In Summer, when people drank in Canns, if my Master were in company (as oft-times he was invited by Guests to drink with them) we had a Can with a false bottom that held not above a quarter of a pint, which in the delivery of them I always so ordered as that Can came to his hands, which he would drink off leisurely, and then turning the bottom upwards, it past undiscerned, saving thereby much beer in a day, keeping himself sober to drink in other companies.
In Winter for morning-draughts we furnished our Guests with Gravesend toasts, which is bread toasted over night, our plenty of Guests not permitting us to do it in the morning; if we put any of them into drink before our Guests (as sometimes we were forced to do) we would be sure to warm the beer or ale before-hand, and in putting in the toast cry siz, although it were as cold as a stone.
But my Master and I were not all the cozeners that belonged to the Inn, the Hostler claimed as great a share in that mistery as we. His chief cunning consisted in tallowing Horse-teeth that they should eat no hay; or when a Gentleman gave his Horse oats, no sooner was his back turn’d, but he would steal them half away, telling the Gentleman, his Horse must needs travel well he was so quick at his meat. If a Gentleman’s saddle were any thing torn he would be sure to make it so bad that he could not ride any further with it without mending, as also to spoyle the shoes on the Horses feet, that he must be forced to have new ones, for which he had pensions from the Smith and the Sadler.
Nor must I here forget the Chamberlain, who deserved to be rancked with the foremost for Roguery; he was a sly thief, and used to cheat Guests with foul sheets, pretending them to be clean, when as they had been lain in three or four times; and then a little water strowed on them, and foulded up and prest, made them seem as if new washt. He was a very diligent observer of Gentlemens Cloakbags, whether they had good silver linings in them or no, which if he found to be ponderous, his next care was to inquire what Country-men they were, which way they travelled, and the like, which having found, he gave intelligence accordingly to a Gang of Highway men, with whom he was in continual pay.
These were the Servants that belonged to this Inn, such a parcel of Canary-birds as well deserved to look through a Hempen Casement at the three corner’d tenement in the high-way betwixt London and Paddington. Were not those Guests well blest think ye, which hapned in such a place where none but knaves, thieves, and cheaters were their attendants? Now you cannot but imagine that the Master of such Servants was well worthy of his place, I shall therefore only give you a brief character of the Host himself, and so proceed on in my discourse.
He seemed by his bulk to be of the race of the old Gyants, and though his belly were not so big as the tun at Heidleburg, yet a flaggon of beer therein seemed no more than a man in Pauls. He commanded with as much imperiousness as if he were the great Cham of Tartaria, and had an excellent faculty to strut along the streets with the top of his staff bobbing against his lips, he could call the young wenches whores with a great grace; and when he took tobacco, his mouth vented smoak like the funnel of a Chimney. He much blamed the English for affecting to drink wine, preferring beer and ale before all forraign liquors whatsoever. To show his loving nature he would drink with all companies, and would toss off a Cann with celerity and dexterity. He would not be jealous though he saw another man kissing his wife, knowing such her familiarity to be the greatest Load-stone that attracted Guests to his house, in summe, his forenoons work was to scoope in beer by the Quart, and the most part of the afternoon to spend in sleeping.
In this house I wasted away my time nigh three quarters of a year, but then a sad accident befel my Master, which left me again to shift for my self; he had belike been dabling in private with Prudence, one of the maids belonging to the house, I know not what the business was, but she looked so bigly on him that he could not endure her sight, and therefore to avoid it, he privately put off his Cellar to another, and having received his money, marched off incognito, leaving me to the wide world; for this new Tapster having a boy of his own, dismissed me to shift for my self.
