April 8.—This is Good Friday I understand, by some of our strict religionists refusing to eat flesh. Yes, poor creatures, they are afraid of polluting themselves, although they can vomit up a belly-full of oaths without any remorse; and likewise trample upon every thing that is sacred. They are surely a sad compound of ignorance and superstition, for they do not consider that it is not that which entereth into a man that can defile him; but that which cometh out of him: these are the things which defile the man.
Early in the morning of the 10th of April we came in sight of the long-wished for island of St. Helena. This was a place which had been looked forward to with great eagerness by many in the ship besides myself, although the objects we had in view were, I doubt not, very different; for, so far as I am able to judge of my deceitful heart, the principal motive with me was the hope of seeing the Bengal and China fleets forward, as was generally expected, that we might not be detained waiting for them, but steer straight onward for Europe, and thus, by a prosperous voyage, I might be enabled sooner to leave these wicked scenes, and arrive the sooner at that happy country where the blessed streams of divine ordinances that make glad the city of our God flow in all their abundance. This was what I believe I eagerly coveted; my desires were, above all things, going out towards God, and towards the remembrance of his name; but I have every reason to believe the principal cause why many of my shipmates wished our arrival at St. Helena so intensely, was on account of their not having had it in their power, for a considerable time, to gratify a certain very strong propensity, produced by habit; or, in other words, there had raged amongst us, for some weeks, a famine of tobacco; the men had not counted on so tedious a passage to St. Helena, and, from this fatal mistake, they had not provided themselves with a sufficient stock before they came on board. The condition of many of these poor, miserable men, was indeed fitted to draw pity from all who knew from experience any thing of the amazing force of that desire, and take into account the present impossibility of getting it gratified, while, on the other hand, those who are free men, and not slaves to this lust, might be disposed to treat such people with contempt rather than sympathy, for being brought into such a miserably restless condition for the lack of an insignificant, unsightly leaf, and might think, if they had been in their circumstances, they would have thrown the pipe overboard, and have resolved against ever touching it again in their lives; but this is easier said than done, and this I know was a sacrifice which my unhappy shipmates found entirely too great to be accomplished.—No, to leave off smoking, and to cast away the pipe as a nuisance, was altogether out of the question; for smoke they must, although the appetite by which they were held in bondage compelled them to employ a strange and disgusting substitute for tobacco; for they had, for a number of days, been under the necessity of using a bit of tarry-rope yarn, in the form of oakum, with which they filled their pipes; and at that sickening stuff they would suck away until they were like persons in the rage of a fever, occasioned by the immoderate use of intoxicating liquors. We here see the great need there is for putting in practice the Apostle's resolution, "to beat under the body and keep it in subjection," that we may not be brought under the power of habits and practices, which, if not absolutely sinful in themselves, are almost sure to lead to much evil. This was, however, a great misery from which I was exempted; for although I had used tobacco for a series of years, my propensity to it by this time was completely abated. The reason of my giving up the use of tobacco was this:—Previously to our leaving Punamalee, I went to the doctor in charge of invalids, and told him I was afraid that smoking was unfavourable to my constitution, as it always excited a great palpitation at my breast, and a considerable desire to drink. He told me that if it produced such effects as I had described, it would be much better for me to give it up if I possibly could; but added he was afraid that I would find it rather difficult, as it was a habit not easily overcome. However, I promised to take his advice, and accordingly the moment I entered the barracks, I gave all my sea-stock of pipes and tobacco to one of the men; and by this one act, and the putting in full force the resolution I had formed, I was soon delivered from the desire itself, and was exempted from the dreadful effects of the present famine of that plant; the want of which has caused so much uneasiness to individuals, and such great disturbances and privations in families; and which, in no small degree, drove on our unprincipled shipmates to curse father and mother, the day of their birth, and even that providence that had placed them in circumstances wherein it was impossible for them to obtain it. But although I was not in their state with regard to that tormenting desire, yet the intelligent Christian reader will easily perceive some resemblance between their condition and mine. The expedient to which they had recourse in the absence of tobacco, gave them considerably more pain than pleasure, and rather mocked and tantalized, than gratified their propensity.
