A Bawdy-house is his Cloyster, where he constantly says his Mattins. He is an Whores Protector, pretending himself more valiant then any of the antient Heroes, thereby thinking to take off the suspition of a Coward from himself: For the opinion of Valour, is a good protection to those that dare not use it. His frequent drawing his Sword upon any slight occasion, makes the ignorant suppose him Valiant; whereas he durst not do it, but when he is confident no danger will ensue thereon. He never strikes any, but such he is sure will not return his blows. In Company he is wonderful exceptious and cholerick, thinking in the fray some booty may be obtained: but his wrath never swells higher then when men are loth to give him any occasion: but the onely way to pacifie him, is to beat him soundly. The hotter you grow, the milder he is, protesting he always honoured you. The more you abuse him, the more he seems to love you: if he chance to be quarrelsome, you may threaten him into a quiet temper. Every man is his Master that dares beat him; and every one dares that knows him; and he that dares do this, is the onely man can do much with him. Yet if he knows a Coward, he will purposely fall out with him, to get Courtesies from him, and so be bribed into a reconcilement. Yet I cannot say but that he may fight, (if with great advantage) being so accustomed to the sight of drawn Swords, which probably may infuse something of a conceit into him; which he so magnifies by his own good opinion, that he would have people believe that the Mole-hill of his Prowess is no less then a Mountain. This little he hath, he is no Niggard in displaying; resembling some Apothecaries Shops, full of Pots, though little contained in them. His Estate lies in Contrivancies; and though other Landlords have but four Quarter-days, he hath three hundred sixty and odd to receive the fruits of his Stratagems. He is well skilled in Cards and Dice, which help him to cheat young Gulls newly come to Town; and the reason he usually gives for it, is, A Woodcock must be pluckt ere he be drest. If that will not do, he carries him to one of his Mistresses, and so both joyn to plume this Fowl: if there be not ready money to answer expectation, a Bond of considerable value shall serve turn, attested by two shall swear any thing for half a Crown. No man puts his brain to more use then he; for his life is a daily invention, and each meal a meer stratagem. He hath an excellent memory for his acquaintance; if there ever past but an How do you? between him and another, it shall serve seven years hence for an embrace, and that for money. Out of his abundance of joy to see you, he offers a pottle of Wine; and in requital of his kindness, can do no less then make you pay for it: whilst you are drawing money, he fumbles in his pockets, (as School-boys with their points, being about to be whipt) till the Reckoning be paid, and says, It must not be so, yet is easily perswaded to it; and then cries, Gentlemen, you force me to incivility. When his Whores cannot supply him, he borrows of any that will lend him ought; of this man a shilling, and of another as much; which some lend him, not out of hope to be repayed, but that he will never trouble them again. If he finds a good look from any, he will haunt him so long, till he force a good nature to the necessity of a quarrel. He loves his Friend as one doth his Cloak that hath but one, and knows not how to get another; he will be sure to wear him thread-bare ere he forsake him. Men shun him at last as infection; nay, his old Companions, his Cloaths that have hung upon him so long, at length fall off to. His prayer in the morning is, That his Cheats may take effect that day; if not, that he may be drunk before night. He sleeps with a Tobacco-pipe in his mouth, and he dreams of nothing but Villany. If any mischief escapes him, it was not his fault, for he lay as fair for it as he could. He dares not enter into a serious thought, lest he hang himself; but if such melancholy seize him, the Drink is his refuge, and Drunkenness cures him. Lastly, he commonly dies like a Malefactor on the Gallows, or like Hercules with fire in his bones. When hanged, if begged for an Anatomy, it would serve to convert Tobacco-smokers from delighting in the excess thereof: for they will find the funnel of his body, I mean his throat, furred and choakt up.
