January 29, 1814.—The detachments of invalids from Punamalee embarked at Madras on board the Marquis Wellington and Princess Charlotte of Wales. The Marquis Wellington, of nine hundred tons, wherein I was, received sixty of these invalids, viz. a party of the Royals, detachments from the 30th, 69th, 80th, 89th, and 25th light dragoons. We had very bad accommodation on board of this ship, having no less than sixteen sick men between each gun, many of whom could do nothing for themselves.
We had a long and very disagreeable passage; but I could have submitted to all the hardships attending the voyage much better, had it not been the dreadful wickedness that prevailed among us, as I shall have occasion to exemplify: but, indeed, this was the principal objection I had all along to the army; and it was the uncommon wickedness of my own regiment which rendered my other troubles less tolerable. But, to return to the children: when we embarked, an exact list of the names of the men was sent along with us; and when my name was called, and the children given in as belonging to me, the question was very naturally asked, Why is one of these children named Fleming, and the other Lee, when you are Serjeant B.? I related to them the story of the children in as few words as possible, all the time dreading lest they should not be permitted to go home with us; but the Lord, who has the "hearts of all men in his hand, and turns them as the rivers of water," gave us favour in the eyes of the Captain, who not only allowed them to go, but in a very short time after we sailed ordered his steward to give us regularly some broken meat after dinner. In this, he not only relieved the fatherless, but us also; for I generally received as much as sufficed both for my wife and myself. This was a great blessing; for, had I been obliged to take the ship's provisions, I certainly would have been at a great loss, considering my weak state of body, and the perpetual thirst to which I was subject. Here I thought I saw the blessing of God attending us for our kindness to the orphans. Here the Lord proved himself to be "a father to the fatherless," in putting it into our hearts to have compassion upon them; and, "when father and mother (in a certain sense) had forsaken them, then the Lord had thus taken them up."
I shall omit the greater part of my journal concerning this voyage; as there is a great variety of matter in which the reader could take no interest; such as our progress, the latitudes the ship reached at different dates—the number of torn sails, and broken yards—the dates of men's deaths, and to what regiments they belonged, &c. and notice a few circumstances which deeply interested me; and these I will state in nearly the same words as those in which they are inserted in my journal, that you may see how they affected me at the time, and to enable you better to understand what was my situation, and what sort of companions I had on board. I have noted down part of their discourse, just as it was uttered; and although you cannot be entertained, but rather shocked at the wickedness of man, and astonished at his depravity, yet the perusal may answer one good purpose; it may, by the blessing of God, render you more thankful that you are not compelled, as I was, to live among such monsters; but that you have a home, be it never so homely, and opportunity given you to read, meditate, and pray; that you have your Sabbaths and your ordinances; and, in a word, "That you can sit under your vines and fig trees, having none to make you afraid."
It was considerably against my comfort, while I was in this ship, that I was almost totally deprived of my wife's company; for a Captain Gordon of our regiment, who wished us both well, recommended her to a lady, whom she attended during the passage, and who paid her very handsomely for her trouble. This lady being in very delicate health, my wife was almost constantly employed in her cabin. I therefore had neither the pleasure of her company, nor much of her assistance in looking after the orphans; so that, I may say, I was both father and mother to them during the voyage.
March 20.—I see the Sabbath is always particularly pitched upon for wickedness of various kinds. I have thought that it was upon account of my taking more particular notice of what was going on, and having a greater desire to get myself composed for reading or serious reflection upon this day, that led me to think it worse employed than any other; but I perceive that I have been mistaken, for I find, upon a more careful examination, that upon the Lord's day these poor creatures seem as it were to think it a kind of unnecessary, as well as a disagreeable restraint put upon them; and that they therefore determine not to submit to it; and are resolved to make it appear that they are such brave fellows that God shall not restrain them; but, by their words, as well as their actions, say, "Our tongue is our own, who is lord over us? surely we will break his bands asunder, and cast away his chords from us."
This morning is introduced by swearing, obscene songs, abusing God's holy ordinances, and trampling upon his laws:—One man says, "Boys, get ready for drill;" another makes answer, "Drill, d——n! drill upon a Sunday;" a third begins an obscene song, painful upon any day to a modest ear; while a fourth says, "Leary, don't you know this is Sunday?" to which he makes answer, "Yes; and that his song was the text." This is certainly too much for me: I will go upon deck, and see if I can find any peace there; but when I went upon deck, there was one of our fine Scotsmen singing the "Blue Bells of Scotland," and the ship-officers pouring out the most horrid oaths against the seamen; while they, in return, were nothing behind, only in a lower tone, from fear of being heard. Oh, where shall I fly from these detestable beings, "whose throat is an open sepulchre, and whose mouth is full of cursing and bitterness!" This is my company upon the Lord's day; this is all I get for a sermon,—even cursing and swearing, obscene songs, and filthy communications. It is dreadful! I think, were there no other torments in hell but such society, there is an infinite cause of gratitude due to that compassionate Saviour, "who has delivered his people from it;" but exercise patience, O my soul! consider that "the Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptations, as well as to reserve the unjust until the day of judgment, to be punished." I yet hope to have my Sabbaths and my ordinances. I yet hope to assemble with the people of God in his house of prayer, and, from a real experience, to say, "How amiable are thy tabernacles, O Lord of Hosts! my soul longeth, yea, even fainteth, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh crieth out for the living God," &c.