In like manner, I may say, that in my attempts to get any spiritual consolation, I had more pain than profit; for when I set myself to read, meditate, or pray, I was sure to meet with some miserable opposition to distract my mind, which, perhaps, proved as great a trial to me as it would have been to one of these persons, at that time, to have had a pipe full of good tobacco snatched from his mouth, when he was in the act of enjoying it after his long abstinence. I use this similitude as I cannot find one upon the whole more suitable to represent my condition. They however had, on our arrival at St. Helena, considerably the advantage of me, for we were hardly well anchored when the idol of their hearts was presented to them; but, alas! it was far otherwise with me; for, to my great mortification, there seemed no great likelihood of my soon enjoying that happiness which "my soul was following hard after;" for, instead of the fleets being forward, there was only one outward-bound Indiaman lying in the bay. I see, therefore, O my soul! that there is nothing for it but patience; and, O Lord, grant that patience may have her perfect work, and let my present state of tribulation work patience, and a hope that will not make ashamed; and yet it is heart-breaking to think that I may be in this ship, and among these men, three months longer; but, O my soul, wait thou upon the Lord in the best way you can; be of good courage and he shall strengthen thine heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord. Commit thy way unto the Lord, trust also in him, and he shall bring it to pass. He shall even give thee the desire of thine heart.
April 20.—I was sent ashore to St. Helena this day, to bring two of our invalids on board. They received a pass until three o'clock yesterday, but did not return until I brought them from the main-guard, being confined for some misbehaviour ashore.
There was one of the 25th light dragoons died this day. We have had several deaths; but I mention this because of some circumstances attending it, as a further illustration of the character of those people amongst whom I dwell. I was amusing myself with a tune upon my violin, to drown the painful sound of that cursing and swearing which abounds, when one of the men interrupted me by saying, "Serjeant B——, don't you know that there is a man dying?" I answered, that "I did not know that he had been so ill." I went, therefore, immediately to see him, and found one of his comrades standing by the side of his hammock, attempting to comfort him in his own way. Another of his comrades, with a horrid curse, said, "Let him alone; let him sleep away, can't you?" But while he was yet speaking, the spirit of the dying man departed; and now they are beginning to enumerate all his good qualities, which, alas for him, were very few. One says he was a —— good fellow; another, he was a bloody good soldier; and a third, he was a h——h obliging fellow; and a fourth wished himself to be d——d if he should be thrown into the sea, for he would collect money in the ship to bury him ashore; while one of the former speakers declares, that he had prayed to God for him, and was sure he must now be happy. "Surely even the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel."—"My soul, come not thou into their secret, into their assembly mine honour be not thou united." I could have wished to have spoken to them about the absurdity, as well as the criminality of such conduct; but I knew that it would have had a bad effect, as it "would be giving that which is holy to dogs, and casting pearls before swine; and, therefore, they would no doubt have trampled them under their feet," and turned upon me with abusive language, and thus have sunk themselves deeper in guilt; so, upon a due consideration, I saw it to be my wisdom to keep "my mouth as with a bridle." But while I am yet writing, their temporary feelings of grief are over, and now they commence singing, and swearing, and arguing. Now from words they are coming to blows: I certainly must interfere, as being a part of my duty; but already the fight is over, and they are becoming more quiet. There is some disturbance upon deck: I will go and find out what is the cause. I have just learned, that the man who was talking so much about his prayers for the person just departed, was taken in the act of throwing himself overboard!—Poor creature, you are rescued from the jaws of death a little longer. But what can I expect from such men? He who infallibly knew "what is in man, and needed not that any should testify unto him", says that "a corrupt tree cannot bring forth good fruit."
April 23.—The dead man was interred this day upon the island; but it certainly would have been much better had he been thrown overboard in the usual manner; for the men, embracing the opportunity of getting ashore, where they could have plenty of liquor, returned at night drunk, and we had truly a dismal ship of it. It was no doubt insufferable at all times to a person who desired good order and quietness; but this night was by far the most dreadful we have experienced, for all the foul and detestable language that the devil and themselves could invent was brought forward; every thing that was horrid in cursing and swearing seemed to have been collected on this occasion; and their obscenity went so far as to expose their fathers and mothers in such a way as was shocking beyond conception. Had they really been begotten and born by the worst men and women that ever lived, it was impossible that they could have been guilty of what their vile children now laid to their charge. "But woe to the man that saith unto his father, what begettest thou? and to the woman, what hast thou brought forth?"