Being freed from danger, we rejoyced exceedingly that we thus so narrowly escaped, resolving to house our selves in the next Bubbing-place we came to, that we might talk freely of this rencounter. A place (pointed out to us by the Devils Finger) soon presented it self to our Eyes, which we with more than good speed entered; and coming into the Kitchin, I was not a little amazed at the sight of a thing sitting in a Chair by the fire-side, with a Pipe of Tobacco in its mouth, and a Quartern of Strong-waters by its side. This Tun of Flesh resembled an Elephant for the bignesse of her Waste, had there been the least appearance of a Tooth: A Nose she had (which with all wonder be it spoken that she had any) so long, as that it was a fit resemblance of the Elephants Proboscis or Trunk. But, as I said before, her Teeth were faln out; and as loving Neighbours to reconcile them, her Chin and Nose resolved to meet about it. She bids us Welcome as well as she could speak. Go, I think she could not; but opening her mouth, Lord, what strong imaginations my fancy suggested to me! Me thought I saw Hell gaping to devour me; and within that bottomless Concave, I could discern infinite numbers of Souls whose damnation she was accessory to; and coming somewhat too near her, I imagined her breath was bituminous, and smelt of Brimstone. She might fitly be compared to old-Coal that hath been well burnt, that with the least spark will re-kindle, and fire any thing near it. But her fittest likeness is the Devil, her Envy running parallel with his. All that the Devil endeavours, is to bring Mankind into the same state with himself; and a Bawds aim is to make all fair women like her: now because their youth perhaps will not admit of it so soon, she hurries them on to it by degrees, by drinking, smoaking, painting, and dayly excess in venery. I lookt about her house very inquisitively, but I could not judge her Moveables (setting aside her quick Cattle) to be worth an Inventory. Her bedding I doubt me too is infectious, few coming near it, but they are presently taken with a fit of the falling-sickness. This old Beldame, being loth to put her throat to the trouble of calling her white Devils about her, had got a Whistle, on which she used several Notes; which Musical language her Girls understood very well. We called for drink; the old Bawd replyed she would send for some, though she had it not in the house: this was to be sure of our Moneys. Herein I observed their temperance, not suffering us to have too much measure. Wenches we had plentifully; one more especially I took notice of, to have the Swartheist skin I have seen English born, on whom an ordinary fellow was very sweet. When I saw my opportunity, I askt him, craving his excuse) What Trade he was? Pat as I would have it, he answered me, That he was a Tanner. I concluded so, Sir, (said I) by your dressing of that Calf’s-skin there. This Dull-headed fool apprehended me not, but began to be angry, telling me, His Trade was a good Trade, and I need not undervalue it. I told him, I did not, since there was some analogy between my Trade and his. Why what Trade are you? (said he,) (I may ask you a question, as well as you me.) I replyed, That I was a Cuckold-maker. How can that be like my Profession? quoth he. In this, said I, You dress the skins, and I trim the Horns. The Bawd at this fell into such an extream fit of laughter, that down fell her Pipe, and up came the Strong-waters that she had swallowed: but that was not all, for having not her retentive faculty, she let flie: surely she was overcharged, which made her recoyl, and so blew out her breech-pin. She was forced to leave us, and about an hour after returned; how sweet, I cannot tell you. We fell into discourse again: I askt her, How long she had liv’d in this house? Two years (said she) a longer time then any house I have lived in this twenty years: with that I concluded she was in fee with the Justices Clerk. My stomach being waterish, I would needs have some Eggs and Bacon: but Lord, what an Agony the hearing thereof put the Bawd in! desiring me to desist, for she should die at the sight of them. I askt her the reason: O, said she, it puts me in mind of one Shrove-tuesday especially, on which the Apprentices pulled down my house; and sick, sick as I was, pulled me away violently from a Caudle I had prepared to comfort me: But they gave me one with a Pox to them, and the Devils Dam take the Rotten Eggs in it, with which I thought they would have pelted out my brains, after they had dragged me sufficiently, and worried me (as a Mastiff would a Cat) till they were weary of the sport: fearing I should catch cold, they out of pity covered me warm in a Bogg-house. But the worst was, after this kind usage, I was to go through a long street before I could come to an acquaintance of mine wherein I could safely secure my self from the out-rage of these Hell-hounds. All along as I went, a thousand Dogs barkt at me, the street was filled with people looking and laughing at my sad disaster, but none daring to come near me. They say I left so strong a scent behind me, that several of the Inhabitants left their dwellings upon it, and that the strong savour remained in that place above six days. I seemed to pitty her much, promising to visit her often; and so we left her.
CHAP. XIII.
What a Trick he served his Comrade; how himself was Trapan’d; his own Cloaths taken from him; the Bawd out of pretended pity, invested him with an old petticoat and wastcoat; his admittance into a Boarding-School; his getting many of the Gentlewomen with Child; his discovery, and his flight.
From one Bawdy-house to another, was our dayly Travel, still finding out some variety that might please us. About the twylight, coming along by a well-built house, I saw a Gentlewoman richly Attired standing by the door, who, as I passed by, very civilly saluted me, and so withdrew her self. I followed her in, as very well understanding how to interpret such actions. She brought us into a spacious Inner-room, and then with much civility and good carriage, invited us to sit down. She called to her servant to bring some bottles of Wine, resolving to make us pay dearly for her extraordinary Favours. By our habits she took us for no less then persons of Quality; for we had gallantly accoutred our selves; and I thought that Fortune now had designed me her chiefest favorite, in throwing this unexpected blessing upon me. She caused her Lute to be brought her, to which she sung so harmonically, that the Musick of the Sphears are no more to be compared to it, then a Scotch Bagpipe to an Organ. This so intoxicated my Comrade, with the Wine together (not but that they had a great operation on my self) that he fell fast asleep, (alias dead drunk.) Glad I was to my very heart of this accident, fearing he might be a Rival in my intention: and to the intent I might remove all Remora’s or Impediments that might hinder my sole enjoyment of this Lady, I consulted with my self what to do with him: I was not long about it, but streight found out this cunning Plot, which was to send him home to his Master. Love to a Woman is so forceable, that what will it not do? to sum up all, make a man betray his Friend. I made an Apology to the Gentlewoman for his incivility, and requested the favour to have her servant procure me a Porter; whilst she was gone to execute my desires, I searcht his Pockets, and took away all his Gold; for we had converted all our money into that metal, which we always made our Vade mecum. To ingratiate my self with this Gentlewoman, I acquainted her with my design; which she heartily laughed at. I farther desired of her, that I might have a Card and a piece of paper. On the Card I wrote a superscription, and pinned it on his back, directing the thing to his Master, living in such a place: with the paper, I wrote a Letter to him to this effect.
SIR,
Lately I found your Goose upon the way,
I took him up, as one that went astray.