March 26.—Ten o'clock, P.M. One of the 30th Regiment departed this life. We have had a most alarming night of it, having a breeze right aft, and a sea running mountains high. It was necessary to support the masts with strong hawsers, to keep them from going over board. Upon the upper deck two of the carronades broke loose, with the smith's forge, and one of the pig styes; and upon the gun deck, all was a jumbled mass of confusion: the eighteen pound shot, foul water buckets, tins, tin-pots, salt beef, biscuit; with hats, knapsacks, red coats, and bags, knocking about among the salt water that was shipping down the hatchways. What with the noise of wind and waves above, and the rumbling and tumbling below, it was hardly possible to hear one another speak; and, when you add to all this, our being in pitch darkness[21], you may see our situation was by no means enviable, but, on the contrary, very alarming and dangerous; yet these men could not forbear cursing and swearing, and flying in the face of him that could have sent us all to the bottom in a moment, ("and, O the infinite patience and forbearance of that God who did not!") I say, had we at this time gotten a watery grave, many of these hell-hardened creatures must have gone into the presence of their offended judge, blaspheming his holy and reverend name. O what a dreadful state is it to be hardened in such a manner as to be unable to cease from this drudgery even for a single hour when awake, but to "be led captive by Satan at his will!" I have often thought, and it appears to me quite scriptural, that the wicked arrive at a state of far greater perfection in sin, and ripeness for hell in this world, than the people of God do in holiness and meekness for heaven, because they are the willing "servants of sin, and free from righteousness;" but the people of God carry about with them, while here, a "deceitful heart," which often betrays them into that "which their renewed natures abhor," and makes them cry out, "O wretched man!" But it is truly a happy consideration, that when the "earthly house of this tabernacle is dissolved," sin shall give us no more annoyance, for "we shall behold his face in righteousness, and shall be satisfied when we awake with his likeness," and shall inhabit that holy "house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens."
March 27.—The Psalmist says, in the cvii. Psalm, "They that go down to the sea in ships, and do business in the great waters; these see the works of the Lord, and his wonders in the deep, for he commandeth, and raiseth the stormy wind, which lifteth up the waves thereof; they mount up to the heavens, they go down again into the deep; they reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man." Surely they that are in such a situation, see much of the Almighty power of that glorious Being, "who holds the wind in his fist, and the waters in the hollow of his hand;" but in this ship, at least, we do not make a right improvement of such striking calls to heavenly contemplation; for we are this day viewing these wonderful displays of omnipotence, but appear to be as insensible to their language as the finny inhabitants of the great deep.
We had prayers read this day upon the quarter deck, which we heard with difficulty; but the sound was scarcely out of our ears, when some of our fine Scotsmen were at their old trade of cursing and swearing, whistling and singing, regardless both of the Lord's day, and the solemnity of his ordinances. I do not say but the men of other countries are fully as wicked; but I think it much more strange of Scotsmen; because, generally speaking, they receive better instruction, and have had a better example set before them in their youth; and, consequently, their sin is attended with many aggravations. But I hope the time will come, when I shall have it in my power to hear the Gospel preached, and be free from such depraved society; for "as the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God! My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God; when shall I come and appear before God?"
April 3.—This is my birth-day; and I find it also to be the Sabbath, by the way it has been introduced. I shall here note down a specimen or two of the discourse I am at present compelled to hear, that if it please the Lord to spare me to get out of this wicked place, where the works of darkness are carried on, and where the prince of darkness dwells, I may look at this, and remember my situation, and bless God for my deliverance. They are now talking of the different situations they are to hold when they go to h—ll. One says, he will be door-keeper; another, that he will be ferryman to row them over the river Styx; a third, that he is too bad for God, and he is sure that the Devil will have nothing to do with him; and, therefore, he must stand fast like the Old Buffs! But now they begin to blaspheme the "great and terrible name of God!" I will not write their awful expressions, but go out of the way a little, and, perhaps their discourse may be less shocking when I return; but I cannot expect much improvement while I am in this ship, because it is quite natural for them to speak in this way. For it is "out of the abundance of their heart that their mouth speaketh;" and they love to speak the language of hell, because it is their native country; and people are generally fond of speaking about the place they belong to.