"She became more urgent; she demanded confession by the rights of her office. It was false shame wishing to conceal anything. The heavenly passion purified fallen man from sin. No secular laws were concerned in this case; not the sham and falseness of society, only truth--the open truth. Nor need the confession seek for veiled expressions; the sharper the words, the sharper the self-condemnation.
"I still hesitated. She began to ask if I--I who came from the world without, beginning at home--had banished all earthly affection from my intercourse with the women of the community.
"She enquired so solemnly, I could almost believe that I heard the scales of justice rattle. I was already beneath her spell; I had no perception of what was strange, astounding in the whole proceeding; the oppressive sensation of internal consciousness of guilt overcame me, and I acknowledged that my heart drew me towards Frau Salden, and that in the midst of pious conversations the thought of her beauty, of her charms, entangled me.
"I drew a breath of relief after this confession; I believed that I had now done my duty as a penitent. Yet I was mistaken; now only did the implacable judge commence an examination that penetrated to the inmost detail; she entered upon a domain which no child of the world would have trodden with equal freedom; my whole soul lay as if upon a dissecting-table before this wonderful woman. Emotions, wishes, which softly, obscurely, and of which I was even only vaguely conscious, concealed themselves in the recesses of my heart, must be brought to light; my inner nature became transparent to her as well as to me; and when I had conquered the first shyness, such a confession was even welcome. I found it tranquilising to have a witness of my internal struggle. An inexplicable charm, which was not only of a spiritual nature, lay in such undisguised confession, which despised all social custom, but was justified by higher ordinance.
"The Gräfin praised me for my candour, and when I had made known to her that otherwise I was still free from all sin, and that my heart, in the midst of Nature, still often rejoiced in marvellous revelations, she called me a child of light, who might, perhaps, be destined to attain a high position in the circle of the elect.
"I had promised reformation of the one sin to which I could confess, a sin of thought, and indeed I was in earnest about it. Since my visit to the Gräfin, a gloomy consciousness of guilt had taken possession of me, which I loved to ponder over in solitude. Woman had formerly been a divinity for me, she seemed so again, since I had seen the Gräfin in the exercise of her priestly mission, and the feelings of vain worldly pleasure to which I had yielded when with my pious young friend, I counted to myself as a sin.
"I became an industrious attendant not only at church, but also at the smaller meetings in which the minister expounded his doctrines; I eagerly studied the Revelation of St. John. The Lion and the Lamb, the Breaker of the Seal, as a second minister of the sect was designated, the Angel of the Apocalypse; all these were pictures which became more and more vivid to my imagination, yet in the principal doctrine of the approach of the Millennium I buried myself with a fervour which was not free from doubts, yet was it not the prediction of a new world, and such dreams lived long within me. The entrancing words of the minister, the enthusiasm and proud beauty of the female children of light at his side, the spiritual toiling and struggling in a world withdrawn from everyday life, full of singular mysteries, had made me into a zealous disciple of the secret community. I was looked upon with respect by the minister, the Witnesses, and the Breaker of the Seal. My visits to Frau Salden became very rare; I also avoided her at the meetings; my shy manner towards her had been remarked by her. Had the Gräfin not stood so high upon the ladder of the saints, Frau Salden would have charged her with being the cause of my transformation. At heart she certainly did not spare the Gräfin this accusation, as since my visit to the castle I had become distant towards herself. Sternly and for some time I struggled successfully against my affection for the beautiful woman, until a new and unexpected turn took place in my life."
CHAPTER III.
[THE FALL OF MAN.]
"One day a note from Frau Salden, intimated to me that I was now considered strong enough to be present at one of those secret sittings, in which the great act of salvation was taught and practised, and invited me to one of those gatherings.