I had heard of premonitions before a battle; had known officers and soldiers to utter them—brave men, too, yet obsessed by the conviction of their approaching death. Sometimes they die; sometimes escape, and the premonition ends forever. But until the moment of peril is passed, or they fall as they had foretold, no argument will move them, no assurance cheer them. But our corps had been in many battles during the last three years, and I had never before seen Boyd this way.
He said, brooding on his rifle:
"The one true passion of my life has been Lana Helmer. It began ignobly; it continues through all this pain and bewilderment, a pure, clean current, running to the deep, still sea of dreams.... There it is lost; I follow it no further.... And were I here today as upright and as stainless as are you, Loskiel, still I could follow it no further than that sea of dreams. Nor would my viewless pilot lead me elsewhere than to the destiny of silence that awaits me; and none the less would I hear his whisper in my ears.... My race is run."
I said: "Is it vain to appeal to your reason when your heart is heavy?"
"Had I another chance," he said, "I would lighten the load of sin I bear—the heavy load I bear with me into the unknown."
"God gives us all our chance."
"He gave me my last chance at Tioga Fort. And I cursed it in my heart and put it aside."
"One day you will return,"
"Never again, Loskiel.... I am no coward. I dare face the wrath to come. It is not that; but—I am sorry I did not spare when I might have been more generous.... The little thing was ignorant.... Doves mate like that.... And somewhere—somehow—I shall be required to answer for it all—shall be condemned to make amends.... I wonder how the dead make their amends?... For me to burn in hell avails her nothing.... If she thought it she would weep uncomforted.... No; there is a justice. But how it operates I shall never understand until it summons me to hear my sentence."
"You will return and do what a contrite heart bids you to do," I said.