(From the crowd)—“What a poor stock ye maun hae; ye hae been yelling about that beggar, till the story is as bare as your ain elbows.”
(Retort)—“Hech, man, but you’re witty—when ye set out on the tramp, dinna come to me for a certificate, for I really couldna recommend ye; ye havena brains for a beggar, and our funds are no in a condition to gi’e ony pensions the now.” (Continues)—“Ye hae an account o’ the education which he received riding across the meal pock; and the lair that he learnt aff the loofs o’ his mither, which was a’ the school craft he e’er received; but sic a proficient did he himsel’ grow in loof lair, that, like a’ weel trained bairns, he tried his hands on the haffits of his auld mither in turn, and gied her sic thunderin’ lessons, that she gied up her breath and business in begging at the same time to her hopeful son and successor.”
(Voice from the crowd)—“Ye should hae keepit a school amang beggars, and micht hae taen your stilt for the taws.”
(Retort)—“Oh, man, I would like ither materials to work wi’ than the like of you! it’s ill to bring out what’s no in; a leech would as soon tak’ blood out o’ my stilt as bring ony mair out o’ you than the spoon put in.” (Resumes)—“Ye hae an account of his progress in life after he began business on his ain account, and what a skilful tradesman he turn’d out—he could ‘lay on the cadge’[3] better than ony walleteer that e’er coost a pock o’er his shouther.
[3] Skilful address in begging—Dict. of Buckish Slang.
“Ye hae an account o’ his last illness and death—for beggars dee as weel as ither folk, though seldom through a surfeit; ye hae also a copy o’ his last Will and Testament, bequeathing his fortune to be drunk at his dredgy—the best action he ever did in his life, and which mak’s his memory a standing toast at a’ beggars’ carousals—when they hae onything to drink it wi’; and really, you’ll allow me to remark, if we had twa or three mae public-spirited beggars in our day that would do the like, the trade might yet be preserved in the country—for it has been threatening to leave us in baith Scotland and England, in consequence of the opening up of the trade wi’ Ireland, and the prices hae been broken ever since; we hae a’ this to contend wi’ to preserve the pocks frae perishing, for the sake o’ our children.”
(Voice from the crowd)—“Och, Willie, is it your own self that I’m hearing this morning? and how did ye get home last night, after drinking till the daylight wakened ye? troth, ye did not know your own crutch from a cow’s tail.”
(Retort)—“Oh, man, Paddy, it’s naething new to me to be drunk, but it’s a great rarity to you—no for want o’ will, but the bawbees. What way cam’ ye here, Paddy? for ye hae naething to pay for your passage; and your claes are no worth the thread and buttons that haud them thegither; gin I had a crown for every road that your trotters could get into your trowsers by, it would be a fortune to me. ‘Take me over,’ said you, to your ould croak-in-the-bog; ‘I wish I had my body across agin, out of this starvation could country, for there’s nothing but earth and stones for a poor man to feed on; and in my own country I’ll have the potato for the lifting.’ Hech, man—but the police keeps ye in order—and ye thought when ye cam’ o’er to live by lifting? man! aff wi’ ye to your bogs—there’s nae place like hame for ye, as the Deil said when he found himsel’ in the Court o’ Session.
“Ye hae an account o’ this beggar’s burial, and his dredgy.”