This was not all: One of them openly threatened to have blood for supper! and that lives should go for it before the morning, if the devil was alive, and as sure as God Almighty was ——! but I dare not venture to pollute my paper, or shock my readers, by reciting his expressions, which were only fit for the ears of men already in the place of everlasting torment. I had too much reason to think that my wife and I were the objects of his malice, and I did not know how to act. I knew that to confine him would only make matters worse when he should be released again; for he would then have some shadow of excuse for taking his revenge. His malice, as far as I knew, was entirely unfounded, for we had done him no harm, unless it was by conducting ourselves in a manner somewhat like what we ought to do; or because he saw us taken favourable notice of by the Captain, on account of the children. I therefore thought it would be our duty to remain upon deck, until the heat of his rage, and the heat of the liquor, were a little abated. But I found myself in too weakly a state of body to expose myself so long to the cold damp air, else I would have been inclined to this measure; for I saw, that to go below was attended with danger. After some deliberation, I resolved to commit myself and family to the care of the "keeper of Israel, who neither slumbers nor sleeps;" and we accordingly went to our hammocks, yielding ourselves wholly to the protection of our heavenly Father, in language similar to that of the Psalmist, when exposed to still more imminent dangers: "In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust; let me never be put to confusion. Deliver me in thy righteousness, and cause me to escape; incline thine ear unto me, and save me. Be thou my strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort: thou hast given commandment to save me; for thou art my rock and my fortress. Deliver me, O my God, out of the hand of the wicked; out of the hand of the unrighteous and cruel man: for thou art my hope, O Lord God: thou art my trust from my youth. O Lord, be thou our hiding place; thou alone can preserve us from trouble;" and, in thy good time, O our God, do thou "compass us about with songs of deliverance."
We therefore lay down and slept quietly, because "the Lord made us to dwell in safety," even in the midst of danger. But after my first sleep, which was sweet, as my manner was, I arose to put the children to rights; and the first thing I laid my hand on, upon the top of my chest, was a razor fixed into a piece of wood, with a ring of lead round the handle; but my astonishment and terror were much increased, when I next found Mr. H., the man who had used the threatening language, lying upon the deck beside the chest, fast asleep. You may be sure I was not a little surprised to find matters in this state; for although I did suspect, and had great reason to suspect, that he intended us mischief, yet I partly persuaded myself, that after he had worn himself out with cursings, and threatenings of slaughter and vengeance, he would have become quiet, and forgotten us; but I now saw it to be otherwise: for here was a tolerably clear proof that he intended to carry his threats into execution against us when asleep; "but he that was for us, was stronger than all that were against us." Blessed be God, who delivered us from this "bloody and deceitful man." I thought it would be the best way to make no noise about it; and therefore threw the razor overboard, without even telling my wife the circumstance at the time, and returned again to my hammock, until gun-fire. But, as a proof that my suspicions were well-founded, I must notice, that this razor never was inquired after. Had it belonged to any other of the men, there is little doubt but that they would have made a noise about it: and I would farther remark, that this man's conduct towards us was henceforth very different from what it had formerly been, being much more friendly during the time we remained in the ship.
May 19.—My mind was this day somewhat relieved, by the arrival of the China and Bengal fleets, as my hopes were excited that we would soon get out of the sight of these dreary rocks, which we had been looking upon, with sorrowful eyes, for these five weeks; but, to my sore mortification, I was again disappointed; for one of the frigates had suffered shipwreck the night before, by running against an Indiaman. The way it took place was this: The signal was given for the fleet to change their course; but the officer of the watch belonging to the merchant ship had either not been paying proper attention, or the hands had not been active enough in wearing their vessel round, and she still being upon her old tack, and the man of war upon the new direction, they ran foul of each other.—The frigate had her boltsprit, main-top, and top-gallant mast, fore-top, and top-gallant mast, carried away, and sprung her mizzen, so that she was altogether unmanageable; she had consequently to be towed into St. Helena by thirty of the boats belonging to the fleet, with her yards, sails, and masts, all hanging overboard; and was really in the worst state ever I had seen a ship before. This was a bad concern both for them and us at the time; for we were anxious to get away, and they no doubt were very sorry for the damage they had received; but, upon account of this, we were all ordered to remain until she was refitted, which was in about a fortnight.
May 27. One of the men belonging to the 30th regiment died, and the last words I heard him utter, were a very common, but very dreadful imprecation; yet some of the survivors are saying, that it is well for him that he is gone, as if a person had no farther account to give; not considering that after death there is a judgment. Oh! what a vast difference there is between the death of the wicked, and that of the righteous; for "the wicked are driven away in their wickedness, but the righteous have hope in their death." It is truly lamentable to see men so hardened; nothing, it would seem, will be a warning to them; for, although this is the Lord's day, and one of their comrades is lying before them lifeless, yet are they playing at cards, whistling and singing, cursing and swearing alternately. O Lord, make me thankful for thy grace, make me thankful that thou hast not left me to the full force of my corruptions, to be carried away with them as with a flood; for what was I better than they? therefore I have nothing to glory of, because I have nothing but what I have received. "Not unto us, O Lord, not unto us, but unto thy name be the glory, for thy mercy and for thy truth's sake."