence more than it was; then when the Company were going away he would say, Nay stay, Gentlemen, & take my half dozen Cans before you go, which most commonly produced another reckoning, the Gentlemen not knowing how to retaliate his kindness without doing so, by this means getting their mony, with thanks to boot. If Gentlemen brought tobacco of their own, we would say it stunk were it never so good, and feigning a Cough as if half stifel’d, cry out, Who is it that takes of this stinking stuff? this is enough to suffocate the Devil. Which would make some Gentlemen to throw away their pipes and say, Pox on this Grocer he hath cheated me damnably, come give us three pipes of your tobacco, which when they have had they would commend for superexcellent, although perhaps twelve pence in the pound worse than his own, by which may be proved that tobacco is nothing else but a meer fancy.
I seeing my master cozen Gentlemen so frequently, thought with my self that I might cozen them also, or at least-wise cozen my master, who so often cozened others, being warranted thereto by that of the Poet.
Cozen the Cozener, commonly they be
Profain, let their own snare their ruine be.
And therefore when he was out of the way, to the reckoning I would add a groat, six pence, eight pence, or twelve pence, according as it was in bigness, which yet I would also score up, lest if he came in the way before it was paid, and should tell the score; I might be mistrusted; but if I received the mony before he came, then the over-plus went into my own pocket, which could not be discovered when the chalk was wiped out.